If you had told me that I would be travelling to Europe and returning with a fiancé, my 23-year-old self would not have believed it.

But that was what happened to me 17 years ago.

In the final year of university, I began planning for my overseas stint as soon as my exams were over. 

This was the last thing I had to do before graduation: Complete a journalism practicum in Germany and Belgium.

Unknown to me, my boyfriend was also stealthily preparing to fly halfway around the world – except for a different purpose. 

The plan was so meticulous that even my supervising professor and everyone on the trip were in on the well-kept secret. 

They had to get me to the Grand Place in Brussels, where I was to receive an iPod with an audio message and eventually take off a blindfold to see my husband-to-be on bended knee.  

The surprise was a success, complete with flowers, chocolate and many congratulatory messages all the way from Singapore.

Accompanied by a brother-in-Christ, Rufus travelled from Singapore to Brussels for the surprise mission.

Making the big decision

As dramatic and romantic as the proposal was, that was not the reason I said “yes”. 

It was probably shocking to some of my peers that I chose to get engaged before I even started working as well.

But I must add that we had already been dating for five years by then, which gave us enough time to evaluate our relationship. 

Now that we have been together for 21 years (and married for 15), I have also found that the following things that guided my choices back then have helped our relationship to thrive.

If you are thinking about dating and marriage, here are 5 Cs to take to heart.

1. Chemistry

Beyond physical attraction, pay attention to the mental, emotional and spiritual bond you share.

It is interesting how my husband and I have different personalities – he is an extrovert, while I am an introvert  – but there is an ease when we are together. It is almost effortless. 

To use the analogy of a fire, after the initial spark and flames of passion (intensity), is there a warmth and comfort that draws you back again and again (frequency)?

Chemistry is also closely related to another “C” – communication. 

How are your conversations? How well can you connect mind to mind, heart to heart? How much do you enjoy each other’s company?

If you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, he or she ought to be someone you can connect with deeply.

“…I found him whom my soul loves.” (Song of Solomon 3:4b ESV)

2. Character

While it was chemistry that made me fall for my husband, it was his character that made me fall in love with him.

I saw how he loved others generously, was incredibly patient and easy-going, and always full of positivity. His heart captivated mine.

Looking back, I realise that the very things I liked most about my husband are also the areas that I am weak in. To this day, I am thankful for how complementary we are.

The thing about character is there are so many excellent traits that one can think of. However, some are probably more important to you than others.

So take time to reflect on what qualities mean the most to you.

We tied the knot in 2009, more than a year after the proposal. This capped off over six years of courtship.

When it comes to character, you are also looking at consistency.

That is why my advice to anyone looking to enter a relationship or marriage is not to rush into it. 

Hang out with friends and family. Do ministry together. Observe how he or she treats people. Hear what others have to say about him or her.

The bottom line: Character can only be seen over time and in different settings. 

“All the people of my town know that you are a woman of noble character.” (Ruth 3:11)

3. Convictions

Convictions may sound similar to character, but they are not.

Two people can have the same outstanding traits and yet have vastly different beliefs.

When weighing up a lifelong partner, find out:

• What is their idea of a successful life?
• What does family mean to them?
• What is their approach towards work?
• What is their attitude towards money?
• What do they think serving God looks like?

Each of us has core values that we hold close to our heart, and I have discovered that it is so much easier when husband and wife are in alignment.

What you are looking for here is compatibility. 

“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3)

By God’s grace, we are now a family of four.

4. Commitment

It will sound surprising to some, but before my husband and I started dating, we had already committed to work towards a long-term future together.

Marriage was always the goal. 

The mindset of “dating to marry” might be controversial to some, but I am not saying that you cannot end the relationship if you uncover deal-breakers.

However, I do suggest that you only start a relationship with someone who has marriage in mind, someone who is in it for the long haul. 

As you get to know one another, assess some more.

Do they stick around when things get messy? How do they respond when the going gets tough? Are they resolved to working things out?

After all, this is the same kind of commitment you would want to see in a marriage.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24 ESV)

5. Christ

Last but not least, if Jesus is important to you, then having the same faith would already be a non-negotiable on your list. 

But more than that, does this person inspire you to Christlikeness and bring you closer to God?

You might have heard this running joke: “Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not.” 

Sorry to all men out there, but the women are right on this one.

As Christians, having a growth mindset is biblical (2 Corinthians 3:18). Men or women, we will and should change – for the better.

Marriage gifts us with happiness, but it should also grow us in holiness.

Your spouse has to be someone who can sharpen you and spur you on in the journey of life, so that both of you will be found faithful at the end.

I am grateful that our marriage has encouraged us to further develop our gifts and talents, as well as to more fully walk in obedience to His plans for our lives. 

“…he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6b)

Marrying young means we have journeyed with each other through many milestones, such as when my husband graduated from Trinity Theological College during the COVID-19 season.

Are you ready to be “the one” to someone else?

While I have shared what to look out for in a potential partner, there is one more area that I must address.

Thankfully, unlike the list above, this has to do with something that is within your control.

Before finding someone to marry, it is worth reflecting on your own readiness. Here are two questions you can ask yourself:

1. Have I fully understood God’s love for me?

Be sure that you are not expecting to find a kind of love that even the person you marry cannot give.

If you are looking to a man or woman to heal your wounds or fill gaps in your heart, you will be disappointed.

After dating my husband for more than 20 years, I can tell you that it is not the love from him that makes me whole.

Because as humans, we all have flaws, and we all make mistakes. When the storms of life come, even the most compatible spouse will fail you.

There is no other relationship that can be compared to the one that we have with God. Only God Himself can love us perfectly. 

Have you found your identity and security in God’s love?

2. Am I willing to love in the same way God loves me?

I have to confess that when I was younger, I loved a lot more selfishly. 

But God’s sacrificial love gradually changed my heart, helping me to put the interests of another above my own. 

Because of His love for us, my husband and I have also learnt to love one another better.

That is why we chose 1 John 4:19 as our wedding verse: “We love because He first loved us.”

A relationship of any kind requires sacrifice – and this is even more true in a lifetime union.

In a marriage, you have to be prepared to give up your needs and your wants to meet someone else’s.

Are you ready to lay down your life for another?

I hope that these five tips and two questions will be useful for anyone who is contemplating dating and marriage.

While you seek God and search out a partner, would you not only look around, but also look up and look within? 

I pray that you, dear reader, would also find a love here on earth that gives you a taste of the heavenly love that He lavishes on all of us. 

This story first appeared in Salt&Light’s newly released third book, Inspirational Stories of Faith in Love. Get your copy here or read more about the book below.