As far as Jazlyn Chew can remember, her mother had never loved her.

She blamed Jazlyn for breaking up her marriage because the moment Jazlyn was conceived, “things started to change in my father’s attitude”.

“My father had a lot of mahjong auntie friends and my mother suspected that my dad was having an affair.

“She felt that the moment she conceived me, his attitude to her became very cold. If she didn’t have me, the family would not have changed,” Jazlyn told Salt&Light.

Her mother’s hatred for her only increased after she was born.

“She said I was a 克星 (jinx), 扫把星 (a person who brings bad luck) because things got very bad at home when I was born. There was no happiness; the family would fight.”

Jazlyn has few memories of her childhood and no photographs at all. This school photo is the only she has of herself as a child.

So Jazlyn, now 39, grew up hearing her mother repeatedly saying that she would have aborted her had her father not prevented it. The ill-treatment went beyond unkind words. Jazlyn was so severely abused that the authorities had to step in.

Nobody’s child  

Jazlyn was fostered out to different babysitters. Her mother wanted to have nothing to do with her.

On the rare occasions when she went home, she was not allowed to interact with her siblings – an older sister and an older brother. Her parents would also quarrel over her.

“I don’t have many memories of my family but the scene of my parents fighting is very clear, very fresh in my memory.”

When she was seven, her father finally brought her home to live with the family because he wanted her to enroll in the same primary school as her sister.

“Even then, we were taken to school separately. My sister followed my mum. I followed my dad. After school, my sister would go home with my mum. I would go to afterschool care.”

House of horror

Jazlyn was made to do the housework, washing her family’s clothes by hand till her skin blistered and tore.

Every time her father went to Malaysia to visit his siblings, which was often, her mother would take her frustrations out on her. 

Jazlyn recounted: “She would strip me naked and chain me to the toilet. I would sleep there in the cold.

“She would whip the back of my legs with a rubber hose or slam my head on hard objects till I once lost a tooth. She scalded my face with boiling water and even inserted chilli padi into my v*gina.

“To prevent me from shouting or crying, she would gag me with a cloth.”

All this happened when Jazlyn was only in primary school.

“I tolerated the pain because it was a grim reminder that I was still alive. In quiet moments, I would whisper to myself that surviving was my only choice.”

No escape  

To escape the abuse, Jazlyn ran away from home repeatedly, spending her nights at carparks or playgrounds. Her parents never reported her missing. But the police, seeing “a little girl roaming around the street”, would always bring her home.

“I was hoping the police would put me in prison. I dare not tell them my mum beat me.”

It was her teachers who sensed something was amiss and flagged her situation to the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF). That gave her the first glimmer of hope because she was assigned a social worker who is now her best friend.

Jazlyn (left) with the social worker who became her friend.

“She was the only one I could talk to. When I was young, I didn’t talk. I dare not talk because I felt that if I said anything, my life would be in danger. My mother would kill me.”

The abuse continued into secondary school. 

Jazlyn resorted to running away from home again. Now older, she got better at staying under the radar. She dropped out of school and went to stay with friends.  

When they found her after three months and tried to take her home, Jazlyn threatened to kill herself. She was 14. Because there was no immediate vacancy at residential homes for children in need of protection, she was sent to a girls’ home.

“I didn’t hate anyone but I hated my life. I cried a lot and thought I shouldn’t be alive on this earth.”  

Hope in a haven  

Thankfully, within a month, a place at Gracehaven opened up. Jazlyn transferred to the residential home for children and youths in need of care, protection and rehabilitation run by The Salvation Army.

That provided her another flicker of light in a life of darkness because it was at Gracehaven that she was introduced to the Christian faith.  

“Every Sunday, we went for service in Gracehaven. Every time when they prayed and sang worship songs, I felt the love of God surrounding me. That was when I found comfort.”

She also started attending cell group meetings. At first, it was to get out of doing chores. But she soon found she enjoyed the worship sessions and the warm fellowship.

“Every time I worshipped, I was enveloped in a peace I had not felt in a long time. The cell leaders would write notes to encourage us and pray for us which lifted my spirits, and made me feel seen and valued.”

A few months after she arrived at Gracehaven, Jazlyn accepted Jesus into her life at a Sunday worship service.

At Gracehaven, Jazlyn also met a houseparent who is now her godsister. Never having experienced a mother’s love or a sister’s camaraderie, the friendship of this “very dear sister” was something Jazlyn embraced wholeheartedly. This was yet another blessing from her stay at Gracehaven.

Jazlyn and the houseparent who is now her godsister.

