Her daughter had looked forward to being in a secondary school that emphasised the sport she loved best – tenpin bowling.

So, when the 13-year-old started crying every day on the way to school and asking if she could give school a miss, Jocelin Tan was puzzled. Tan would discover later that her daughter was being bullied by her bowling teammates.

“Only four students got into the school via DSA (Direct School Admission). Three of them came from the same school. My daughter was the only one from another school.

“She didn’t compete much in primary school. So, there was no record of how good she was at bowling. The other three started chatting, ‘Why is this girl in this school? She didn’t win any tournaments in primary school.’ They started to gossip about her a lot.”

Tan’s daughter was ostracised – “nobody would talk to her” – and criticised.

“They said her bowling style was ugly, that she didn’t have enough bowling equipment because my daughter had fewer than three bowling balls.”

Even when Tan’s daughter proved herself by coming in fourth in the final of the Secondary School League and was the only one in her school to get that far in the competition, the bullying persisted.

“They said she was lucky, or that the coach had spent a lot of time guiding her instead of them, which was why they didn’t do as well.”

Tan’s daughter was traumatised. Her self-esteem was affected and daily she would ask if she was a nuisance or if there was something unlikeable about her.

“Every day, we told her to pray because God answers prayers and He would use His method to show her the miracles.

“Through this, we bonded and became very close.”

This and other stories of bullying were shared on Salt&Light Family Night on Tuesday (June 29) alongside tips on how parents can respond to bullying.

Of the nearly 170 viewers that night, nearly 1 in 3 (28%) had someone in their family who was a victim of bullying, while more than 1 in 10 had been bullied. Those who had bullied others made up 2% of the viewers.

Verbal bullying was the most common form of bullying encountered (80%). Social bullying, or being ostracised, came a close second at 69%. Given the current digital age, it was not surprising that cyberbullying was more common (38%) than physical bullying (31%).

Apart from Tan, FamChamps Deputy Head Chong Ee Jay was also present as a panellist. Chong is a seasoned counsellor and champion of families and digital literacy. Joining him was Andrew Kang, a former Vice Principal and Head of Department in charge of Pupil Management. Now the CEO of Tcher Online, Kang is a father to four children aged 11 to 18.

Here are the talking points in this episode of Salt&Light Family Night.

What parents can do if their child is being bullied

1. Believe your child

Always believe your child if he or she tells you about being bullied and always make time to deal with the situation, said Kang, 49.

“Offer a non-judgemental listening posture.”

Recounting an occasion when his son told him that he had been verbally bullied, Kang said he went the very next day to talk to his son’s teacher so the teacher would be aware of the situation.

“I jumped at the opportunity to represent my son, to demonstrate that daddy is always there for him.”

2. Assess the situation

Not every complaint needs parental intervention, though, said Kang.

“You can tell as a parent. The moment you feel it is not superficial, you have to email the teacher or call the school to talk to the teacher to say your child has been affected.

“This raises awareness so the teacher will take notice of what is happening in the class.”

3. Take action

On another occasion, his son was picked on by a teacher who did not like that he “asked a lot of questions” and was not afraid to correct the teacher.

Kang spoke to the teacher.

“Always take some action so your child knows you are someone he can trust.

“Bullies always look for victims who are powerless, quiet and don’t complain, and have no backup.

“Then, they grow more powerful and bold because this person has no one to stand for him. But if he bullies and the parent calls the teacher, and the teacher talks to the two to try to find out what has happened, this bully will now think twice, three times, four times before he bullies this person again.”

Added Chong: “When we sweep the issue under the carpet, we render our children helpless and, indirectly, communicate to them that there is nothing we can do to help them.

“In the long run, we are teaching them that bullying is okay. When our child next sees bullying in society, they might not lend a hand because they were taught this is the way.”

4. Go through the hierarchy

Kang recommends first bringing the matter up to the teacher and only approaching the vice principal or principal when the teacher does not respond.

“If the form teacher is not doing anything, then go to the discipline master, then the VP, then the principal. Don’t feel bad or shy that you have to speak to someone else. 

“Because you told the teacher and he is not taking any action, you have to go to a higher authority. I would say that, as a former school leader and now a parent, don’t feel bad that you are going past the teacher if your child is being victimised and the action is not taken, or too slow and not done in the right manner.”

Kang did caution against going overboard and “complaining to the Ministry (of Education)” though.

