During the course of my work as a pharmacist, I became afraid of giving patients the wrong medications and instructions.

I would check the medication inside the packaging multiple times even though I knew it was correct.

I also often replayed in my mind all my conversations with patients after they had left. 

This went from bad to worse. 

I started repeating simple tasks – like hand-scrubbing my clothes – over and over again until they were done to my satisfaction. It drained me physically.

Mentally, it was even more exhausting. My mind could not rest. It was constantly active, replaying everything I did at work or at home. The only time this stopped was when I slept.

I held on by my sheer willpower, until one day I couldn’t hold it any longer. I broke down, lost hope and could not see a future for myself.

The diagnosis

I knew what was happening even before I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and depression in early 2008.

I tried both western and traditional Chinese medicine, but none helped to improve my condition.

Hoon Lian at her university faculty in Malaysia, just before graduating in 2004. She moved to Singapore the following year. Photo courtesy of Lee Hoon Lian.

Then in December that year, my ex-housemate invited me to her church for healing prayer by her pastor.

I was not a Christian but, desperate for help, I went with her.

Alone in the prayer room, I uttered a simple prayer to God to help me get out of this misery.

The bright light 

As my eyes were closed, a bright light suddenly shone around me.

I saw a man in a white robe extending His right hand to me. Even though His voice was not audible, I could sense Him saying: “If you are willing to hold on to My hand, I will help you.”

I thought it was my imagination.

When I opened and closed my eyes again, the same man appeared. He made the same gesture and said the same thing again.

After Hoon Lian said her first prayer, she saw a vision of Jesus. Photos by Isaac Lim for Tung Ling Bible School unless otherwise stated.

I told my ex-housemate what happened. She explained that the man was Jesus.

The encounter was so vivid that I can still remember it clearly to this day. 

After that, I made the decision to hold on to Jesus’ hand and invited Him into my life.

Guidance and providence 

He kept His promise to help me. He gave me a future which I could not see back then.

Because I was no longer able to perform the basic requirements of dispensing medication in my job, I contemplated studying to become a psychologist.

I committed my plan to God. But I was also fearful that the OCD might recur, which meant I would have wasted my effort, time and money on studying psychology.

Then I saw God close the door on this plan. I missed the deadline to apply for the course because of a miscommunication with the university administration staff. 

At the same time, He opened a new door.

He provided for me over the next 15 years, through work at a public hospital. It included work in a new field where I was no longer required to dispense medication. It took away a big part of the stress. 

“He gave all He could give”

Fast forward to the present.

The OCD is manageable and I no longer require medication. I also no longer suffer from depression.

I believe Jesus is my healer. His grace is more than enough for me.

Celebrating her birthday at her former workplace. Photo courtesy of Lee Hoon Lian.

At the beginning of this year, I tendered my resignation.

What led me to make this huge decision to give up my stable job when I still had a mortgage and bills to pay?

It all began during Christmas service at my church in 2022.

The worship team was singing a well-known Christmas song, We are the Reason.

I had heard and sung this song countless times. To me, it was just a beautiful song.

However, it was slightly different this time.

The lyrics in the chorus hit me hard that day: “To a world that was lost, He gave all He could give …”

He gave everything that He had for me, for all of us.

I started to think: What have I done so far with this life of mine, which Jesus exchanged His for?

Honestly, nothing.

I had been going through the motions of working on weekdays and resting on weekends – and repeating the same cycle for 15 years, occasionally serving in church as a backup vocalist.

Wake-up call

It was a wake-up call. I was not treasuring the precious gift of His life and death on the cross. I was just wasting my life.

Imagine the feeling when the recipient of your gift, which you had delicately prepared, just chucks it aside. It definitely doesn’t feel good. But that was exactly what I was doing to Jesus’ gift to me.

I started to think that it was time for me to restructure my life to serve Him and people around me, to be salt and light for Him (Matthew 5:13-16).

It was not easy for me – a practical person – to decide to quit my job.

I struggled with God for almost nine months. At one point, I was afraid of the verse: “Here I am” (Isaiah 6:8). I even avoided listening to the song “Jesus I Come” by Awaken Generation.

I asked God: “How am I going to pay the bills?”

He just said: “Don’t worry”.

When I complained to God that I was not good enough and asked: “What can I do?”, He simply answered: “Gideon”. Meaning, don’t try your best on my own effort, but be fully dependent on Him.

After God healed Hoon Lian of her OCD, she began pondering what to do with the life Jesus had exchanged His for.

When I asked Him if I should resign or take no pay leave as offered by my boss, He just said: “Lot’s wife”. Meaning, don’t look back.

So recently, I enrolled myself for a three-month course at Tung Ling Bible School.

I think going to Tung Ling was a good first step to getting to know Him deeper, as well as His purpose for me.

I’m still trusting Him to open the right door to what He wants me to do next.  

Saying “I love you, Jesus”

For 15 years after inviting Christ into my life, I questioned if I really loved Jesus.

I couldn’t express my gratitude to Him and say “I love You” out loud. They were just empty words without my heart truly feeling them.

Then one Saturday in March, I was suddenly filled with joy while sweeping the floor at home.

I was finally able to say out loud: “Jesus, I think I’m falling in love with You.”

When I told a staff member at Tung Ling about it on Monday, he said: “Do you know how happy Jesus is, because he waited 15 years for you to say it?”

It gave me a new perspective. 

Hoon Lian is now waiting on God for a new direction.

It touched me to know how patient Jesus had been with me over the past 15 years – even when He knew my heart was not ready.

I believe that it was through the prayers, worship and time of healing at Tung Ling that I had this spiritual breakthrough.

A thought just came to me: Why did Jesus extend His right hand and not His left hand to me that day?

I did a quick search of the Bible and found Psalm 139:9-10: “If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.”‬‬‬‬

It’s His assurance that He will never ever let me go nor abandon me, regardless of where I go.

Part of this story first appeared in Polished Shaft, the publication of Tung Ling Bible School. It has been adapted with permission.

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