Love like no other

But the teen who had to cower all her life in the face of abuse found she had few resources to face hardships. Resentment towards her father for not protecting her, coupled with taunts from other girls for her Christian faith, caused her to despair.

Running away had always been how she had dealt with difficulties. When she was 15, she decided to attempt the ultimate escape: she tried to take her own life by swallowing over-the-counter painkillers with detergent.

“I thought it would be a good idea to have a peaceful death.” 

Thankfully, she was found and rushed to the hospital where she was warded for a week. The brush with death was a wake-up call for Jazlyn.

“I knew I was given a second chance by God.”

She returned to Gracehaven and received counselling. She also attended weekly Bible study classes and prayer meetings in addition to Friday cell groups and Sunday worship services.

More than the programmes, it was the unwavering love and compassion of the volunteers who ran the programmes that proved to be the balm she needed for her wounded soul.

“I have never seen people so loving before. The cell leaders, how they loved us even though we were sinners – so dirty, so full of guilt, so rebellious, so unwanted – was like how Jesus loved the people,” she related.

When the cell leaders washed the feet of the girls at one meeting, Jazlyn wept. In her life, the one adult who had ever really touched her had only done so in violence.

“Why would the leaders do it? These adults put down their pride and ego, and washed the feet of children and youths.

“I felt it was the love of God. I started to pray on my own.”

Same old nightmare

When Jazlyn was 17, life dealt another blow. She was told she would age out of the system the next year. She had to prepare to return to her family.

“The thought of going back home was terrifying. My father tried to convince me by saying, ‘Maybe you are older, your mother won’t hit you anymore. Maybe she has changed for the better.’

“For the sake of my dad, I moved back.”

But Jazlyn returned to the same nightmare. The abuse resumed afresh until she was left with a bloody nose. This time, instead of running away, she ran to her old social worker for help.

She was told to make a police report and get a Personal Protection Order (PPO). Because she was not yet 21, she needed a guardian to apply for the PPO on her behalf.

No one in her extended family wanted to go out on a limb for her. Instead, a cousin offered her a place to stay.

The kindness of strangers

After a year, when she was 18, Jazlyn was told to move out. To afford rent, she worked while studying.

Despite being alone, she no longer felt abandoned.

“I had to live independently but my supplies never ran dry. There was never a day when I had no food on the table.

“Never was there a day when I had no friends or felt I had no one to turn to. Every time I needed it, God would send someone.”

Since coming out of Gracehaven, Jazlyn had been attending a church introduced to her by her social worker. A couple in the church was going abroad to work. When they heard that Jazlyn needed a place to stay, they offered her their home.

There, Jazlyn made friends with her neighbour. The woman, who has a daughter, would often bring her food. Till today, they two have kept in touch with each other.

Jazlyn (left) with the neighbour who often gave her food.

When she started working as an assistant pre-school teacher, her superior found out about her plight and sponsored her early childhood education studies.

“I told God I was desperate because I really wanted to study. I went in boldness and I asked God. Ask and you shall receive (Matthew 7:7).”

The financial burden lifted, Jazlyn had the time to be more involved in church. She taught Bible study to youths and got involved in evangelism.

When she started working in the student care industry at 23, her first boss and her developed such a deep and lasting bond that, today, the woman is Jazlyn’s godmother.

Jazlyn (right) and her former employer who is now her godmother. The two often travel together.

“She loves me like her own daughter. A couple of times I became so ill from stomach ulcers and once from anal abscess that I was admitted to hospital. She was the one who took care of me.”

Purpose in the pain

The child who used to live in fear has learnt to step out in boldness. Jazlyn now shares her testimony without shame, believing that “God has a purpose for me to go through what I went through to bring hope” to others.

She told Salt&Light: “God has always given me the assurance to do things in boldness. My favourite verse is Joshua 1:9. It is the one I have on my bedroom door. That verse has kept me going. It is like a friend talking to me.”

She may not have experienced a mother’s love, but God has brought many people into her life to love her.

Jazlyn (in red, centre) may not have a biological family who loves her but, in God’s family, she has found love and acceptance. She is seen here with church friends.

Each birthday, she would receive cake after cake, delivery after delivery. When she came down with COVID and was quarantined for 10 days, flowers, fruits, meals and beverages were sent to her throughout the entire period. People also texted her words of encouragement.

“How can you tell me it is not from God? God uses people to tell you He remembers you.

“One of my favourite songs is the song I learnt at Gracehaven: ‘In Moments Like These’.

“In moments like these, I look back at my life and tell myself how much God loves me.”

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