How to respond if your child won’t let you take action

1. Respect his wishes

The panellists said that respecting the child’s wish and not insisting on taking the situation up with those in authority should be the first course of action.

“If your child can say this, he or she is trying to manage the situation. Then, he will develop resilience,” said Kang.

2. Ask him how he is defending himself

According to Chong, 41, the reluctance to alert those in authority may arise from fear of escalation by the bully.

“They may have encountered similar situations where they told the teacher and nothing was done and the bully escalated his behaviour. So, if you don’t intervene, it stays status quo. But when you intervene, it gets worse.

“So, ask them to share what they are doing to protect themselves. Tell them that you need assurance that they are taking active steps.”

3. Assess the situation

However, if parents ascertain that the situation has gotten worse, it is always good to still take action and approach the teacher or a school counsellor about the matter.

4. Provide another source of help

If teachers are not the ones the child wants to turn to, offer someone else.

“Ask them, ‘Would you like to share with someone else?’ Refer them to someone within the trusted community that they can talk to for ideas on how to deal with the bullying or solutions,” said Chong.

What those in authority can do to reduce bullying

In his time as an educator, Kang dealt with the bullied, the bullies and their parents.

“I have counselled bullies and even scolded parents along the way.”

He has also seen all manner of bullying from fights, hitting, hair-pulling, pinching and scratching to the use of vulgarities and bad-mouthing others.

“I’ve seen boys bullying boys, boys bullying girls, girls bullying girls, girls bullying boys.”  

He advocates making clear what bullying is and that it is not acceptable.

“It is always good for people in authority – school leaders, teachers, parents – to publicly declare that this is the line so the kids are clear what bullying is. Too much grey area makes children insecure.

“I stand in front of the school to address these issues. I make public announcements that no bullying is allowed in this school, or the school will come after you.

“I give examples of what bullying is, for example boys pulling girls’ hair. As long as they feel uncomfortable and there is physical hurt, it is bullying.”

What to do if those in authority will not take action   

Kang suggested that parents be involved in the school to have ready access to the teachers and school leaders.

“Join the parent support group. This is how you can go straight to the leadership to have direct access to teachers. This way, you can bypass emails because you are in chat groups with the principal, the vice principal, the discipline master.

“Men especially, as protectors of the family, should join.”

How a child can respond to being bullied

1. Be resilient

Kang taught his children not to take offence easily as part of being resilient, while Tan taught her daughter to manage her own feelings.

“I always tell her, ‘You can’t control how people treat you, but you can control how you react. And I will always be there to give you the fullest support.

“Show your empathy to others. They may be bullies but maybe they have their stories.’”

2. Tell a parent

“I have told my son several times that, if any friend uses vulgarities or says something very hurtful, he should not accept it.

“He must always tell daddy. I am that figure for him to turn to for protection and for advice,” said Kang.

This is especially important for younger children.

“The younger they are, they are still maturing cognitively, emotionally. It is important that parents come alongside to process the emotions and do things with them to help them find the control, or a place to articulate or vent.

“Get them to air their feelings without a sense of judgement. If we question or doubt or belittle them, we are making them feel more out of control instead of giving them a sense of control.”

3. Clarify feelings

Added Chong: “Ask him what he is upset by. What part of what the bully did made him upset?

“It is also a good opportunity to ask, ‘Why would you call it bullying? How has your self-esteem been affected?’

“This is to help the child gain clarity, not to doubt the child. Use those moments to process the emotions and behaviour, and find out if your child has done something to trigger the person’s behaviour.”

4. Formulate an action plan

Parents should then help the child come up with practical actions to take when bullied.

Said Chong: “It is okay to walk away. Walk away to your friends who will be your safe haven because if you walk away alone, they will come after you. Then, your child can also calm down and feel better.

“He can escalate the matter to the teacher so that, at least, the teacher is in the know and can cover your child.

“Your child can tell the bully to stop. Call out the behaviour and ask the bully to stop.”

Chong explained that halting the bullying behaviour corrects the imbalance of power and helps to address the behaviour rather than target the bully.   

The difference between standing up to bullies and taking revenge

Chong shared how, in university, when he had had enough of being cyberbullied, he took things into his own hands.

“I reached that peak when I lost it. I became the bully. I retaliated online. I went on full attack mode. I went berserk.

