Singaporeans were saddened by the news of 15-year-old Jethro Puah, who tragically passed away on February 4 during a school activity.

Jethro’s death has left many teens, especially those who knew him, shocked and shaken. 

How do parents help their children cope with the loss of a friend and a peer?

Salt&Light asked counsellor Abigail Lee for advice. Here are her tips:

1. Be present for your teen

• It might be difficult to know what to say or what to do. However, by being present with your teen – either asking them how they are handling the news, seeking to understand how they are feeling and thinking, sitting with them in silence, or crying with them, extends love and support to your teen and can speak volumes to how much you care.
• Being patient and allowing your teen to grieve in his or her own way is necessary, particularly if the classmate who passed on is a close friend of theirs. Avoid hurrying them along in the grief process.

2. Encourage connection with others

• For some teens, encouraging them to connect with their friends who have also lost their classmate gives them the space and time to collectively express their pain and may be a way for them to cope as well. Groups like these can also help your teen open up and express feelings that may otherwise remain unspoken.

• Sharing and remembering stories and moments about the friend who has passed on can facilitate in keeping the memories and legacy of the classmate alive in your teen. These can be shared verbally or expressed via different mediums such as through photographs, art and music.

3. Ensure self-care

• Sleep and proper diet can often be overlooked during times of difficulty and grief. When there is a lack of sleep or proper diet, it can affect the mood and energy level of your teen, increasing the intensity of emotional distress that could already be present.

4. Help your teen process emotions

• Your teen could have varying thoughts ranging from the happy times spent with the friend to worries about how life would be like now that the friend is no longer around. There could also be thoughts about one’s mortality and questioning the meaning of life, and about the after-life.

• Feelings they have could range from shock and denial, to anger, sadness, guilt, loneliness, depression, anxiety, confusion, fear and panic.

• Have an honest and open discussion about how the friend passed on, how they heard about the death. Acknowledging the mixed thoughts and feelings the teen could be having without telling them to “get over it” can be a normalising experience for your teen.

5. Remind them of the hope we have in Christ

• For a Christian parent, in the midst of allowing your teen to grief, the reminder of the hope we have in Christ, looking forward to the day of reunion, can be assuring.

Verses that may comfort include:

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.(Psalm 147:3) 

After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words. (1 Thessalonians 4:17-18)

6. Look out for unhealthy coping behaviours

• There could be different emotions that could come in waves unexpectedly and many teenagers may not know how to verbalise or express what they are feeling.

These could show itself behaviourally through anger outbursts, sudden sadness or other types of behaviours. Even though it is generally normal for a teen to experience a wide range of emotions, keep a lookout for unhealthy coping behaviours that may include isolation or withdrawal for extended period of time, overeating or not eating at all, being overly busy, abusing substances, and risky behaviours. Have them speak with a professional who would be able to help them gain awareness and walk them through this journey

7. For kindergarten or primary school children who may have lost a classmate

• Use age appropriate language when speaking about death to a child.
• Avoid using metaphors such as “this person has gone to sleep”.

RELATED STORY:

https://thir.st/blog/on-jethro-we-have-no-answers-only-hope/