Singlehood became a major news point recently thanks to Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong’s National Day Rally message (August 20).

Last week, Mr Lee announced that singles 35 and older will be able to apply for two-room flexi BTO flats in any location from the second half of 2024. At the moment, they can only buy new flats in non-mature estates. The change, PM Lee explained, was made because more in Singapore are choosing to be single and would appreciate wider housing options. 

But housing is not the only concern singles in Singapore face. Social acceptance is a subtle challenge, say many singles.

When Ps Charissa Cho, Youth Pastor at Community of Praise Baptist Church, was in her late 20s, she was constantly fending off attempts by well-meaning churchmates trying to help her find a life partner.

“The aunties desired to marry me off. They made it their personal life mission to marry me off,” Ps Charissa said with a smile.

“Every living, breathing single person who comes through our door – a guest speaker, a son who has just returned from overseas to visit – they would tell me, ‘Charissa, he’s single.’

“This would be perpetuated many times. After a while, I was like, ‘Is there anything else that you remember about me other than my marital status?’” she laughs with good humour.

By the time she hit her 30s, Ps Charissa started to gently tell people around her: “Singlehood is not bad. Let me enjoy this place where I’m at. You also can come alongside and enjoy it together with me. You don’t have to be in a hurry to marry me off.”

In her 20s, Ps Charissa Cho struggled with being single. Now in her 30s, she enjoys singlehood and is flourishing.

Ps Charissa shared this at D6 Family Night, on the discussion topic of Singlehood: One and Whole. The Zoom conference was held in the run-up to the annual D6 Family Conference held in July. 

“Most of the time, the conference programme is about marriage and parenting, and how we can strengthen the faith journey of our next generation,” said moderator Carol Loi, a digital literacy educator and leadership/family coach.  

“This year, we wanted to include the topic about singlehood because every one of us has been single. We are born single, and we have people in our families who are single.”

Joining Ps Charissa on the panel was Ps Oliver Chia and Dr Suraja Raman. Ps Oliver oversees Outreach and Discipleship at Grace Baptist Church. Dr Suraja is a missionary, writer and adjunct faculty at theological schools.

Here are highlights of the sharing.

Single but not second best

The panellists agreed that, in society as well as in church, marriage is often valued above singlehood.

“It’s always deemed as: You’re missing out, like there’s something wrong with you,” said Ps Charissa.

“There’s not much information on singlehood or even just encouragement to see value and purpose in singlehood.”

Ps Oliver agreed. “Well-meaning Christian friends seek to encourage me by saying, ‘Don’t worry, trust God. God will bring someone into your life.’

“Although they don’t mean it, it somehow alludes to the fact that being single is kind of incomplete or lacking, or I’m kind of missing out on God’s plan.”

Until recently, even government policies such as housing rules used to favour those who are married, he added.

What helps Ps Oliver, who admits that there are times at weddings when he still feels a twinge in his heart at the thought of being alone, is to “seek to correct my heart and my thinking by listening to the only voice that matters – the voice of God”.

Dr Suraja turns to humour. “When people ask me, ‘Why are you not married?’, I ask them, ‘Why are you married?’”

Dr Suraja Raman chose to be single so she could concentrate on being a missionary.

She had chosen to remain single because she wanted to dedicate her life to God as a missionary, something she did for nearly four decades.

Creating a singles inclusive church

“Think about how we communicate and shape the culture of the church,” said Ps Oliver.

“We need to communicate that we are Christian first and not so much our marital status.”

Ps Oliver Chia counts on close Christian friends to keep accountable as a single person.

For Mother’s Day, when flowers are given out to mothers in the congregation, single women should receive a blossom, too, he suggested.

“Recognise the spiritual fathers and mothers among us.”

The panellists suggest inviting singles to your home so they know they are part of the church community.

Added Ps Charissa: “Remind the singles in the church they, too, are also being used by God, that they are living very valuable lives. Let off on their marital status and focus on what God is doing in their lives.”

Is singlehood a calling?

Scripture is quite clear that both marriage and singlehood are gifts from God, said Ps Oliver.