“I used my real account and attacked the bully. Did I feel better? Yes, I felt I got my revenge. But when I saw the mess that I had created, I felt even more out of control.”

Upon reflection, he realised that what he had wanted was to “feel a sense of control”.

“When we are traumatised, what we immediately want to do is to look for a central point where we can have control. So, are there other ways apart from retaliation to have that control?”

Chong advised that those being bullied can gain control of their emotions instead.

“Walk away to calm down, pen your feelings down in a journal, talk to somebody.”

How to fortify children against being bullied

Kang recommended that parents instil confidence in their children and give them assurance as one way of preventing them from being victimised by bullies. A stable home environment with parents who demonstrate commitment to each other would help too.

“This way, they appear confident in school,” he said.

Faith plays a part in managing bullying

When Tan’s daughter was being bullied, she gathered her cell group members to pray for her daughter.

“I also shared with her the list of people praying for her. We set a time one day each week to pray with her so she was together with our prayer group.”

Tan also encouraged her daughter to pray.

“We always pray when she shares her experiences with me. She knows that she can pray when she is being bullied.

“I always tell her, ‘When you encounter problems, God will not allow pain without a purpose.’ Maybe from this experience she can help others.”

This is exactly what has happened. Now 21, Tan’s daughter is helping secondary school students overcome bullying.

This was Chong’s experience as well. He was bullied throughout his primary and secondary school years because he was “horizontally very gifted”. Called every mean name in the book for being overweight, classmates would trip him up as he walked or ran. No one came to his aid when he fell.

“I endured the bullying to be socially accepted and part of the group that played football,” said Chong who loved the sport when he was in school.

When he told his parents about his ordeal, they said that it was “part and parcel of growing up”.

Chong was even bullied by older boys from a different school on his way home.

“They surrounded me, pushed me to the floor, made me feel lousy so they would feel good.”

So, for a few months, he had to take a detour home just to avoid his bullies.

Even in university, Chong was not spared. He was cyberbullied. By then, he had lost weight and become popular. But he was picked on because he was well-liked. A friend faked his social media account, and used it to impersonate him and write nasty things to his friends.

Chong responded differently this time.

“By then, I had my faith to undergird me. Through a seminar in church, I encountered God who told me to reconcile with the bully. I took the big step to do so.

“Everybody thought I was crazy. ‘Why would you do such a thing?’ But I made up with the bully. We are now friends. I even attended his wedding.”

Because of his experience and the healing he received through God, Chong now counsels youths.

“It was really tough going through those situations in my younger days. It made me empathise with and relate to those who are being bullied. It gave me a heart for the underdogs, people marginalised and bullied.”

Healing is needed to overcome the trauma 

Said Chong: “You need to pay attention to their emotions because they are hurt. They may have taken drastic measures on their own such as self-harm, retaliating or hurting others.

“Give them the space to bring forth their emotions. Get them to talk about it. Find out the root issue.”

One-on-one counselling using cognitive behaviour therapy or art therapy can help, as can bringing the parents into the healing process.

“When they are ready, encourage them to speak to the bully or the people around who didn’t step forward to help.”

Bullies need help too

The panellists also raised the issue of helping the bullies.

Said Kang: “Bullies are actually weak. They lack a lot and they are asking for help, crying out for someone to recognise them and give them the attention and security that they lack.”

Chong agreed: “Bullies are displaying the power imbalance onto others because, in all likelihood, they had experienced that and they were the victims once. There was no closure. So, the best defence was to offend.

“Everyone has a story behind the behaviour. There is a story behind why he or she became a bully.”

To help viewers appreciate the trauma bullies themselves may have lived through, Kang cited heart-breaking stories of rejection some of the bullies he had encountered had experienced.

One was turned away by both her father and her mother who, after the divorce, remarried and established new families.

“She lived with her paternal grandma who told her almost every single day, ‘I don’t like your face.’”

Another had parents who were both in drug rehabilitation centres and had to live in an orphanage.

“Talk to the child. Understand what griefs, hurts and trauma they have experienced that resulted in them being a bully,” said Chong.

Added Kang: “The best way to heal trauma and hurt is when the bully realises he or she is in the wrong and sincerely apologises.”

The restorative practice aims to restore the self-esteem of the bully and the victim, and restore their relationship.

“There must be an apology and an acceptance of the apology. Then, there is restoration and the child can get back to life much better than if there was never such restoration,” said Kang.

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