Augustine Dhirgahayoe, a 38-year-old Indonesian, sought cancer treatment in Singapore in 2017. Even in her last days, she inspired the hospice nurses and her fellow patients with her positivity, bright smile and unshakeable faith.

Dhirgahayoe passed away peacefully on November 13, 2017. But before her passing, she recorded her life story with the help of the hospice nurses and a Bahasa-speaking social worker, in a book: When Fear Knocks, Let Faith Answer.

She hoped to inspire those who face similar health conditions, and encourage them to keep smiling and keep the faith, as she did.

This is Dhirgahayoe’s story, in her own words.

My name is Augustine Dhirgahayoe, and I am 38 years old.

In March 2017, I was told that I had four months to live.

I was at a loss. I didn’t want to give up, I wanted to keep fighting on. There was a lot I had yet to give, so much I had yet to do.

A big start, a new life

I married my pillar of support, Andreas Supriyatna (Andre) 13 years ago in Bogor.

Ten years into Andre’s illustrious marketing career, he decided to call it quits. I, too, left my wedding planning business behind for a life with Andre in Yogyakarta.

Together, we invested all our resources into opening a restaurant there.

The year 2012 was meant to be the big start of a new life for us. It was an exciting time – we could work side by side to build a whole new life together.

Andre also felt compelled then to strengthen his faith as a Protestant, so we began attending church regularly.

About five months into opening our restaurant however, I spotted a lump on the left side of my back. It looked completely different from the benign growth I had discovered back in 2010.

I needed to seek medical attention, but we couldn’t afford it, having just poured our life savings into the restaurant.

When our financial concerns became clear to our church community, a close friend pulled Andre aside and asked if he would be willing to receive donations to fund my medical costs.

Andre wasn’t used to receiving charity but he felt that he had to set his ego aside for my sake. Andre told me: “It’s God’s way to guide me towards humility.” Andre also felt it would be on his conscience if he were to refuse this opportunity.

With their help, we soon had enough for me to seek medical attention at Dr Sardjito General Hospital. Within weeks, I was diagnosed with a cancerous tumour on my left back – a sarcoma.

In sickness and in health 

I remember the day I was informed. I wasn’t feeling scared at all. In fact, I felt confident at the time that I would overcome the cancer.

I personally knew others who had battled cancer and won, and was sure I would join their numbers.

On the other hand, the news of my diagnosis hit Andre hard. He was plagued with self-doubt and blame and wondered whether he had made the wrong decision in leaving his well-paying job with all of its medical benefits.

Bravely, he wrestled his own feelings aside, and I watched as he became my main caregiver, providing me with unwavering support.

With the loss of her physical mobility, Augustine had to rely greatly on her husband’s help, especially in manoeuvering the wheelchair and treating the wound on her back, which she could not see.

Cancer greatly tested our marriage. 

At first, I assumed that, since I was the one with cancer and bore all the physical pain, it was only right that Andre listened to my every whim and fancy.

We quarrelled over simple tasks, from manoeuvring the wheelchair, to managing the wound on my back, which I couldn’t see unless a mirror was used.

On his part, Andre learned that I was struggling to cope with the loss of my independence and physical strength. I felt incomplete, but with Andre’s help, I realised that I was not solely defined by my outward appearance and health.

I realised that I am who I am because of the depth of my faith and the amount of love I’m capable of giving.

We slowly learned to trust each other all over again. I’m eternally grateful that Andre chose to keep his marriage vows of remaining true, in sickness and in health.

Source of strength

My cancer went into remission after treatment in 2012, but another lump was discovered on my left shoulder in 2015. A relapse occurred, and I was prescribed more radiation and chemotherapy to treat the cancer.

In the meantime, we were introduced through our local church to Sahabat Orang Sakit (SOS), a missionary group based in Singapore.

SOS was founded in 2008 by Indonesian pastor Pastor Stephanus Wijaya, who had noticed the substantial group of Indonesian patients coming to Singapore to seek treatment.

Being away from family, Indonesian patients are left without social and emotional support. SOS visits these patients and extends support and prayers to them, along with resources and medical equipment.

In 2015, SOS visited Yogyakarta for a recruitment seminar, and we began to carry out patient visits in local hospitals with them.

I felt that, as a patient myself, I could provide genuine empathic support and become a relatable source of strength for my fellow patients.

Miracle after miracle

Midway through 2016, I had a consultation review after my latest chemotherapy cycle, and it seemed that my doctor had few options left for me.

The chance of a cure was bleak, especially since sarcoma statistically forms a very small percentage of known cancer cases, and research on it has not been extensive.

All we could do then was pray for a miracle.

It came in the form of Dr Tony Setiobudi, an orthopaedic specialist in Mount Elizabeth Hospital, Singapore, and a member of SOS. He was scheduled to conduct a seminar in Yogyakarta and agreed to give me a brief medical consult there.

