It has been close to six years since an incident drove a deep wedge between me and my husband. 

I have finally found the courage to share my experience, in the hope that others can also be set free to find freedom in Christ.

I was several months pregnant with my youngest child in early 2019 when I found out my husband had been hiding something for nearly a decade of marriage.

It began with six innocuous words, as I requested to make a search on the Internet. 

“Hey, can I borrow your phone?” I asked.

After opening it, I saw a video from a pornographic website with a crude descriptor, frozen at where its viewer had stopped watching. 

“What’s this?” I asked?

“I don’t know,” he said.

“I’d rather you be honest with me,” I said calmly.

“I really don’t know!” he insisted.

My mind started to make excuses for my husband. Okay, maybe it popped up accidentally when he clicked on a link. 

But my suspicions would not go away. The video was stopped halfway. Later that night, I asked him gently again.

“Okay,” he replied. “I was trying to watch a show. I really don’t know why it showed up. I must have clicked on it.”

But just 24 hours later, after a sleepless night of wrestling with God, my husband finally came clean that he had a pornography addiction.

The sting of betrayal

My world came crashing down.

It was not just that he was watching pornography. But when confronted, he had lied in my face. Twice. 

The night of his confession, he hugged me tight and we had an honest conversation. But I could not sleep.

I tossed and turned the entire night. By the wee hours of the morning, I had plunged into a dark tunnel.

Why now, God? Why me? Could I not have found out before marriage so that we could work on it together, instead of just before celebrating our wedding anniversary?

I mourned for my two children and the unborn child in my womb. I cried until I fell asleep.

The discovery sent me down a spiral of depression. My emotions would cycle up and down.

First shock, relief and short-lived forgiveness, then anger and hurt over the betrayal. I would try to be civil and kind to my husband, but inside I began to withdraw emotionally.

In my calmest moments, I saw it as God’s tender mercy, pulling out the hidden weeds that were choking our marriage.

On the best days, I would cry out to God and feel His tender love holding me secure. On the worst days, I thought I was losing my mind.

I would burst into tears or battle entire nights of insomnia. Some days I would just blankly stare into space. I could not feel anything anymore and it scared me.

It was as if God, in His loving kindness, was yanking out a huge thorn from my husband. And because we were one flesh, it hurt me as it was pulled out too.

Betrayal can be a deeply traumatic experience. Photo from Depositphotos.com.

When you are injured and bleeding from a physical wound, you know where to turn – Accident and Emergency – to get stitched up.

But when this happened, I did not know where to seek help for my wounded heart. I walked around with a raw, gaping wound for months.

There I was, carrying my husband’s guilt and shame like a noose around my neck. I could not speak to anyone out of fear – it was suffocating me.

It felt like I had nowhere to turn, no one to talk to this problem about. I could not go to my parents or my close friends, and it was an extremely lonely experience.

There is even a name for it: “betrayal trauma”. Those who have discovered that their spouse is watching porn have been documented to suffer from post-traumatic stress symptoms, similar to those experienced by soldiers returning from the battlefield. 

I could accept that my husband was a sinful person (we all are), but he had broken my heart and my trust.

It was difficult as I struggled to make sense of things. How could my husband vow to “forsake all others” and still seek a sexual climax with images on a screen?

The revelation that he would rather be satiated by other women also brought out my deepest hurts and inadequacies.

Like the time my father said someone was more beautiful than I was. Or the time I felt ugly when measuring myself up to a classmate.

The start of healing

It was in the depths of this darkness that God met me.

The night after my husband confessed, I lay awake all night and finally fell asleep at 7am.

That morning, I awoke from a dream with a chorus of angels singing Amazing Grace over me. I didn’t see any angels, but I heard their all-male voices.

During another time of severe discouragement, God reminded me of Lamentations 3:20-23.

“… My soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

One time, God also showed me Isaiah 54:5 – the Lord himself would be my husband.

Suddenly I felt like I did not have to chase after my husband’s affection because God Himself would care for me like a perfect husband and lover.

Through this experience, I learnt that I need not look to my husband for validation and to fulfil all my emotional needs, but to look to Christ instead as the perfect lover of my soul.

God reassured me that I am deeply loved, just as I am. God reminded me of the times when I too had sinned against others and was in need of His saving grace, just as I had been sinned against.

If you are a spouse hiding in secret shame today, come out into the light. Photo from Depositphotos.com.

Sometime after that incident, I found myself doing a deep spring cleaning where I had to re-open boxes hidden away in dark places.

Treasured books had become yellowed, mouldy and bug-infested, while mounds of dustballs and dead roaches had gathered in nooks and crannies.

It was a fitting picture of what happens when sin is hidden for too long, away from the light.

Watching pornography is not just a harmless hobby, but an insidious addiction that will destroy you and those whom you love most.

Recovery has been a slow and often painful process.

We installed a screen accountability software on my husband’s phone and spoke to our pastors shortly after the discovery. (Editor’s Note: Read to the end for the author’s list of resources.)

However, it was only months after, when we were struggling to mend the cracks in our relationship that we decided to go for counselling, individually at first and then as a couple.

We were in counselling on and off over several years with different counsellors, and are still in the process of healing our relationship.

As a couple, we have learnt not just to pursue physical intimacy, but also genuine, kind and loving emotional connection.

My husband is also still healing from childhood wounds that have contributed to this addiction. 

I know that God does not want to clean us up for aesthetics or appearances – He doesn’t want to fix us, but to heal us.

Our marriage may always have to carry the scars of hurt in this life. But it reminds us that there is a greater hope to look forward to – one day we will be made perfect.

When your partner is addicted to porn

If you have discovered your spouse has a porn addiction, here are a few things that I want you to know.

It is not your fault

Your spouse has an addiction, often one that began during his or her formative years. It is not because you are not attractive or do not perform well enough in the bedroom.

During our counselling journey, we learnt that porn, as with other addictions, is often an outlet for someone seeking comfort from pain, rejection, isolation or even trauma.

Do not blame yourself for your spouse’s brokenness. Simply pray and allow God to work change in his or her life.

You are not alone

Many people have gone through what you are experiencing right now, be it hurt or anger. Betrayal trauma is real, and has been experienced by those who have discovered a spouse’s addiction or infidelity.

Speak to someone such as a trusted leader or counsellor. Choose your confidants wisely as there are those who may inflict even more pain at a time when you are already hurting. 

There is hope

God knows and cares for you. Take your time to grieve and for your marriage to heal. It will be a journey of pain, but also of reconciliation and restoration.

Pour out your sorrow, pain and hurt to God, and let Jesus hold you close. Let this be an opportunity for growth for yourself as well.

Remember that you are dearly beloved and precious in God’s sight. He sees you, knows what you are going through and is hurting with you.

Finally, if you are a spouse hiding in secret shame today, come out into the light. There is hope, and Jesus wants to heal you today.

Resources for porn addiction recovery 

These are also a few things that have helped us as couple.

Accountability software and Internet filtering

Covenant Eyes

Books

When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart by Vicki Tiede

An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall

In sharing our story, it is my prayer that anyone who has been through a similar experience will, by the sheer grace of God, find true freedom and deliverance in Christ.

Jesus alone has the power to deliver us and make us whole.