By the time 64-year old Esther Soh signed up for a tour to Israel in August 2019, four other plans had fallen through in the last six months.

She was so desperate that, when she heard of a trip that her recently engaged lawyer was leading, she jumped at the chance to go.

Searching for answers

Newly-retired, the former managing director of Zouk was at an uncomfortable crossroad.

Almost two years ago, at the end of 2016, Soh retired when Zouk Singapore was sold to a new owner after 25 years of operations; she had been with the club since its opening in 1991.

The change in season scared her and well-meaning advice settled in one of two camps: “Don’t retire, you cannot do nothing, you’ll be bored!” and “Yes, retirement and rest is good for you.”

“I was torn,” Soh said. “I didn’t know which direction to turn!”

Anxiously seeking guidance, direction and meaning in her life, Soh embarked on the trip intent on finding God, hoping that her search for Him would also bring answers.

She did find God – but little did she realise how personal and close He would come.

Widowed and fatherless

The Holy Land, she had heard, was a spiritual place where people still encountered the Living God in miraculous ways.

These claims were irresistibly attractive to a deeply religious Soh, who said that, while she had spent many years in the Catholic church, attending mass regularly and following the rites, she had never considered what any of it meant for her.

Growing up in a large family steeped in Chinese religion, Soh converted to Catholicism at 22 when she married her husband, Mark.

A photo of Esther, her daughter, and late husband, Mark Soh, on display in her home where she lives alone. Mark and Esther were married for 24 years.

Together, they were actively involved in various ministries: Family care, baptismal classes and even running the makeshift book stand in their church.

Then in 2002, several weeks before their 25^th anniversary, Soh’s husband passed away suddenly.

Mark was on his weekly Saturday morning run along the canal at Sunset Way when he suffered a major stroke and collapsed. Overnight, Soh became a young widow with a 17-year-old daughter who had been extremely close to her father.

Prayerful support

With the support of her family, friends and boss, Soh found her way through the first few years as a widow. But the relationship between mother and daughter was strained and tenuous.

Simultaneously, Soh’s high involvement in ministry waned. Juggling the role of a single mother as well as managing Zouk, which was at its peak, left little time for anything else.

Soh recalled matter-of-factly: “Actually, not much time to grieve lah. He’s already gone, but how to help my girl? She cannot cope.”

One day, Soh chanced upon a public forum for widows addressing issues like loneliness and coping with parenting. It was Soh’s first encounter with Wicare, a non-profit providing support for widows and the fatherless.

Esther (centre, in grey) with some women in her prayer group at Wicare’s 20th Anniversary celebration in 2018.

As she got more involved, Soh was soon invited to join first the working committee and then the board. It was there, surrounded by a group of Christian women, that Soh felt the stirrings of a spiritual hunger once more.

In close contact with the group which she describes as “prayerful and God-fearing”, Soh was both drawn to and appalled by the faith they displayed.

“I’m a realistic nut,” she joked. As the women tried to reach out to her, Soh mused: “I was a bit fearful. Just wasn’t receptive about it.”

Explaining how their every response to any problem was a call to prayer, and to wait for God’s provision, Soh protested: “’Let’s pray. God will provide the hands.’ How can! We must also do something, right?”

Esther (second from right) with some Wicare board members after their AGM in March 2019.

But she was touched by their care.

“Wa buay hiao pray (I don’t know how to pray),” Soh said. “But they always prayed for me. And I thought, wah, it must be so rich to know God like that!”

So in 2016, Soh started her search for God, attending whichever church her friends invited her to. She did not know much about God, having never attended Bible classes. Each visit whet her appetite for more.

The hands and feet of Jesus

Then, Soh started hearing about trips that people were taking to Israel – and her curiosity was piqued.

Soh was well-travelled and often took several trips a year ­­– a frequency that has increased drastically since her retirement – but Israel as a destination had “never occurred” to her.

As she heard more about Israel from both Christians and non-believing friends, she was determined to go.

“I always hear people say, ‘I heard from God’, or ‘God gave me a sign’, but don’t have leh, I never see any sign,” Soh exclaimed.

I know God exists and I pray to Jesus but I want to find and know Him for myself, Soh said.

When Soh finally set foot on the Promised Land, she was full of anticipation.

Esther (far left) with the group she was assigned to for the Israel tour. Alice Tok (third from left) was the one who said the sinners prayer with Esther when she decided to receive Christ.

The tour guide with them was a Messianic Jew and, as he connected the dots between modern-day Israel and the Bible, Soh was constantly amazed each day.

The group eventually came to a small sanctuary in Magdala, the historical hometown of Mary Magdalene, where they stopped for a time of reflection.

It was a Christian group led by her lawyer, Pastor Sebastian Quek, who was also a lay pastor.

As they walked into the small round hall set aside for their use, a large 7-metre-long mural caught her attention.

An outstretched hand. A long, white robe that stopped above a foot in sandals, amongst many others. It was a depiction of the bleeding woman who had reached out to touch the robe of Jesus with the hope of being healed (Mark 5:25-28).

Esther kneeling at the front of the hall after the tour group was dismissed. Photo by Tan Huey Ying.

“My heart was thumping,” Soh recalled as she gazed at the feet of Jesus, not knowing the significance of the painting.

That moment, another painting she had seen on this trip came to mind: A painting of Jesus’ bloodied hand resting on a rock. Soh remembered the flood of emotions that she’d suppressed.

She felt Jesus speaking to her – something that she had always asked for – the revelation of His hands and feet as an affirmation of her search for Him. Perhaps God does know and God does care, she thought. 

A sign of silence

Soh was most excited about going to pray at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem City. Jewish tradition has it that God pays special attention to prayers made at the wall – and Soh had come prepared.

“Everything was quiet, peaceful and still,” Soh shared, a far cry from all that she had heard about the Wall.

Maybe it was because of the heavy rain several minutes before, she reasoned. But the peace was overwhelmingly assuring.

When Soh shared this with some people in her group, someone remarked that it was the peace of Jesus.  

“To me, this was the closest I could feel and touch Jesus. No excitement, no tears. Just peace.” Soh paused. “That is so unusual for me, I’m always moving, constantly!

“It wasn’t just a wall, I felt I was touching the presence of God.”

That night, Soh prayed and surrendered her life to Jesus.

Today, the spritely retiree is not any clearer on her direction in life but she knows that she has found a Companion to walk with for the rest of her life. 

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