As a husband, you might feel that you are already doing a lot at home. But what if your wife thinks otherwise?

This was just one of the marital differences that surfaced from a study of close to 300 individuals that have used Focus on the Family (FOTF) Singapore‘s new Connect2 Marriage Assessment tool.

Presenting the preliminary results from its pilot run, FOTF Singapore’s Research Strategist, Benedict Ng, explained at State of the Family 2025 why the tool was introduced.

“In life, we are often reminded to do routine car checks and health checks, but how often are we reminded to do routine checks on our marriage?” he asked.

First developed by Focus on the Family in the US, the tool is based on research into 10 traits of a healthy marriage by veteran counsellors Dr Greg and Erin Smalley.

After reviewing the original version and adapting it for the local context, FOTF Singapore officially launched it in September 2024.

Armed with the information on how couples in their communities are doing, churches can then develop strategies to better support marriages, said Benedict. All event photos courtesy of Focus on the Family Singapore.

“Participants reflect on their marriages individually, but Focus on the Family also consolidates the results for organisations and makes sense of it for church leadership teams, so that church leaders can have a better sense of how your married community is doing,” he shared.

For the pilot, there were 282 respondents across three participating churches, with 45% who were husbands and 55% who were wives. Most were parents.

Here are 10 things that we learnt. 

1. Most were satisfied with their marriage

Married adults were asked to score themselves on four statements relating to their marriage. A Couple Satisfaction Index was then created as a validated measure of marital relationship satisfaction.

With 0 being the lowest and 21 being the highest, research suggests that scores of 13.5 and below face an increased risk of marital distress. 

The study found that the majority of married individuals were at a lower risk of marital distress, with 60% scoring 14 and above.

However, it must also be pointed out that the overall score was 14.3, which is less than ideal. 

2. Wives were less satisfied with their marriage

More wives (48%) than husbands (30%) scored 13 and below, indicating that their marriages may not be doing so well.

The average score of husbands (15.3) was also higher than that of the wives (13.5).  

“This was actually very similar to some of the surveys we have done within the Church and the community, and also corresponds to some of the local research we found that was done back in 2021,” noted Benedict.

FOTF Singapore also shared that this is could be because the mental load of running a household still tends to fall more on a woman’s shoulders, while women’s emotional needs may not be expressed and met by their spouse.

“This is a reminder for husbands to intentionally check in with our wives,” encouraged Benedict.

3. Growing dissatisfaction in later years of marriage

There was an increasing proportion of respondents who scored 13 and below that corresponded to the length of marriage.

This could be due to unresolved issues over the years that these couples have allowed to fester, said Benedict.

But there is hope, he added.

Looking at those who have been married for 16 years and more, for every person in the lowest scoring band (0-9), there was one person in the highest-scoring band (18-21).

“What is their secret to a thriving marriage after so many years?” wondered Benedict.

“What could they have learnt, or what tools could they have gained from going through the early years of parenthood together and working through the tough seasons of marriage?”

4. Only a minority thought of divorce recently

Respondents were also asked whether they had considered divorcing their spouse in the past few years.

The good news is that most have not. However, there is a small but significant group that thought about it more than the rest.

Unsurprisingly, more wives admitted that they struggled with this.

1 in 5 wives have thought of divorce “sometimes”, “frequently” or “most of the time”. This is higher compared to 6% of husbands. 

Commenting that these findings on divorce are consistent with what FOTF Singapore has seen before, Benedict said: “These numbers are actually very similar to what we gathered from our Whole Life Inventory, which we ran in the churches mainly from 2016 to 2020.”

5. Marriages lasting 6-10 years and 16-20 years at higher risk

Comparing the results by length of marriage, there is a stable proportion (70-76%) across the board who say that they have never considered divorce.

But for those who have more regularly considered divorce, the biggest jumps are in the 6-10 year range and 16-20 year range of marriage.

“For couples who are doing well, how can we mobilise them to support the marrieds around them?” asked Benedict.

For instance, they could be equipped to look out for those who may be at risk and to reach out to these couples.

“And for couples who are struggling, how can we normalise talking about marital struggles within their closest circle, within their community of marrieds, so that we can build a culture of vulnerability and growth?”

6. Maintaining lifelong commitment, being community minded and nourishing their spouse were common areas of strength

The study also singled out these top three common areas of strength for husbands and wives.

An overwhelming number of husbands (95.2%) and wives (91%) said they believe that marriage is meant to be a permanent covenant.

The majority of husbands (74.6%) and wives (67.3%) said that they are open to being involved in the community, i.e. to receive support and to support others.

Most husbands (72.2%) and wives (65.4%) also said they intentionally put their spouse’s needs above their own. 

According to FOTF Singapore, the results signal a relatively healthy adherence to the biblical principle that marriage is for life, while also pointing to the importance of the Christian community in supporting the vitality of a marriage.

“It’s encouraging that maintaining lifelong commitment came out as the top trait, especially when we consider the statistic earlier – that there were those who regularly considered divorcing their spouse,” affirmed Benedict.

“Their belief about marriage being a lifelong commitment could be one thing that helps them to keep fighting for their marriage.”

7. Conflict management and physical intimacy were common areas of weakness

Identified as the common lowest traits for husbands and wives, these were the areas that needed most growth. 