While married people are called to portray Christ and the church through godly marriage, singles are called to communicate that God is sufficient.

“That’s our primary calling,” said Ps Oliver of singles.

Charissa agreed that, married or single, Christians are called to “fulfil our roles as sons and daughters of the Kingdom of God.”

“Singleness affords you that undivided attention to God. That is something I’m personally experiencing right now and am coming to appreciate the value of.”

Added Dr Suraja: “I believe singlehood is a calling. As I read the Scriptures, I noticed there were female prophets who remained single.” (Acts 21:9)

Sex and the single

“Sexual desire is not a sin. It’s something God created us with,” said Ps Charissa. “It is what we do with it then that determines whether it becomes sin or not.” 

For her, weddings or public displays of affections are triggers as she manages her desire for intimacy. So she guards herself against temptation by avoiding shows or social media that have “too sexualised” content.

Dr Suraja used to be triggered when she was asked to be a bridesmaid at her friends’ weddings until she learnt to see the invitation differently.

“I realised that they were saying we have a friend for life. So now I count it a privilege to be a bridesmaid.”

Ps Oliver finds being involved in church and reading the Bible and Christian books helps him to cultivate his affection for God, which replaces the desire for a partner. He also has close Christian friends who hold him accountable.

“Pastors are also sheep. We need the ministry of the church. When I’m feeling vulnerable, they will be there for me. They pray for me, take me out for coffee, ask questions when we meet.

“That’s what I mean by accountable. Not just sharing your weaknesses, but being able to share openly with great vulnerability.”

Spiritual mentors and prayer partners have kept Dr Suraja in check, too, as well as given her the companionship that comes with community.

Because of that community, when she is asked if she has children, she says: “I have more than 2,000. All the students that I’ve had over the years, I see them as my spiritual children. I’m privileged that we’re still in touch with each other and I count it a calling also to be a spiritual parent.”

Dating, dating apps and the Christian

A dating app is just a tool, panellists agreed.

It is more important to understand why you are looking to be in a relationship.

Said Ps Charissa: “If it is simply to meet societal expectation, or if you’re filling a void, then perhaps a dating app is not the best platform because I think what we will end up with is feeling really very disappointed because we’re seeking someone to complete us and to give us that fulfilment.”

Dating apps tend to “promote intimacy quite quickly”, noted Ps Oliver.

Ps Charissa recommended taking the time to get to the know the person before being in a committed relationship. This is so that there can be alignment in God’s call between the couple.  

Should Christians date pre-believers?

Does the relationship help you to pursue God wholeheartedly or distract you from Him? That is the better question to ask. 

This would extend to not just pre-believers but people with different levels of spiritual maturity as well.

Said Ps Charissa: “The whole idea is that when you are unequally yoked, one party ends up carrying the burden and it’s not productive, it’s not fruitful.”

Then, like the Israelites who had to take a “very, very long detour” to the Promised Land, you would find yourself wandering aimlessly in your faith journey, too.

Ps Oliver raised practical considerations.

“Not only are our values different, our worldviews are  different. I have had cases of believers and non-believers marrying and then when they have kids – what to do with the kids?

“One wants to put the children in Sunday school but the other will not. So there are a lot of areas where there are conflicts.”

Setting boundaries as singles

Singles have an added issue to consider when navigating a world of predominantly married people – the issue of healthy boundaries.

Ps Charissa ensures other people are involved as well so “emotional ties are not formed”. When dining with platonic male friends, she makes sure they go to places that do not have romantic vibes.

When working with a married man, she tries to meet him with his wife or in his home so his wife is aware of the purpose of their meeting.

Embracing wholeness

Ps Charissa confessed that she “went through a time of being embarrassed about being single”.

“That moved into me being very offended by the fact that I am single. And then, in my late 20s, it was me grieving the fact that I may be single. Now in my 30s, I enjoy it.

“I cling on to God’s promise that as His child, I have a purpose in life and the Lord has many things that are in store for me, He promises fullness of life as we follow Him.”

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