When Andreas Sow and Beverly Tan met at work 12 years ago, they had an undeniable connection.

“We wanted the same things: settle down early, start a family early, have two kids,” said Andreas, now 36.

“Our personalities also complemented each other. I am an introvert, she’s more talkative. I guess it was a good balance.”

Beverly was willing to help Andreas out even while they were dating because she thought his was a one-off debt.

What Beverly did not know then was that Andreas was harbouring a dark secret: He was a gambling addict.

A year into their relationship, she found out.

“He asked me to bail him out of some debts, so he had to come clean as to why he needed the money,” said Beverly, 35.

Though his debt was a four-figure sum, she did not think the situation was that serious.

“I thought that if I helped him out, he would change and he could have a fresh start,” she explained. “I didn’t know about addictions. He promised me it wouldn’t happen again. He also said he would pay me back. I thought, ‘Okay, just trust him.’”

They were already in a committed relationship with marriage on the cards. So Beverly, who had been working for a few years by then, dug into her savings.

It would be a move she would regret.

Aspired to be a full-time gambler

Andreas had started gambling when he was 15, around the same time he picked up smoking.

“I was always very curious. I wanted to try everything. I also like to be popular. I like to please my friends. So what my friends did, I would try to be like them,” he said.

Andreas in his teens.

The fact that both smoking and gambling were illegal for him added to the thrill. Once a week after school, he would change out of his school uniform and go to the nearby Singapore Pools outlet to place sports bets. 

The first time he won, he made S$200 from a S$50 bet. “It really felt good.”

The high from the easy money kept Andreas returning to gambling even when he began to lose more than he won.

While in polytechnic, he moved to online gambling. On his first try, he won S$4,000.

He recalled: “I was over the moon. It felt like free money. I really thought this was something I could be doing all the way, that I could win the system and become a full-time gambler.”

Deep in debt and denial

In the initial few months, Andreas’ dream seemed possible. He won every week, with the biggest haul totalling some S$8,000. But soon his luck turned.

Three-figure debts ballooned into four-figure ones. Yet, he refused to walk away.

“At the start, it was about the money. But then it became the ego in me that doesn’t want to lose and doesn’t want to give up,” he admitted.

When Andreas could not pay off his losses, he concocted stories to get money from his parents. They knew he was living large – smoking, partying, staying out late – but they did not suspect he was gambling.

By his early 20s, Andreas was gambling heavily because he could borrow to fund his addiction.

At 21, eligible for bank loans, Andreas started borrowing to feed his gambling addiction. When he maxed out the loans, moneylenders were next.

When he hit the limits even with them, he turned to Beverly. 

The logic and love of God

Beverly had grown up going to church, though there was a season during her polytechnic years when she stopped going. When she and Andreas began dating, she invited him to church.

Beverly in her late teens.

The Christian faith made sense to him.

“I am a very logical person and the Bible spoke logic to me. It made sense. I am someone who believes that there is one higher being in this world who created everything. I believe this one being is the most intelligent, the most everything,” he said.

Quipped Beverly: “As opposed to one god for one thing, why can’t one God cover everything? That was his logic.”

Andreas added: “The other thing was God’s love. Almost every other religion is about humans having to put in effort to go to God. But with Christianity, it is the grace of God coming to us.”

So Andreas started attending church regularly. The year they got married, they were baptised together.

But being a Christian did nothing to wrest Andreas from the grips of his addiction.

Andreas and Beverly at their baptism the year they were married.

“I didn’t feel bad. I always held on to this verse: ‘For we live by faith and not by sight’ (2 Corinthians 5:7)

“It was twisted though. I thought God could help me understand the gambling mechanics better so I could forge a career out of it,” said Andreas.

“I should have known”

His addiction deepened. The bets got larger, as did the losses.

“I once won S$50,000 over a few days. But I also lost S$30,000 in a day, including all my winnings,” he said.

Andreas admitted that despite their enthusiastic start, he and Beverly soon became Sunday Christians.

Tired of his lies and of lending him money, his mother threatened to disown him.

It came to a point where Andreas himself felt trapped. “I felt there was no meaning in life. I couldn’t control my addiction even though I wanted to quit gambling. This kind of life, I find no joy,” he said.

He thought of ending his life, but seeing Beverly standing steadfastly by his side made a difference. So, he sought help from the National Addictions Management Service (NAMS), joined a support group and started seeing a counsellor.

“People were saying I could quit with my own effort. But speaking from experience, it didn’t seem to work,” he confessed.

Loansharks began harassing Beverly, who was pregnant with their first child, when he could not repay his debts. It came as a shock to her that her husband was still gambling and deep in debt.

The Sows with their first child.

