Sulyn Ooi and her husband, Joshua Rondilla, were out for a bike ride with their niece.

The married couple had found joy in cycling amid the pandemic and often went riding around the neighbourhood.

“It was a chill ride that day and Josh asked me, ‘Can I show you a stunt I learned?’ I wasn’t too keen,” recalled Sulyn.

But seeing how excited he was, she could not bring herself to say no.

He cycled ahead and attempted the stunt, but it didn’t go well. Josh fell hard and hit his head on the road.

“I remember blood coming out of his ears. There was blood everywhere. We rushed him to the hospital, but it didn’t look good,” she said.

Her greatest nightmare

In the emergency room, Josh was barely conscious.

He needed emergency surgery, but there was a chance he would not survive the operation.

If he did, he would likely be in a vegetative state. But if Sulyn did not choose surgery, she would lose him that day.

“We nearly lost him on the table, but he pulled through and was moved into the ICU. He never regained consciousness again. As the days went by, his organs started failing,” she said.

Nine days after the accident, Josh passed away on June 8, 2021.

He was 33.

Wrestling with God’s will

Josh and Sulyn had met in Malaysia in 2012 while serving in their church’s worship ministry.

Josh, a programmer and then business coach from the Philippines, and Sulyn, a music teacher, gradually began to know each other better in 2015.

“I found out that he’d always had a crush on me but didn’t know what to do about it,” Sulyn recalled with a smile.

In 2017, the couple got married. For almost four years, they enjoyed a blissful married life.

Josh and Sulyn got hitched in 2017 after having met in church. The song ‘Not Goodbye’, says Sulyn, was her way of honouring Josh and the love they shared.

Josh had a warm personality and loved people. Wherever he went, people loved him back.

So, when news spread that he was fighting for his life, their community and families rallied around them.

“It was a crazy nine days. My stress level was high as family members were looking to me to make decisions,” she said.

When he passed away, guilt and “what-if”s flooded in.

Sulyn replayed the fateful day, thinking: “If only I’d said no. If only we didn’t go cycling.”

It felt as if a piece of her had been ripped out of her chest, she recalled.

“We had prayed very hard for Josh to wake up. But he didn’t, and that was hard to take because we’re told that God is a God who heals,” she said.

“We were wrestling between what we desired and God’s will for Josh’s life.”

Jesus loved and suffered for us first

In the days and weeks that followed, Sulyn experienced a whirlwind of anger and confusion. Yet, she also felt God’s presence surrounding her, tender and gentle.

In her deepest pain, she found that God drew near.

“I grew really close to God. At times, it felt like He was all I had. I knew it before in my head, but this experience helped me realise that He is very kind and good,” she said.

She has never blamed God for the loss. It’s unreasonable, she says, to expect life to be problem-free in a fallen world.

“Jesus suffered so much for us on the Cross, so how can I expect a life free of suffering? Instead, God promises to carry us through. I know the Gospel is real, and I love Jesus because He first loved me,” she said.

Yet, while she knew God’s love was real, her grief was real too.

Letting go through music

From a young age, Sulyn knew that God had wired her for worship. She has written about 20 to 30 songs, though most remain tucked away in her journal.

Last year, she felt a nudge to process her grief through song.

“What really prompted me to write was that I was exploring dating again. I found it difficult to embrace new experiences and soon realised I didn’t have space inside me. I was Josh’s widow (rather than my own person),” she said.

From a young age, God had wired Sulyn for worship, and it was through songwriting that her grief first began to lift.

As music and lyrics flowed from her heart, she completed ‘Not Goodbye’ within a few months. The single was released by Wondersigns in July 2024.

In the chorus, she sings:

I’ve got to let go, but it doesn’t mean you’re gone
I’m just trying to move along 
Trying to make room for more
I’ve got to let go, but it doesn’t mean you don’t live on inside 
It’s not goodbye

“I wanted to honour Josh, who he was, and the love we shared,” Sulyn explained. 

It was during the writing of ‘Not Goodbye’ that her journey of letting go began.

Relearning who she is

Soon after, she felt prompted to go for therapy.

“I wanted to have more capacity for people, but I was in a terrible state,” she said. “Although I had done a lot of work on myself, I was still struggling to relate to others with freedom and ease.”

As part of Wondersigns, the worship ministry of Every Nation Petaling Jaya, Sulyn equips and trains worship ministries across the wider Malaysian Church.

Grief is not a one-size-fits-all experience, and the process is anything but linear, she added.

Sometimes, Christians offer platitudes like, “He’s in a better place now,” or “You shouldn’t be sad; you should rejoice because he’s in heaven.”

“While some of these words are well-intentioned, they can be unhelpful,” Sulyn admitted.

After her therapist diagnosed her with depression, Sulyn realised she needed to break unhealthy patterns she had.

“I was always happy to go with the flow. For years, I lived in Josh’s shadow, and now I’m almost having to relearn who I am — what I like and don’t like,” she reflected.

One of Sulyn’s regrets is that she did not live more in the moment when Josh was still around. She often felt anxious about the future, trying to maintain a sense of control.

Since his passing, however, she has learned to accept that she cannot control everything.

In God’s presence, there is healing

It’s been over three years since the accident, and throughout this time, God has provided her with a strong support system.

A friend from church moved in with her for two months after the funeral to help her adjust, while others brought meals and offered practical assistance.

She also attended a grief recovery support group.

Today, she is doing better, she says. She enjoys restful nights, good meals and leisurely walks. She also finds fulfilment in singing, playing and leading worship.

“Spending time in worship draws you into God’s presence, and you always come away with some degree of restoration or healing. His presence gives life,” she said.

She continues to freelance as a music teacher but spends most of her time with Wondersigns, producing songs and equipping worship leaders for the wider Church.

Turning the page to a new chapter

A verse Sulyn often reflects on is Romans 8:28.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

“We know that some experiences in life are undeniably bad, but God can use them for our good, to make us more like Christ,” she said.

In August, Sulyn began a new relationship with Aaron, a fellow member of her church who also knew Josh. “I feel like Aaron is a gift from God. When he first reached out, I was in terrible shape due to my depression, but he accepted me as I am,” she shared.

She finds comfort in knowing that separation from Josh is temporary because of Jesus.

“I’m so grateful for the Gospel and the promise of being reunited with our loved ones. Without it, I don’t know how I’d cope,” she said.

“The Gospel is filled with hope,” she added. So no matter how chaotic life becomes, Sulyn remains assured that the ending is good.

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