My wife and I started trying to conceive in November 2018 after a year into our marriage.

The months of waiting turned into anxiety and uncertainty as we wondered what was wrong, but there were no medical conditions uncovered. 

In the midst of trying to conceive, we also consulted a Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner. Yet it continued to be a struggle –  each month was a disappointment, with no certainty of when a positive result would come.

At one point of time, I decided to fast from social media as I could not bear the pain and disappointment of receiving news of pregnancies or births.

It helped that this was during the COVID-19 period when there were group restrictions, so we could conveniently stay out of contact with our friends.

But I also felt stagnated; it felt like my life was not progressing. 

The couple at their pre-wedding photoshoot. Both of them met in church, where they served in the dance ministry together.

In September 2020, we decided to proceed with intrauterine insemination (IUI) at a public hospital, but it also turned out to be unsuccessful.

It was a struggle to find that our peers were getting pregnant and having children, seemingly with much ease. 

A further stab in my heart came when my brother-in-law announced that they were expecting a child just barely months into their marriage.

We were already limiting our social circle at this stage to minimise disappointments, but having a newborn within our family definitely did not help.

I did not want to make family dinners awkward. Yet it was painful every time a baby-related topic was discussed.

My wife was excited and happy for her brother, but she was also torn between showing concern for him and empathising with how I was feeling.

Not wanting my disappointment to be an additional burden for my wife, I cried out to God and asked Him if this struggle with infertility would ever end.

Why could we not have a baby?

All of our efforts had not borne fruit, and the months of trying had turned into years. As we were both in our 30s, we were also concerned about our diminishing chances of conceiving with each passing day. 

Anxiety and worry started to build up, as I began to wonder why this was happening to us. Why could my peers have children so easily, while we still did not see anything happening after trying so hard?

I also started to wonder why God did not bless us with kids. Did we do anything wrong? Was that why God was choosing to withhold a child from us? 

Even though I didn’t get an answer, I chose to cast my burden on the Lord every time I struggled.

One-and-a-half years after tying the knot in 2017, the couple decided to go for medical tests as they had been trying to conceive for six months with no success.

For a period of time, I constantly faced all these lies in my mind, thinking I was not worthy of having kids.

I started to feel depressed, and it was a huge struggle for me to manage my emotions and to learn to move on with life.

Soon after, I stopped trying to explain to others how I really felt.

It was hard trying to describe my feelings to those who had not gone through the same journey as I did. I did not expect them to understand simply because they had not been in my shoes. 

I also eventually stopped reading different testimonies of how couples eventually overcame their struggles to bear a child, as I often questioned whether that would even happen to me. 

However, during this time of waiting, I started the habit of journalling as a way of expressing my thoughts and feelings when I lacked the avenue to share them with others.

In particular, I held onto this verse from the Bible.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

I admit that there many moments when it was hard for me to see how all of this was good for me, but it was a conscious decision to believe in this truth.

The turning point came when I read Resurrection Year by Sheridan Voysey in 2021.

As he shared about his journey with infertility, I found it amazing that I could understand his struggles. For the first time, I also felt someone understood me. 

His testimony was powerful simply because there was no victory of children at the end of the story. And yet he and his wife continued to be faithful in the assignments that God had given to them.  

It was then I realised I could not focus on having children as the goal of my life. Taking an eternal perspective on things, my future in heaven was also not determined by whether or not I had children.

God has never promised to give us children, but His promise for us is eternity with Him (John 3:16).

There are other pursuits and purposes that God has called us to do in this life. 

Seeking a change in environment and the chance to pursue new dreams, the couple decided to move out of their matrimonial home (above) in 2023.

Upon reflection, I felt that God could also use us to be a blessing to others who were facing the same issues. We would never be able to understand completely how they felt, but we could always share about our own journey.

As for my wife, she, too, struggled with her faith as she questioned God. Why could we not be fruitful and multiply, while others seemed to be able to have children easily?

However, she also recognised that she had to learn to surrender to God. Even though we might not always have all the answers, God gave her the assurance to trust that He is sovereign. 

In 2022, we decided to proceed with in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) at a private practice. But when our only successful embryo did not survive the implantation, it was yet another blow in our childbearing journey.

Even though we prepared ourselves for the result, disappointment inevitably set in. We decided to take a break from attempting IUI or IVF again as each round took a toll on my wife, physically and mentally.

I was also reminded to draw even closer to God and to give my burdens to Him as I supported my wife in this journey.

Moving house, moving forward

A few months after the unsuccessful procedure, we made a decision to move house.

