On Tuesday (August 15), a father was sentenced to 14 years’ jail for killing his twin 11-year old sons with autism spectrum disorder and global developmental delay.

News reports on the court proceedings revealed the immense stress and worry Xavier Yap Jung Houn had for his sons, which he said led him to carry out the killings at a canal near Greenridge Crescent Playground on January 21 last year.

Yap, who was found to have major depressive disorder at the time of the offences, had also planned to take his own life after killing his sons, but was unsuccessful.

He said that he felt his wife had given up on their sons as she was unable to accept their special needs diagnoses, and that killing them would take away her burdens.

He also feared that his sons would be bullied by others, and worried that no one would care for them after he and his wife are gone.

In a letter written by the 50-year-old, which was read out in court by his lawyer, Yap said that he was not aware that he had developed depression as a result of his worries over his sons.

He added that these worries were aggravated by his wife’s “unreasonable behaviour” towards his children, as well as her alleged infidelity which he had suspected since late 2021.

“Overwhelmed by sadness and hopelessness, I had totally lost faith that my two sons would be taken care of in the future, especially when I’m gone,” he wrote, adding that he thought taking the lives of his two sons along with him “would end their unfair suffering”.

A dying of dreams

Parents of children with special needs and pastors of special needs ministries whom Salt&Light reached out to said that they were heartbroken to read about the details of the tragedy.

“For a parent to do this, he must be in deep despair and in an abyss of helplessness,” said Koh Soek Ying, 57, whose 27-year-old son has autism. “He must be going through a lot of anguish, too. My thoughts and prayers are with the family. I cannot imagine how they are and will be coping.” 

Bernard Chew, CEO of St Andrew’s Autism Centre and a father of a teenage son with autism, added that while violence should never be condoned, he hopes that this tragedy will bring to the public’s attention some of the real challenges of parenting a child with autism.

“The many caregiving challenges – many unseen by even family and friends – can lead to a significant buildup in levels of stress and even mental health challenges for caregivers.

“If left unattended, this can lead to serious and sometimes tragic consequences, as we have witnessed in this case.”

On top of the daily challenges and exhaustion of caring for their children, parents have to grapple with their own sense of loss and grief before they come to a place of acceptance, which can be a long journey.

Bernard said: “Parents have to live with the knowledge that some of their dreams for their own children will necessarily have to ‘die’ because of their children’s condition.”

“Falling off the cliff” after 18

Even as parents let go of their aspirations for their child, parents have to contend with the uncertainty of their child’s future.

“While neurotypical children have clear, chartered runway – nursery, primary school, secondary school, junior college – many of us parents of special children do not have a clear horizon for our children,” said Soek Ying, who also co-founded social enterprise Mustard Tree, which employs persons with special needs.

“The question of ‘what’s next’ often hangs like a dark cloud over our heads,” she said soberly. 

Even for those with higher support needs, school stops when they are 18.

“That’s where they, and us as caregivers, suffer the ‘falling off the cliff effect’. The post-18 horizon is murky. Support is limited and pretty fragmented.”

Employment opportunities are also “few and far between”, she pointed out, especially for those who exhibit more challenging behaviours.

“So, the next best alternative is to stay at home. But this means the burden of care is 24/7 by the caregivers. This presents another set of challenges: Social isolation, mental health issues, lack of purposeful and meaningful engagement.”

For parents, there is also the big question: What will happen to my child after I pass on?

Churches need to proactively reach out

Perhaps one of the greatest factors contributing to hopelessness comes from the extreme isolation parents feel.

“They are on their own and face the narrative of ‘your child, your problem’,” said Ps Aw Yew Lin, who heads the special needs ministry at Faith Community Baptist Church.

“One parent told me, ‘Every day I pray and hope I don’t fall sick. If I fall sick who will take care of my son?'”

Pastors and ministry workers Salt&Light spoke to urge churches and fellow believers to be willing to extend real help to families with special needs children. 

“Churches can explore the possibility of running programmes for families with special needs children,” said Ps Aw. “They need more avenues to participate in social activities that would be a helpful outlet.”

“We need to proactively reach out instead of waiting for the families to knock on our doors,” agreed Leow Wen Pin, founder of Koinonia Inclusion Network (KIN), whose mission is to help churches establish ministries for those with special needs.

“One way churches can do this is to set up disability ministries, through which churches can engage with families with special needs.

“The presence of the ministry creates opportunities to care for these families, even provide respite care for two hours,” he said.

“When I say that churches need to give hope to families, it’s hope that goes beyond that eschatological hope – it’s hope that your child is loved by the larger community, even hope that your child can hit milestones in their life.

“When one family sees what another family is going through, they can get hope from the situation and feel that their kid can also hit certain milestones.”

Ps Jeff Aw, Pastor for the Special Needs in Bethesda (Bedok-Tampines) Church, suggested practical ways cell groups and churches can love and care for these families.

“We can look out for the parents and caregivers of children with special needs, befriending them and helping them to feel safe,” he said.

“Include them in your activities and give the children a space to join in without making them feel like a burden. Welcome them like family.

“In essence, learn to include them as Christ would, not isolate them.”

Where to get help

Call 999 if there is a risk of injury, immediate threat to life or bodily harm (relatives and friends can call as well).

Helplines for those in distress: 

Samaritans of Singapore (24-hours): 1767

Institute of Mental Health (24-hours): 6389 2222 

Singapore Association for Mental Health (Mon to Fri 9am – 1pm, 2pm – 6pm): 1800 283 7019

For a list of agencies offering support for caregivers, click here.

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