“Even when I questioned, cried out, yelled and screamed, even when I hated raved and cursed at You, You never left.”

One might think that the worship song You Never Left was borne out of the typical stresses of life. But for Marie-Anne Thiang, 33, the song is a raw lament that flowed from multiple crises and deep grief over the past decade and a half. 

Grappling with grief

As an only child, Marie-Anne’s childhood was marked by constant relocations due to her father’s job obligations.

“My longest stint in any school was for three years and three months. According to my parents, I switched kindergarten nine times, and primary and secondary school eight times,” she recalled. 

Young Marie-Anne, an only child, with her parents in happier days.

This, coupled with her introverted nature, made it difficult for her to socialise. It came to a point where she felt no need for friends, believing that family was enough.

She learnt the art of escapism through reading books and watching television. She went through the motions of studying, going to church and finding her independence, without identifying how she felt. 

Things took a turn when her mother was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. At just 16 years old, Marie-Anne was confronted with the possibility of losing her mother. 

“In my attempt to push away the fear of losing my mother, I busied myself with school work while trying to pay less attention to what was happening to my mother,” Marie-Anne shared. 

Weeks turned into months as she watched her mother’s condition deteriorate. The older woman eventually lost all mobility of her limbs and could not speak.  

“I was still praying for her recovery but I didn’t feel in control of the situation,” said Marie-Anne. 

It wasn’t long before her mother succumbed to cancer. Discovering her mother lying lifeless, Marie-Anne remembers wailing loudly with anger, sadness and disbelief. 

Yet, amid the great loss, she felt the tangible peace of God, which sustained her through the funeral and the following weeks.

“People thought I was strong, but I really felt the peace of God during that time. Looking back, I don’t know how I survived the loss, but it was God,” said Marie-Anne. 

Losing her community 

After her mother’s passing, Marie-Anne grew closer to her church community. She spent a lot of time in church attending services and prayer meetings. Busying herself was her way of coping with grief.

When she finished high school, she sought God’s direction on what to do next.

After multiple confirmations, some even by visiting preachers, she decided to serve full-time in the church. She moved into the church, which provided housing quarters for staff and their families to live together.

She thrived in the communal setting. Strong friendships were developed wonderful memories were made, she recalled.

Over time, however, Marie-Anne began to question some of the teachings of the church. She observed how the pastor would preach a no-medicine stance, reject higher education and legal counsel, and encourage congregants to live “by faith”.

As more questions and doubts arose, Marie-Anne was prompted to find answers in the Word of God. 

“I began reading the Bible more, hoping to get some answers to my doubts. I asked God to show me what His Word said. The more I read, the more I realised that something was not right,” she said. 

Despite discussing her concerns with her church community, she could not find the clarity she sought. Ultimately, lacking a sense of peace about staying, Marie-Anne summoned up the courage to resign.

Her decision was significant as she had built deep bonds with the church community – people she considered her family.

“It was difficult because it felt like I had lost everyone,” she said.

Yet another devastating loss

While still sceptical about church, she accompanied her father and stepmother to Full Gospel Assembly Kuala Lumpur, where she discovered believers who were willing to address her questions and doubts with the Word of God.

“I never doubted the existence of God or His Word. I always knew He was there, but I needed a church community that could be open and honest about doubts and questions,” said Marie-Anne, who started attending the church regularly and was later invited to serve in a cell group and the worship ministry.

After she lost her mother to cancer, Marie-Anne grew closer to her father.

Just as she was starting to find her place in her new church community, the COVID-19 pandemic struck.

Multiple lockdowns, prolonged isolation and the uncertainty of the pandemic took a toll on her emotional well-being. Things took a turn for the worse when her father and stepmother began experiencing serious COVID-19 symptoms.

Both were admitted to the hospital, but her father succumbed to the illness.

Her world was shattered. “My rational mind broke down. I couldn’t figure out the next right steps. I had no energy left and I felt like I had lost the ability to find happiness,” she shared.

Depression cast a dark shadow over her life.

“I couldn’t even manage simple tasks like paying bills or doing household chores. All of that seemed like insurmountable challenges to me. Many nights were spent awake, thinking about the daunting tasks awaiting me the next morning,” she recounted.

This continued for months after her dad’s passing. “I thought I would never come out of it. It felt very dark.”

God never left

In her despair, however, Marie-Anne saw little glimmers of hope.

Her church community rallied around her in both small and significant ways: Praying, bringing her home-cooked meals, checking in on her via text messaging and inviting her to church services and hangout sessions. 

“My friends would invite me to church, and if I couldn’t attend, they would ask if I was available for a coffee instead. Their persistent care made a tremendous difference,” Marie-Anne said.

Marie Anne’s cell group was her new community after she left her former church that had controversial teachings.

She also enrolled in a Master’s course. Before long, the church offered her a job as a media content writer.

Through the actions of her friends and church community, she experienced a renewed wave of grace and love.

“Sometimes I would come in late to work because I had a rough night, but no one asked any questions. Instead, they (church staff) encouraged me to catch up on my work and gave me space to grieve, voice my frustrations and heal,” Marie-Anne shared. 

She also started attending counselling sessions with a Christian counsellor, who encouraged her to express her feelings – like her anger towards God and the sadness she felt – instead of just saying what she believed was the “right” thing. 

She drew inspiration from the biblical character of Job, who was honest with God about his anger, doubt and disappointment, yet did not turn away from Him. Instead, Job sat in the dust and ashes, expressing all his tough emotions. As he waited, God revealed Himself and said: “You have honoured Me.”

Through all her losses, Marie-Anne realised that God never left her.

In the midst of her darkness and despair, Marie-Anne realised that it was crucial for her to remain steadfast in her faith.

“It’s perfectly fine to experience a range of emotions,” she said, “but never walk away from God’s presence. If necessary, simply sit and wait. God will come through for you.”

That revelation gave Marie-Anne the courage to compose the song You Never Left with these heartfelt lyrics:

You never left
Never questioned
Never thought that You should give up
You kept hoping
You kept trusting
And never thought You should stop loving

Broken, yet chosen

Two years on, Marie-Anne acknowledges that she is still on her journey of healing.

Nevertheless, she has a healthier approach to prayer and Bible reading. Instead of doing it out of guilt and duty, she now does it out of a genuine desire for God’s Word.

“I’m no longer angry with God,” she said simply.

Marie-Anne has grown to love, trust, serve and do life with her church family at Full Gospel Assembly Kuala Lumpur.

She has also found a balanced perspective of church leadership, recognising human imperfections yet valuing submission. 

Reflecting on the losses of her life, Marie-Anne realised the reason why God chooses broken people to serve Him.

“What else can the devil do to us? When we have lost almost everything and yet choose to say, ‘God, I trust You’, the enemy has no hold over us.”

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