A lot of people asked why we want to move when our house was relatively new and had many desirable attributes. To be honest, it was hard to leave, but we had the peace to do so.

Our first home held many wonderful memories, but we needed a change of environment.

For the past few years, we had been pursuing different methods of trying for a baby, but there had been no progress.

This home only served as a reminder of our unfulfilled dream of having a family, with spaces yet to be filled.

Moving to a new place did not mean that we were giving up on this dream. But we saw it as a chance to start afresh and to have new dreams.

We would still continue to try for a baby, but this pursuit would no longer consume our lives.

Even though their plans to have a child had not come to pass, the couple decided not to dwell on the past but move forward. One of the activities they embarked on together was learning how to dive.

In the past, we always researched on ways to improve our chances of conception. We also used to be very watchful over our diet, ensuring that we did not consume unhealthy food or use household items that might have harmful substances.

While we maintained these changes in our lifestyle after moving to our new house, we were not trying to pursue all of these as if they formed a checklist of to-dos for us to conceive.

Having a smaller space also forced us to declutter and to re-evaluate what was important in our lives, not just physically but also mentally and spiritually.

Feeling more motivated to move forward with my life than to dwell on things I could not control, I started a more regular exercise regime, signed up for courses, reconnected with people whom I had not kept in contact with and led outreach activities in my church.

After moving to their new home, Jelvin and his wife also picked up a new language together.

Moving to a new house was an opportunity for us to dream again for God, to have a fresh start in our walk with Him.

We learnt how to better appreciate and support each other, and to work together as a couple to be a blessing to other couples and families, with the Lord leading us. 

We still wanted kids, but we also acknowledged that our identity would not be tied to parenthood.

Over time, I also found that my prayers to God were less inward-looking – less on my own needs and more on the needs of others, as well as how I could pursue God’s purposes for me.

An unlikely surprise

Nearing the end of 2023, I still remember the morning my wife shared the joyous news of her positive result from the pregnancy test kit.

Six months after moving to our new place, and one-and-a-half years after our unsuccessful IVF procedure, we had conceived naturally! 

We least expected the pregnancy in that season especially because my wife was very stressed over a presentation she had been preparing for. When trying to conceive, we had always been advised by many to be relaxed. 

Words cannot express how awestruck we were.

Having not tested positive before in the past five years, it felt unbelievable and surreal when the couple discovered that they were expecting a baby.

For years we had been trying all means to conceive a child.

The last gynaecologist we saw even mentioned that it could be unexplained infertility as there were no indicators or any health issues that could account for why my wife had not conceived.

That is why, to us, this child is a miracle. God demonstrated that His ways are above ours. 

We were also reminded of our wedding verse.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

This child came when we were at a different stage of life – my wife and I were definitely not who we were when we first got married.

The couple’s journey with infertility brought them closer together as well as closer to God.

We have grown stronger through the trials we experienced, both as individuals and as a couple.

While we previously struggled at resolving differences, we have learnt to talk through our feelings, be more understanding towards each other, and support and lean on each other because of what we have gone through.

We have also found it to be true that trials can mould us and draw us closer to God. We realised that we could not rely on our own plans, abilities and strengths.

It was indeed a humbling experience, knowing that we did not have full control over our lives. As much as we tried to plan for a kid, God had His own plan and timing for us.

At their child’s 100-day celebration, the couple held a simple baby dedication where they also shared their testimony.

On 1 August 2024, we became parents to a healthy baby girl.

Because of what we have gone through, this has made us appreciate our daughter so much more. Every day when we look at her, we are reminded that she is a gift from God. 

We named our daughter Adrielle, which means “flock of God”, because we recognise that He is our Master and our help comes from Him.

We have a deeper understanding of what it means to rely on Him and trust that He has the best plan for us, even if it differs from our own plans.

More importantly, we recognise that every experience we have been through has brought us a step closer to who He wants us to become.

We are beloved children of God, regardless of what we have or do not have. He still loves us the same.

The family on their first overseas trip to Desaru, Malaysia.

For couples who are trying to conceive, we know that there are many voices out there on what to do (or not do) to increase your chances of conceiving.

While they are all well-intentioned advice, it is important not to let these overwhelm you. Do not be too caught up with chasing after all the options.

As a couple, pray and let God lead and direct you. What works for others may not be the best for you.

It is also easy to be affected by the news of others getting pregnant and having children. You may compare your life with others and question why it is so unfair.

I have learnt that it is more important to be faithful in walking your own journey. Remember that God created us as unique individuals and has unique plans for each of us. 

As you wait and trust in God, may you also experience the freedom of surrender and the joy of growing in Him.

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