It was a wonderful time in Ruth Kee’s life. Her O-level examinations were over and it was Christmas, her favourite holiday.

She had made good on her promise to God to go to church by accepting a friend’s invitation to a Christmas Day service. Now she was on her way home from buying a Christmas present for her older sister.

Ruth was on her way home from Christmas shopping when she was molested on a bus. Photo from Depositphotos.com.

Seated on the top deck of a double-decker bus, Ruth was vaguely aware that most of the other passengers had alighted, leaving her alone.

Or so she thought.

“What happened next was what I did not expect at all on a beautiful Christmas morning. Before reaching the third last stop to the bus terminal, as I leaned towards the window, I felt something touching my boob area.

“As I looked down, I was shocked to find a hand in between the space touching my left breast. Frozen, I could not react or move. Should I scream? Should I run down and inform the bus driver to drive me to the bus terminal where there was a Neighborhood Police Post nearby?”

Before she could do anything, the man alighted from the bus, leaving Ruth confused and traumatised.

“Was I just molested? Did something bad just happen to me? I could not react. I could not believe what just happened to me.”

Life after being molested

Ruth went home and told her sister about her ordeal.

“My elder sister didn’t say anything and neither of us mentioned anything to my parents.”

That silence would haunt Ruth for a long time.

“Every time the memory came back, I felt tears coming down. I could not believe how stupid I was.

“Why didn’t I scream? Why didn’t I tell the bus driver? Why didn’t I stop the man? Why did I lean further on the window? Why didn’t I report to the police? The thoughts were running wildly through my head.

“In moments of sadness and doubt, I would also ask God, ‘Why did You let this happen to me?’”

For some time, Ruth became hyper-vigilant. She was extra mindful on buses, paranoid about strangers coming near her and afraid to be alone.

Now 43 and a social worker at a family service centre, she has not only found healing but has also acquired the resources to help others. She shares with Salt&Light how to recognise sexual assault and how to help victims.

1. If you think it is, it is

When she was molested at 16, Ruth knew she was not comfortable with the unwanted touch. What she was not sure was if her discomfort was warranted. That second guessing was damaging.

“There are two things: Which part of the body is touched and the level of your discomfort.

“Any part covered by our swimsuits are the parts that we cannot let people touch. If you are uncomfortable, if there is a possibility of intent to molest, then it is (molest). Anything that causes us discomfort or that we know is wrong, is wrong.”

Ruth also believes in educating children on the difference between good touch and bad touch, and teaching them what to do if they find themselves in vulnerable situations.

“Think it through beforehand so they will know the drill.”

2. Move away

If you are uncomfortable, if a stranger encroaches on your personal space, move away.

Many doubt themselves and their judgement, afraid of offending or appearing paranoid, which is why Tip 1 is so important.

3. Report the incident

“Tell the bus driver, the MRT station master or a safe adult,” Ruth told her children.

“Even if the outcome is that the person is not arrested, knowing that he is being watched may be enough to signal to him to stop. Getting help for yourself tells the person a message.”

4. Help potential victims

If you see someone who might be in danger, ask them if they need help and get them to move away, said Ruth.

“I also make sure I am not alone or in any danger myself. And I may help to approach a station master or bus driver to get help from the person.”

5. No trauma too small

Those who come to know of Ruth’s experience may consider it a “small” matter that is not as egregious as rape, for example. But she points out: “There is no magnitude of how big a trauma is to be impactful.”

She has advised both survivors and those to whom survivors have confided to not minimise the impact.

“Jesus never once asked me to stop the tears. He did not stop me from asking multiple questions. He is patient, He is kind and, above all, He loves and He cares.

“Although I still could not understand why it happened and why it happened to me, I found comfort in that I felt Jesus knew the pain that was in my heart, the memory that could not be erased. Jesus was also crying next to me.”

6. Avoid blame

“There was a lot of self-blaming: I shouldn’t have been there, I shouldn’t have done this, I should have called for help,” Ruth shared.

Through her training, she found the healing words she could tell herself:

• It is not my fault.
• I didn’t do anything to deserve this.
• I was too shocked to react.
• Freezing is one of the defence responses to trauma.
• Nobody is prepared for trauma.
• I didn’t give consent to be touched inappropriately.
• I didn’t deserve this.
• I wasn’t inappropriately dressed. 

7. Listen and get help if you are the confidant

“When my sister didn’t get help for me, I felt betrayed. But she didn’t know how much it impacted me, how serious it was and she wasn’t trained to handle such a disclosure,” said Ruth.

Always offer a listening ear, get the person professional help and do not keep the information to yourself.

“Let the person know you are there to accept anything they say. Respond instead of reacting. Responding is to acknowledge the pain, the anger that something bad has happened. Responding is giving the person choice and empowerment, ‘What would you like me to do to help you?’

“Reacting is letting your emotions run, shouting, screaming. Don’t react so that the person doesn’t have to manage your emotions, too.”

8. Give it time

For a long time, people would advise Ruth to “forgive and forget”.

“We tell people to move on, but it is not always possible. Healing takes time.

“Some people need time to make sense of their feelings. I think about the amount of time I took and it has helped me to pace with others or help others pace with their loved ones.”

Through her training, Ruth learnt not to “jump into the narrative of the traumatic incident straight away”. Instead, identify the thoughts and feelings associated with the incident first.

“We might think the person is angry when they are fearful. Through this, I learnt what I was feeling, what I was thinking.”

9. Accept God’s comfort

“I used to blame God, ‘You should have stopped it.’ Now I realise that He was crying beside me. He knows what happened to us.”

That realisation came with the understanding that the Holy Spirit – parakletos (the “comforter” or “helper” in Greek) – is ever present.

“Even though I had zero evidence, no CCTV footage, no eyewitnesses, no police report, I know God will vindicate me. I know God is my answer and I can declare, ‘He is my Abba Father, He is my God and my Healer.’”  

10. Forgive

What helped Ruth forgive was the knowledge that “sin is present in the world and every man has a choice to do the right thing or not to do it, and that is why Jesus really needed to take our sins to the cross”.

“That was the part that helped me to live again. My body might die but in the end my spirit will live. That is more important. Throughout this, it strengthened my faith in experiencing pain.”

11. Use the pain

“Having gone through this helps me to understand and know how it would be and how I can help others, especially educating family members or friends on how to say things that would not make the person feel worse,” said Ruth, who has been a social worker for 20 years.

“Now I can be His voice, His advocate and I hope my story can encourage both clients and professionals who have been sexually abused or molested to find the courage and strength to find the Healer and find the healing.

“We can be great therapists – not despite our struggles but because of our struggles.”

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