I was just 11 months old when my father abandoned me. He packed his things and walked out of my life, leaving my mother and me to fend for ourselves. 

As my mother had to work to support the both of us, I spent most of my childhood with my grandmother. My uncles and aunties also took turns to take care of me.

Even though my uncles were present, they had their own lives and commitments. I was often left alone and struggled with having no father figure to look up to. 

I envied other people’s family gatherings where they had their dads and mums together and the warmth of a complete family. As a child, I was forced to accept that this was not something that would happen to me.

Lingering questions

I grew up with many unanswered questions about my father at the back of my mind: Who is he? What is he like? Why did he leave?

I wanted to find closure to this painful chapter of my life. As a Christian, I also desired to release all my feelings of anger and hatred from my past to God. However, out of respect for my mother, I did not reach out to him until she passed away in 2009. 

After his father left the family, Shi Yuan was raised by his mother (standing), grandmother (left) and other relatives, including his aunty (right).

I managed to get in contact with my father through an uncle and we arranged to meet at a café. As the day of our meeting inched closer, I was filled with anxiety. My greatest fear was that he would reject me and refuse to acknowledge me as his son.

I thought it would be overwhelming to meet the man who had abandoned me and caused me so much hurt, but when I saw him for the first time, my feelings were neutral. He was just another person.

We chatted about how he was doing and how I was doing, but neither of us brought up the past. Nevertheless, I was relieved that he acknowledged our relationship by agreeing to meet with me.

Abandoned again

After that meeting, I would call him occasionally to ask how he was doing. 

About a year later, however, as I was getting ready to serve in church, he called me and told me not to contact him anymore. He said I should live my own life and take it as if he did not exist. While he did not give me any reason, I made a guess that his family was unhappy that he had reconnected with me.

I was extremely hurt. First, he had abandoned me as a child. And now, after we had reconnected, he decided to “abandon” me again.

In church that evening, I poured out my heart to God and my tears flowed unceasingly. I had so many questions: Why did he have to do this to me? Why does everyone have an earthly father except me? Is there something wrong with me?

In the midst of my deep sadness, I heard God say to me: “I died for your father at the cross and my blood was shed for him too.”

I took it to mean that God wanted me to share Christ with my father so that he could receive salvation. It was such a difficult thing to do, but I knew that these were God’s words to me and I had to obey Him.

Finding my heavenly Father

For a long time, I was very hurt and bitter. Whenever I saw an elderly man with his grown up son, I would feel the hurt. Sometimes I would just break down in a corner and cry. No one would know, not even my wife.

Gradually, however, I learnt to release my sadness and hurts to God. It was a daily struggle and I had to make a conscious effort every day to surrender my emotions to God through prayer. I told Him: “God, I am your child. I need you to heal me and restore me.”

It was a long process, but I noticed how God slowly removed these feelings from me and redeemed the brokenness that was a result of my father’s leaving.

Shi Yuan with his wife and two sons.

For example, as I never had a father to look up to, I struggled to be a father to my own two sons. For many years I did not even dare to do simple things like take my son out to the grocery store alone, but God gave me the peace and courage to finally do so.

As I also saw how God provided for my family supernaturally, I was assured that though our earthly fathers may fail us, our heavenly Father will never fail us.

Though I did not feel particularly fond of my father, I knew that this was the man who had brought me into this world after all. The commandment to honour your father and mother kept coming back to me and I knew that I had to obey God’s word.

Remembering that God wanted me to share Christ with my father so he could be saved, I began praying for opportunities to do so. Last year, the chance finally came.

An unbelievable choice

Some time in September, I received a WhatsApp message from my aunty informing me that my father had been battling Stage 4 lung cancer and was currently in a hospice.

At that point I was going through a difficult period at work and in my personal life. Visiting my father was the last thing on my mind, but I remembered once again what God had said to me: “I died for your father at the cross and my blood was shed for him too.”

So, surrendering all my struggles to God, I decided to visit my father with my good friend and spiritual mentor, Raymond.

When I saw my father in the hospice, he was very downcast. He said that he was just waiting to die.

Up until his final days, he still did not want to see me and did not make eye contact with me. Believing that my father might be less receptive to the Gospel if I were present, I excused myself and left Raymond to share Christ with him alone.

Later, Raymond told me that my father had said the Sinner’s Prayer and agreed to receive Christ! I was surprised and overjoyed. It was truly unbelievable.

When I went up to see my father again, he was resting with his eyes closed. I knew that it was the last time I would see him.

He passed away peacefully that December and I believe that he is in heaven now.

Loving your worst enemy

From a worldly perspective, I may seem foolish to want to share Christ with the man who had abandoned me and hurt me so deeply.

But throughout my struggle, I held on to Matthew 18:21-22:

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

No matter how bad a person is, even if he’s your worst enemy, God died for him. We can be indescribably hurt by them, but God’s desire is for all to come to Him and for none to perish (2 Peter 3:9).

As we obey the Great Commission, God will always be there for us. What I did had nothing to do with my own glory. It was all God’s glory. I experienced how God changed my heart. He is able to heal all the deep hurts that man has created.

It was God who had helped me to say: “Yes, my father has done the most hurtful thing, but if he becomes Your child, God, that’s good enough.”

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