“I am very trusting. In my life, I didn’t have people who treated me maliciously, no one betrayed me. So I had no reason not to trust people,” she said. “Now, in hindsight, I should have known.”

Fighting together

With loansharks on his heels and a baby on the way, Andreas decided he needed more help. So, he joined Blessed Grace Church’s Gambling Addiction Recovery Centre.

The programme required Andreas to attend a weekly support group, be part of Blessed Grace Church and join a cell group.

At the time, neither he nor Beverly were attending church regularly, nor were they integrated in a cell group. In fact, they had never thought to seek God’s help to kick Andreas’ addiction.

Andreas (right, back row, in green) and Beverly (right, middle row, in black) with their church family from Blessed Grace Church.

Said Beverly: “Our faith and our foundation in Christianity were wavering. I don’t recall myself praying. We were just doing what we could to get by.”

The gambling addiction support group gave them the lifeline they needed. They attended it together, with Beverly encouraging Andreas go whenever his resolve faltered.

“For three years, although I was lazy at times, whenever she pushed me, I would do it. If I didn’t give this my last shot, I really could not change. I didn’t know what else could help me,” said Andreas.

The change in her

The programme helped Andreas come to terms with the man he had become because of his addiction.

Not someone usually given to outbursts, he found himself losing his temper whenever he was in debt. When their daughter was born, the lack of sleep and increased responsibilities only darkened his moods.

Even as God worked in her husband through his addiction, He also worked in Beverly.

“My daughter was about one. Many, many times I would lose my temper with her especially when she cried at night because of night terrors and we couldn’t settle her. I would carry her outside the bedroom and cane her,” he admitted.

Though he was never violent with Beverly, he did punch counter tops and windows when their arguments got heated.

Said Beverly: “That was the time when I was really very scared. One or two times, I thought of leaving the house.”

However, with help from Christian volunteers in the support group, and by going to church more regularly to listen to God’s Word, the pair grew closer to God. As they did, their perspectives changed.

Said Beverly: “I used to walk on eggshells when I needed to spend money, afraid that I would trigger his relapse but unable to communicate with him.

“Then I realised I needed to work on myself as a wife, mother and a child of God instead of focusing on the money issue or harping on his recovery.

“I had to work on seeking God first.”

Changed by grace and discipline

For Andreas, having a community was key.

During the time he was on the programme, he relapsed twice. But instead of slinking into the shadows, he confessed to his support group and cell group. He felt safe with them as they had lived experience of the torment of addiction.

Andreas went through another two relapses before he finally got out of his gambling addiction, with his wife’s steadfast support.

Said Andreas: “The last relapse was serious. I borrowed another round from moneylenders and chalked up S$20,000 in debt. From the banks, it was another S$30,000 to S$40,000.

“That shocked me and my wife that we were back to zero and had to restart everything. But my cell group came to our house to support us and console my wife. They understood. There was no condemnation.”

But there was firm discipline too. An older woman in the cell group, who was usually quite easy-going, gave Andreas a stern talking to. “She scolded me left, right and centre. It shocked me that she could be so serious,” said Andreas.

Her tough love approach, along with Beverly’s response, finally pushed Andreas to fully commit to change.

Said Beverly: “I told him to just move on, no need to blame yourself. For once, I saw him as a victim (of his addiction) instead of the one causing a lot of harm to the home.

“I could see that he was also trying. He just needed time for God to heal him. My response shocked me as well.”

Lasting transformation  

Seeing the love of God through his wife and cell group, as well as growing in his faith, finally brought Andreas back from the brink. Today, he has not gambled for seven years.

The Sows with their daughters aged nine and seven.

The couple has also put safeguards in place to prevent relapses: Beverly manages all the family’s finances. Andreas got himself put on the blacklist with moneylenders and casinos.

They now keep themselves busy in church instead. Andreas volunteers with the weekly support group, while Beverly serves in the children’s and worship ministry.

The couple agree that the other thing that would have helped him break free from his gambling addiction was if those around him had refused to give him money each time he fell.

“Don’t lend them money. Let them go bankrupt. At the back of my mind, I knew somebody would bail me out. It allowed me to relapse,” said Andreas, who estimates that he has lost about S$500,000 in all.

By the grace of God, he is a different man today. “Now I am someone who is responsible for my own actions. I think of the consequences rather than feeding what I want to do,” he said. “I am also more contented.”

His wife can attest to his transformation: “His take on life is very different. Last time, it was ‘The world is in my hands. I am my own God’. Now it is God first, God is sovereign, we have to trust God.”

If you are struggling with gambling addiction or know a loved one who needs help, visit Blessed Grace Social Services or call their helpline: +65 84286377.

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