These traits were only strengths in about a third of respondents.

Healthy Conflict Management: Husbands (38.1%), Wives (28.2%)

Growing in Physical Intimacy: Husbands (36.5%), Wives (39.1%)

This suggests that couples need some help in the areas of navigating conflicts and deepening physical intimacy.

Benedict said: “Research shows that a healthy sex life is correlated with a more satisfying marital relationship.

“But when there are difficulties or differences in this area, it can also be a very tough topic to broach.

“Couples may choose not to even talk about each other, much less with others because it’s such a private and personal issue.”

Perhaps the challenge then, he observed, is to shift the culture in our community – to help married individuals acknowledge these issues, dare to have tough conversations and work together to find common ground.

8. Husbands and wives differed on shared responsibility, conflict management and spiritual intimacy

The trait where husbands and wives had the biggest difference in percentages (16.1%) was managing shared responsibility.

This refers to how responsibilities such as caregiving and chores are split at home.  

More husbands than wives had this as an area of strength.

Managing Shared Responsibility: Husbands (66.7%), Wives (50.6%) 

“As a husband, I could think I’m already doing my fair share of housework at home. But for my wife, she could think actually I’m only doing 10%, and then that’s how the argument would start,” elaborated Benedict.

The differences in percentages between husbands and wives for the next two traits were actually quite similar – at about 10%.

Healthy Conflict Management: Husbands (38.1%), Wives (28.2%)  
Shared Spiritual Intimacy: Husbands (67.5%), Wives (57.7%) 

The findings suggest that husbands and wives may not see eye to eye on how they can resolve conflict healthily, said Benedict.

They may also feel that they are at different places spiritually (e.g. no habit of talking about spiritual things, praying or doing quiet time together).

“How can we help our couples bridge these gaps where they may have differing views?” he questioned.

9. Mentored couples had higher marital satisfaction

Interestingly, when the results for the 282 respondents from the three participating churches were compared against the results of 90 respondents who had undergone marriage mentoring, the former’s overall score on the Couple Satisfaction Index was 14.3 versus the latter’s 16.3.

Unlike the earlier finding where more wives than husbands were feeling less satisfied with their marriages, this was also not the case for those who were mentored.

The wives’ score was 16.6 compared to the husbands’ score of 16.1. This means that the husbands were less satisfied than the wives.

However, it is also important to note that this is a small sample size (90 respondents) and these individuals have gone through marriage mentoring and/or are marriage mentors.

The findings on mentored marriages were shared by Tan Nam Seng (far right) at the breakout session on Reconnecting Marriages.

“This is exactly what we have experienced through the years of working with marriages,” said Tan Nam Seng, who together with his wife founded Bridging Hearts to help couples.

More than 2,000 relationships (pre-married or married) have been mentored by the marriage mentors who were trained through their non-profit organisation.

Making a guess why wives in marriages that have been mentored are more satisfied, he surmised that this could be because “they have husbands who know how to love their wives – in the way their wives should be loved or in the way that their wives feel loved”.

Touching briefly on the 10 traits of a healthy marriage, Nam Seng also underscored that those who were mentored had higher scores in all areas of strength.

10. Couples ought to work on communication and conflict skills

Reflecting on the preliminary findings, FOTF Singapore emphasised on the need for couples to acquire and hone these essential skills.

“We should set aside intentional time to learn how to grow our capacity to empathise with our spouse, support them in their stresses and challenges, and to listen well.”  

Learning how to communicate our needs and preferences especially when it comes to sex and intimacy is also key, shared FOTF Singapore.

“Neglecting our spouse’s needs and feelings are likely to cause resentment and unhappiness over the long term.”  

During his presentation, Benedict also highlighted two traits that have significant influence on whether couples will be at risk of marital distress.

“Nourishing your spouse is about intentionality,” he clarified, which requires putting love into action, service and words.

To do that, understanding our spouse’s love language is important because how husbands and wives prefer to show love and receive love may also differ. 

As for healthy conflict management, “conflicts are bound to happen in any marriage, even when we think it won’t”, said Benedict.

Perhaps couples could learn how to reframe conflict and to fight on the same team against the issue instead of one another, he suggested.

All of this is “really hard work”, acknowledged Benedict. “But these are very learnable skills.”

“Imagine how much stronger our families can be if all our married couples learn and apply these well in different seasons of marriage and parenthood?

“And when parents model this well for their children, their children will also want this with their future spouse and for their future families.

“All of these will lead to closer, healthier and more resilient families for generations to come.”

Want to learn more about the Connect2 Marriage Assessment tool? Email [email protected] to find out more. The tool allows couples to strengthen their marriage through personalised insights and conversation starters.

Participating organisations will also receive insights into the state of marriages in their community, enabling them to better support marriages. 

Do also look out for our final story from State of the Family 2025, which will focus on where couples can get help for their marriage.

RELATED STORIES:

How can we redeem family to transform communities and culture?: State of the Family 2025

What does it mean to be a missional family? Pastors and parents share at State of the Family 2025

“To have a happy marriage, learn how to manage conflict” : Psychologist-pastor Tan Siang Yang

“It’s hard work, but it gets more fun”: Couples with nearly 75 years of wedded bliss between them share their secrets