After meeting me however, he urged me to go to Singapore for a proper consultation. We were ecstatic at this opportunity, especially since we had previously gone to visit Singapore together with SOS and had seen the advanced infrastructure and extensive medical resources available there. 

But reality soon set in. It was logistically difficult and expensive to move to a foreign country, and the costs of the medical treatment (around S$50,000) were daunting.

SOS did not have the resources to fund such a large amount, but Ps Wijaya had this advice: “We still have God. God will always provide, you just need to believe.”

Andre turned to our church and began reaching out to his closest friends for help. They used social media to spread our appeal, and in just two and a half days, $10,000 was raised.

We felt so blessed, and our faith was strengthened yet again.

My tiny rock

Andre and I arrived in Singapore on October 13, 2016, and headed straight to the hospital for a Positron Emission Tomography (PET) scan.

This revealed that the cancer had already spread to my lungs, and there was little more that Dr Seiobudi could do for me.

Anger and despair washed over us. I thought then that our trip to Singapore would be fruitless. Andre was ashamed to face our hometown community that had helped to get us here.

Despite the bitterness and anger I felt, I knew one thing for sure: God had always provided for me and He always will. Everything happens for a reason, and it was up to me to choose to place my trust in His plans.

Just as we were planning to return home, we received an all-important phone call from Dr Setiobudi. He had managed to refer my case to Dr Angela Pang, an oncologist at National University Hospital.

I ended up resuming chemotherapy there, and we received financial help from Dr Setiobudi to fund my medical treatment. I was also assisted with charity funding.

I had originally been slated to receive a higher dosage of chemotherapy back at Sardjito Hospital, but Dr Pang prescribed only a small dose to prevent further tumour ulceration.

At this point, Andre reminded me of the story of David and Goliath. David’s only weapon against the giant was his catapult and a tiny rock. Because of David’s prayers to God, this tiny rock was given immense capability to kill Goliath.

Andre hoped and prayed that my smaller chemo dosage would be like that rock – tiny but immense, with the help of God.

After just one cycle of chemotherapy, there was indeed a reduction in the tumour size, and we were overjoyed. Our prayers had been answered! I managed to complete three cycles.

So much yet to do

In March 2017, I was told that I could no longer continue with further chemotherapy and that I had four months to live.

The skin at the area previously consumed by the tumour was not healing, and with that large an area, no skin graft was possible. It would become increasingly difficult to manage the wound if internal structures were to be exposed over time.

While I wanted to keep fighting on, it was easier to accept my mortality on a spiritual level. The life I was living did not belong to me in the first place, it belonged to God.

My husband also encouraged me with the biblical story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. They bravely proclaimed their unwavering faith in God, even when they did not know whether He would deliver them from the furnace (Daniel 3:17-18). God eventually saved them without a single burn on their bodies.

This reminded me that, even if God did not grant me the miracle I so wished and prayed for, my faith and love for Him should never wane. After all, I’ve already been receiving miracle after miracle since my diagnosis.

So much help had poured in, and all these had only been possible because of God. With all the positives that came out of my situation, I simply couldn’t allow myself to be bitter and angry now.

With that, I strived to be resolute and steadfast in meeting my destiny. I challenged myself to cut through the haze of pain, and to appreciate the positive moments.

I decided to focus on what I could do in the moment, like spending time with Andre and volunteering with SOS.

I also engaged the services of HCA Hospice Care on Dr Pang’s recommendation, and the staff has been wonderful to me. Nurse Amy started by visiting me weekly, providing me with valuable words of encouragement on top of her nursing duties.

While fighting cancer, Augustine (first row, middle) continued serving with Sahabat Orang Sakit (SOS), visiting fellow patients and encouraging them in the faith. The SOS community also became a source of friendship and support for her in Singapore.

I was amazed that HCA was willing to reach out to me, and help me extend my social support network in Singapore, even though I was a foreigner in this land.

I’m now receiving treatment for a right flank tumour, and while it is causing me pain, I’m trying to ignore it so I can continue participating in SOS’ patient prayer visits. I want to keep doing good and spreading love in this world. My work here isn’t done yet!

I try to stay grateful and find the silver linings – this keeps me going. If I were to go home to my Maker, it would only mean that my job in this world was done.

I’m not going to plan for the long-term. I’m grateful for the gift of another day, every day.

Dhirgahayoe passed away peacefully on November 13, 2017. When Fear Knocks, Let Faith Answer continues to encourage and inspire many. Andre is now volunteering with SOS and travels around the world to share their testimony and preach the Gospel. This excerpt from When Fear Knocks, Let Faith Answer has been republished with permission. 

“Less of me and more of You”: A nurse’s journey from aesthetic medicine to end-of-life care

“Stop your mourning, stand up and fight!” God told couple who were struck with cancer one after another