Growing up in a dysfunctional family, my childhood was far from a fairy tale.

As a young girl, I often felt abandoned and unloved. The emotional, physical and sexual abuse that I endured haunted me for years. Both my father and mother had their own extramarital affairs, which only added to the instability at home.

Fear became my constant companion, and I often found solace in locking myself in the bathroom.

And when things at home became too much to handle, McDonald’s became my shelter of refuge where I would spend countless sleepless nights. In the overwhelming stress of uncertainty and chaos, I would constantly hide in bathroom stalls to cry, hoping for something to happen. But it seemed like my prayers went unanswered.

fAt the age of ten, my father left our family, and shortly after, my mother was declared bankrupt.

Desperation led me to stand by the window where I would contemplate ending it all. I didn’t want to simply be injured, I wanted to die.

In my anguish to end the pain, I attempted to end my life several times. However, deep down, I always knew it was wrong to end my life and I always felt a pang of guilt for the cleaning lady who would have to deal with my lifeless body.

Escape into depression and alcohol

At 17, depression set in, and alcohol became my escape.

When I entered university, I was determined to make something of myself and prove to my father that I was worth loving, not someone to be left behind.

Independence and career success were my driving forces.

By 26, I had paid off my university loans and moved out of home after working tirelessly for two-and-a-half years. I thought I had made it, but then cancer struck.

“You must be kidding me,” I thought to myself. The diagnosis felt like the final blow. I was ready to give up and asked God to take me away.

But while I was in hospital, people persistently showed up to encourage and support me, and that kept me going. Perhaps God had sent them to be by my side so that I neither had the space nor time to have any suicidal thoughts during that difficult time.

As a result of surviving this health ordeal, I felt a strong desire to discover who this God, who had saved me, was. I made it my goal in 2020 to connect with God.

A light in the dark

At the start of the new year, I felt compelled to join an online church service. The preacher spoke about our identity and what we place our trust in. Reflecting on this, I realised that I had based my identity and worth on my career, and that I had to choose between following God or the world.

I had everything to lose. I had been thriving in a well-paying job in the tech industry for seven years at this point. However, I felt that God was revealing the hidden things in my heart, showing me that my heart was not in the right place.

Although I had always sensed a calling to serve and volunteer in the social service sector, it didn’t make financial sense to me.

It weighed heavily on my mind, but I was convicted to lay everything down to follow Jesus’ will for my life. I quit my job and started to volunteer in several non-profit organisations.

Through a series of God-orchestrated incidents, I found a local church where I now worship and fellowship regularly. Volunteering became my new calling, and I connected with SOS to share my story in the “Light in the Dark” support group for individuals struggling with suicidality.

Sharing my story in the support group was another turning point for me. I thought I had already dealt with my suicidal thoughts, but I found myself choking up as I recounted my struggles with my abusive family and life-threatening disease.

“Had I not resolved this?” I wondered.

Through this group, where others shared similar lived experiences, I managed to process buried emotions that had resurfaced. The support group showed me that I was not alone and that my story could serve as a source of hope and encouragement to others.

This realisation was the embodiment of Genesis 50:20 in my life – the harm and pain I experienced was being transformed into something good.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, telling others that there is hope in this life.”

Moved by the healing I experienced in the support group, I decided  to  become a counsellor. Currently as a counsellor-in-training, I can see how God’s hand has been at work. My struggles with suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety and cancer have equipped me with empathy and understanding.

When I listen to others who are going through similar experiences, they often say: “Eh, you get it!” This connection, born out of shared suffering, allows me to reach out in ways that others might not be able to.

My past pain is now a tool for relating to others in distress, offering a lifeline to those who are in crisis.

The one true refuge

God’s grace has also brought about reconciliation with my father.

Initially, my anger towards my father was so intense, to the point where I envisioned his funeral as the next time I would see him.

But through God’s transformative power, we have reconciled. This mending of our relationship is another testament to how what was intended for harm has been turned into good.

Genesis 50:20 encapsulates the essence of my journey.

The suffering I endured was never without purpose. Through God’s grace, the pain that once threatened to destroy me has been repurposed into a mission of hope and healing.

The harm intended by life’s trials has become the foundation for saving many lives – including my own.

Through every trial, God has been my constant. From a rough childhood to battling cancer, he has never left my side. My faith in Jesus has been my anchor and I believe that this life is not mine but belongs to the Lord.

In my tumultuous childhood, McDonald’s was my place of refuge when the chaos at home became unbearable. It was a temporary escape from the emotional and physical turmoil, a place where I could momentarily feel safe and find fleeting comfort in the warmth and anonymity that the fast-food restaurant offered.

However, as I have grown in my faith, I have come to understand that true refuge and hope cannot be found in physical places or temporary escapes.

It is in Christ alone that I have found enduring comfort and strength. His unwavering presence has become my ultimate sanctuary, a constant source of joy and hope amidst life’s challenges. Through him, I have discovered a refuge that transcends any earthly shelter, one that offers true and everlasting peace that enables me to journey with others from darkness to light.

This story was prepared by Alex M and Samaritans of Singapore for Methodist Message. It is republished with permission.