This April, a tall, sincere, young man asked for my daughter’s hand. 

My social media went into a frenzy, and everyone asked how I felt. 

My standard response was that I had no idea because I had never felt this way before. (The young man would say I made him jump through a few hoops!)

Even when they were small, I was nervous that time would march relentlessly on and I would find myself where I am today: My kids ready to fly the coop and me, unready.

The terrain of parenting changes dramatically as the young ones stop being so young. The things that worked, the dreams we hold dear, and even our doubts shape-shift.

A constant nagging doubt parents suffer from is whether they have done enough. When the once-kids grow into full-fledged adults, the response to this doubt shifts from: “I can do more” to “I can perhaps do more, if they let me?”.

My parenting style at this point is summed up as Deeply Grateful, Sometimes Nervous, Ever Learning.

So many things can go awry along the journey called life. The tug of war begins when from the tremendous teen years, when a young life is discovering himself and seeking to express and assert a personal identity apart from the parents. 

This is a necessary developmental stage that allows the adult to emerge from the cocoon of safety that is childhood.

But it is process filled with stressors that can cause the parent-child relationship to become strained, even hostile at times.

For me to have two healthy young adults who enjoy the home, are competent in their field of training, and seek to support their parents is a sheer blessing. 

We have honest conversations, prioritise family times of prayer, and despite the genetic variance in personality and disposition, are in each other’s corner.

They are not Gen X

The world has changed rapidly within one generation and we parents are breathless, trying to catch up with all the demands of work and family life.

Unlike their Gen X parents, our young adults do not plan far ahead, squirrel away money for savings, or seem eager to learn life skills, thanks to the notion that they can get by with YouTube tutorials, Jenni said.

Schooling is more complex with the need for portfolios. Faith development is more challenging with popular worldviews that dominate cultural narratives. 

Cost of living continues to climb upwards, and parents try to let their children keep up.

Our grown children live in a world that differs so greatly from ours. No matter how many times I have prayed and settled myself into the wide promises of God, I still wonder how my son will navigate adult life and my daughter her own family. 

I mean, they provide adequate evidence to cause anxiety! For instance, they do not plan far ahead the way we Gen Xers are wont to do, squirrel away money for savings, or seem eager to learn life skills, thanks to the notion that they can get by with YouTube tutorials.

And while Gen Xers typically don’t challenge our parents outright, the new generation has grown up in a different world, where they are taught that self-expression is paramount.

So while my parents’ generations used to sigh with satisfaction when a child was grown, I find myself having to paddle along, furiously learning about what may await my grown children.

The biggest change is how to relate to them. They no longer liked to be told but prefer to be consulted, even if they have not properly formed an opinion on the subject.

I recently chatted with a young nurse who revealed she had two children; the younger one just turned one. She said that she could not wait for them to grow up. 

I immediately told her to desist from the thought and to embrace and enjoy this precious season of parenting young, receptive lives.

It’s a phase I miss, especially when old photos of these adorable little beings appear on my computer screen or Facebook memories.

The changing seasons of parenthood

The one thing that makes all the difference is to be intentional about every season. Every season of parenting calls forth something from us. 

I no longer lose sleep or make soft food, check on school activities, and wipe tears from friendship fights. 

The one thing that makes all the difference is to be intentional about every season. Every season of parenting calls forth something from us, the author points out.

But I get to answer deep-faith questions, discuss personality profiles, toss about some basic philosophy, and host other young adults who are variedly broken and blossoming.

Even though this season of parenting young adults is a vast, new territory, I realised two things: It builds on the season prior, and the foundation remains the same.

Some have said that childhood is about giving them roots, while young adulthood is about giving them wings. 

In childhood, we help them see the garden of delights that life is, a gift to explore and enjoy. 

In young adulthood, we allow them to stand at the edge of new horizons and offer them the gifts of prayer, a listening ear that has allowed our hearts to remain connected, and a vision of life that makes the adventure worthwhile.

Both depend on the same grace of God, given to us each day, for us to get intentional about relating to our children in ways that build them up to be whole and holy. 

We can dream and work towards being their trusted confidantes and cheerleaders. The Bible’s many injunctions about interpersonal relationships apply at this stage of parenting.

For example, Ephesians 4:29-30 – “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”

The verse points out that the Holy Spirit is at work amid our speech. Our exchanges with our young adults can sanctify us and mature them in wisdom.

Grace laps gently and persistently at the shorelines of our lives and each time the waves sweep back, we are cleaner and sometimes we find wondrous deposits.

Alas, in our loud, fast and sensational world, it is easy to operate apart from grace and find ourselves in haste instead. But adult children cannot be told and cannot be rushed. Not anymore.

Yet God’s loving grace comes, every day. My biggest parenting task now is to look out for it and lean in, not expecting perfection from myself or my children.

This gift of creating, sharing, and passing on life is a great mystery and a sacred trust. We get to treasure and steward it each day, without knowing how many days are given to us.

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