At 15 years old, while preparing for exams at an international school in Singapore, Ee-Tan Chow had a strange experience.

Stressed out from studying and nursing a cold, the Malaysian teenager suddenly began going around her boarding school washing people’s feet and blow-drying their hair.

Students and staff began to wonder if she was all right. After several days, concerned school administrators called her parents who brought her back to Malaysia for a medical check-up.

She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

“I didn’t know it at the time, but it was my first (manic) episode,” said Ee-Tan, now 54, of her experience in the boarding school.

On top of the world

Bipolar disorder causes extreme mood swings, from emotional highs (mania) to lows (depression). While there is no known cure, it can be managed with proper treatment.

Ee-Tan has bipolar 1 disorder, which means she experiences more highs than lows.

“When I experience a high, I feel on top of the world. I’m invincible. People would think I’m argumentative, irritable, inhibitive and even hedonistic,” she explained.

She would go on shopping sprees and act recklessly without fear of the consequences.

At some point, her behaviour would require intervention – for example, stronger medication coupled with hospital stays or resting at home with supervision.

Ee-Tan has been admitted to the psychiatric ward twice.

Her first was at 21 years old, when she stopped taking a medication for a month. She had been in Italy with her family and knew her mania was heightening. 

“I was out of control. I played hide and seek with my parents, hid in the cathedral. In the hotel, I threw an ashtray out of the window that nearly hit a pedestrian. We were kicked out of the tour,” she shared candidly.

It all culminated in a loud fight with her father on the streets of Florence. The police had to step in. They subdued her and took her to the hospital.

Her next episode was a year later. Walking on clouds, she refused medication and took herself to Fraser’s Hill, a highland resort destination among the mountains of Pahang, as she felt suffocated at home.

When she was discovered, she was admitted to hospital for 10 days. “The second stint was a terrible experience. I suffered major cramps from the medication and was in excruciating pain,” she recalled.

Meeting her Saviour

In nearly 40 years of living with bipolar disorder, Ee-Tan only has had one low episode.

“I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar yet and had been having prolonged elation after my ‘O’ Levels. When I started my International Baccalaureate in boarding school, I became depressed,” she recalled.

“For three months, my mind was blank. I just wanted to die. I could not laugh or cry and had zero motivation. It was a complete mental breakdown.”

At the time, Ee-Tan had never heard of Jesus Christ. But things were about to change.

Ee-Tan’s family has been her strongest support, staying by her side ever since her diagnosis at 17 years old.

In the throes of her depression, Ee-Tan’s father decided to transfer her to a school back in Malaysia.

It was exciting to be in a new environment, with new friends and a fresh routine. Young Ee-Tan felt that her life had meaning again, and soon her depression lifted.

A while later, some coursemates invited her to attend Christian Fellowship. Ee-Tan agreed.

“I had always been drawn to Christmas even though I didn’t know much about the Christian faith. I was also studying different religions and was keen to know more about Christianity,” she said.

Her encounter with Jesus came soon after.

For days, Ee-Tan had been stressed and unable to sleep.

She had not scored well enough to pursue law – her first choice – in university. She was considering pursuing sociology, but the path felt unconventional and frightened her.

“One night, I decided to talk to Jesus. I poured out all that was on my mind and felt a huge weight being lifted off me. After that, I knew God was real,” she recalled.

As she read through the Gospel of Mark, her heart was moved and she believed that Jesus was God’s Son who could save her.

“I truly believe God reached out to me, and so I decided I wanted to be His child and trust Jesus as my Lord and Saviour,” she shared.

On February 11, 1988, Ee-Tan accepted Jesus into her life.

A new lens of faith

Through the years, Ee-Tan, who studied sociology and later became a journalist in Kuala Lumpur, has had to learn how to live with bipolar disorder.

“In seasons of transition, high stimuli or poor sleep, I’m more prone (to having an episode). When my mind gets really active and I experience problems sleeping, I know I’m entering an episode,” she said.

“It’s not that God is taking (my illness) away, but He walks with me through it,” said Ee-Tan.

Having realised the effects of untreated mania, Ee-Tan became more aware of its telltale signs. She now reaches out to her doctors for the necessary medication and treatment whenever she feels the onset of an episode.

“We can pray for healing but recognise too that God in His wisdom has placed doctors to help us. So instead of avoiding them altogether, pray for the right doctors to prescribe the right treatment,” she said.

Her faith has also allowed her to see herself differently – from a sick person battling an illness to a creation made with purpose.  

“It has been a long journey with many relapses into elation in my 20s and 30s, but I cried out to God and each time He delivered me. Despite my mental condition, God has enabled me to live a normal life and pursue a meaningful journalism career,” she reflected.

The thorn in her mind

Interestingly, Ee-Tan realised that she pursues God more when she having a manic episode.

Her family and friends have told her that when she is on a high, she spends more time with God, talks about Him and listens to worship songs.

In contrast, she is more prone to questioning God or doubting His leading in her life when in her normal state. “In good times, I tend to forget about him,” she admitted.

Noting that her illness has caused her to draw nearer to God, she added: “Paul had a thorn in his flesh, which caused him to depend more than ever on God. I call my syndrome the thorn in my mind.”

Encouraging others with her life

Last year, Ee-Tan self-published a memoir entitled An Elated State of Mind: Memoir of a Bipolar Person. She first decided to write a memoir 20 years ago, but only finished it recently.

Over 500 copies have been sold, and she prays it will encourage believers with bipolar disorder, and their families. 

In December 2023, Ee-Tan launched her memoir, An Elated State of Mind, on her birthday at a local café. The book launch was attended by family, friends and church members.

“A girl told me she used to feel ashamed about her illness but after reading my book, she is not afraid to speak (about it) openly anymore,” Ee-Tan shared.

That is exactly her hope: to help others like her let go of their shame.

“My faith has helped me to realise that God loves me and blesses me the same as He does for those who do not have a mental illness. I don’t think anyone with mental illness should feel ashamed. It is not a curse,” she said.

With Jesus, there is always hope

Today, Ee-Tan is doing well. She spends her time caring for her father who is a stroke patient, and doing freelance writing.

She still lives with bipolar disorder and is on medication, but knowing Jesus means that she has an identity bigger than just someone suffering from mental illness.

Like every believer, she said, she is called to be salt and light in this world.

She holds Philippians 3:13-14 close to her heart:

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

“It’s about forgetting what lies behind. It’s not that God is taking (my illness) away, but He walks with me through it. I can trust in Him to lead me in whatever I do and give me a purpose in life,” she said.

Ee-Tan in Portofino in 2022. Italy is her favourite nation and she believes God has a purpose for placing this interest in her heart.

In recent years, her faith has been strengthened. God has placed Italy upon her heart. She has visited the nation several times and speaks Italian quite fluently.

Ee-Tan doesn’t know where God is taking her with this, but she is excited to find out. “I realise that the more we seek God, the more His help becomes so real to us. He’s using me in a unique way,” she said.

“Because of Him, my mental illness is not a curse. I know I am blessed. My life has meaning, and I have a purpose to bring good news to others. My journey is different and it’s all because I have God with me.”

All this she does with Matthew 6:33 as her life motto:

But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.

 She knows she is still work in progress, but has chosen to surrender her life, and future, to God.

If you would like to purchase Ee-Tan’s memoir, An Elated State of Mind, click here.

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