When girls bully, they leave few or no marks. There will be no bruises, no scars after, no physical evidence. But the damage can be just as devastating as a punch and the hurt can linger far longer.

When Megan (not her real name) became the target of intimidation by a girl who used to call herself a friend, Megan’s mother Marilyn (not her real name) saw firsthand the harm bullying can inflict.

The two little girls had gotten to know each other in primary school. Marilyn was a volunteer at Megan’s school, and was familiar with the other girl, Carrie (not her real name).

“Carrie knew me. We know her family. She would reach out to me and tell me about her family, and she would always ask me to take her out,” Marilyn told Salt&Light.

When the girls hit upper primary, a shadow fell over the situation. Carrie, once a friend, turned on Megan.

“She became mean and started spreading rumours about my daughter. But Megan was not the main target.

“The class was divided into a handful of victims and the rest who were in Carrie’s group.”

For two years, Megan endured snide remarks and ridicule. Marilyn did what she could to help. She alerted the teachers and educated her child.

“I told her, ‘Surround yourself with like-minded friends. Only insecure people feel the need to bully others.’

“Megan and I would prayed for her to have Christian friends.

“We also prayed for Carrie, although that was very tough. My daughter would ask, ‘Why should we pray for her?’ I told her I also felt like retaliating, but that would only create more problems.

“I taught my daughter to trust in God instead.”

When it came time for secondary school, Marilyn thought the ordeal would come to a natural end as the children progressed to different schools.

“But before the start of secondary school, we bumped into Carrie at the new school.”

From snide remarks to false rumours

Marilyn’s first thought was: “God, what a joke! Why?”

Still: “We prayed, ‘You have a purpose for putting her in this school.’”

But the bullying began in earnest from the start of school. This time, it moved to the public arena.

“Carrie doxed Megan on social media. (She posted) Megan’s name, photos and all her details. And she spread rumours about Megan.”

Megan was the first to discover this. A friend from her former primary school alerted her to the cyberbullying. The next day, Megan confided in her mother.

“Her reaction was one of fear because we had always told her to be cautious about posting personal stuff on social media because people can easily misconstrue things.

“She was like, ‘What if people recognise me? What if someone comes and kidnaps me?’”

By Monday when Megan returned to school, it seemed as if everyone had seen the malicious things about her that had been posted online. This time, Megan was forced to face the bullying alone – all the friends in primary school who had been her support were now in other schools.

“It was Orientation Week. When she went to school, she was targeted at from all levels, even by those in Secondary 4. In school, at the canteen, people were pointing at her or talking behind her back,” Marilyn related to Salt&Light.

Carrie even made known her intention to attack Megan physically, even going so far as to announce a specific date.

“Mama Bear” was ready to pounce

When Marilyn informed the school of this vicious attack, she was told that she could make a police report. But she held back for Carrie’s sake.

“I fought my innate desire for revenge,” she said. “My child was a target for no reason. I wanted to unleash my inner Mama Bear and protect her.”

But she reasoned that if they went the legal route, Carrie would be punished but not helped. Instead, Marilyn prayed.

“I told Him, ‘You are God. Please show me that You are far bigger and have more influence and control. Instead of trusting in my own ability and exercising my carnal need to exert, You take over.’”

The verse Marilyn held on to was Psalm 46:10. Today, the verse hangs in her living room as a reminder to never let her emotions get the better of her. She also got a group of Christian mother friends to pray for her and the situation.

To help Megan, Marilyn shared with her some of the challenges Carrie her was facing at home. When the girls were still friends, Carrie had confided in Marilyn about her family problems. Marilyn had kept it from Megan until now, believing that her daughter was too young to manage such information when she was in primary school.   

“When I told Megan, she was empathetic. She said, ‘Oh, no wonder.’ Certain things that Carrie had said to her, the way she had acted towards her all fell into place.

It took Marilyn by surprise. “It (her reaction) blew my mind. I was shocked by my daughter’s maturity.”

But something still had to be done. Marilyn reached out to the year head of the school so that safety measures could be put in place for Megan.

All the teachers who taught the girls were told to be on the lookout and to nip in the bud any bullying in class. Megan’s form teacher discovered that there were informal WhatsApp chat groups the students had created through which negative remarks were being shared. The teacher made the students delete the chat groups and forbade them from creating new ones.

The school also rallied around Carrie, providing her counselling and psychological and emotional support which she clearly needed.

In the end, Carrie’s threat of violence was never carried out and the bullying ceased.

The larger purpose

At the end of last year, when the girls had completed Secondary 1, Megan and Carrie reconciled.

“Carrie texted Megan and Megan wanted to explain herself. Carrie told her she was angry with her because she thought Megan had started rumours about her. She listed down the rumours.

“Megan said she hadn’t and she set the record straight. She even encouraged Carrie. I think it melted Carrie’s heart. It mended ties. Carrie even apologised.”

When Marilyn told Megan about this Salt&Light interview and asked what she had learnt through the painful episode, her daughter said, “It still hurts but I know God is by my side. God is there for me no matter what.”

Megan had seen God’s hand in how He brought new friends to her. A girl from their church is now in the same class as her.

It has been a year since the cyberbullying. Marilyn now sees the purpose God had for allowing the two girls to be in the same school. She witnessed her daughter’s mental resilience and how she had gleaned “invaluable lessons” from the episode.

“Megan learnt to be mindful with her tongue, knowing how it can be used to hurt or to encourage because of her own experience with meanness in teenage girls.

“She also learnt about friendship management, (being able to tell) who are her sincere friends who didn’t believe in the rumours about her.”

Marilyn believes “God used us to help Carrie get the support she needed”. When Marilyn was a parent volunteer at the primary school, Carrie had often confided in her about her struggles. Once, Carrie even cried.

“As an adult, I felt heart pain for her, but I was not in the position to help her. From that time, I would pray for her. She finally got the help that she needed.”

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