Has it been 28 years?

It doesn’t seem that long ago when my wife Serene and I discovered that we would become parents for the very first time. I was going to be a father.

It was an odd feeling, I must admit. Excited? Absolutely. Clueless? Completely.

I wasn’t exactly the family man type. Children or not, I was fine. Serene, on the other hand, grew up with a clear resolve “never to have children”, and I was happy to go along with that. As young working professionals, we enjoyed our freedom.

Everything changed when we realised what God says about children (Psalm 127:3-5), and how they feature very much in His plans and purposes. Not just for humanity in general but for His people in particular. We were convicted that most – if not all – of our reasons and concerns for not wanting children did not line up with the Lord’s Word. 

That opened our eyes, minds and hearts. If the Lord would open my wife’s womb, we would openly accept the children He chose to bless us with. And He did – seven times over.

The Fellowship of Fathers who Feel like Failures?

Please do not be impressed that I am a father of seven children: David, Sarah, Aaron, Esther, Ruth, Deborah Hope and Anna Joy.

The standing joke is that I have had many more opportunities to mess up – and I have messed up.

The firstborn who started Henson on his journey as a dad in 1998.

Famed baby photographer Anne Geddes wrote: “Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.”

Pope John XXIII said: “It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.” There is much truth in both these statements.

More than once in my fathering journey, I have quipped about starting a support group for fathers. I would call it FFFF: The Fellowship of Fathers who Feel like Failures.

This first came about when I noticed how silent a brother was after church. We were both in the same room but didn’t get to talk at all. He was busy with his kids and I with mine. The next day, I made an effort to call him just to see how he was doing. He was struggling with being a dad and a husband. No matter how hard he tried, nothing seemed to work. Whatever he did, it never felt like enough.

Then there were the feelings of guilt for not praying enough, not reading the Bible enough, and not spending enough time with God. Not to mention the need of connecting and reconnecting with the wife.

The spirit was willing, but – you guessed it – he had neither time nor the energy.

We know the right things to do, but they don’t always turn out the way those well-meaning Christian fathering seminars or inspirational books suggest they do.

Can any father reading this relate? I’m with you. Maybe it’s time to revive my thoughts of FFFF.

Jokes aside, here’s a word of encouragement to all fathers. Just because we feel like failures does not mean that we are failures. To be clear, Dad-guilt is real. Mistakes are aplenty. Fathering is definitely not for the faint-hearted.

Henson (middle) with fellow fathers Pastor Hon Chin Foang (left) and David Ang (right) in 2024.

However, there is much we can learn from this privilege the Lord has graced us with.

If not for my two boys and five girls, I would never have had the opportunity to learn and grow in the Lord in quite the same way. I love them dearly and am so very proud of all of them. Each one is unique and special in their own way.

In this season, five are young adults and two are older teens. With a bit more margin these days, I am grateful to have the space to reminisce and reflect.

Allow me to share seven thoughts as a fellow father.

1. A glimpse of the Father’s heart

It was only when I became a father that I understood my heavenly Father’s heart in a deeper way: The joy I experience when the children are around. The pleasure I feel just to hear them chat and laugh with one another. The thrill of having them serve alongside me in the work of the Kingdom.

Henson leading worship with his children in 2020.

No wonder Abba invites us to be with Him in the Father’s business.

We feel the satisfaction and pride of seeing them learn something, and also the pain they go through when they try to make sense of their struggles and disappointments. How my heart breaks in times of defiance, disobedience, rejection and rebellion.

As a child of my Heavenly Father, I am made more aware of how I often take God for granted. As the father of my children, I learn how to direct and discipline, with grace and patience.

2. Biblical principles, not formulas

I used to think that if I followed every verse on parenting (Proverbs 22:6), everything would turn out well and every child would become a model citizen. Just name it, claim it, pray it in Jesus’ name, and the children would be perfect.

Handling book sales at an Archippus Awakening event in 2015.

That was my faith-filled expectation as a young and naïve dad. I quickly discovered that it didn’t work that way. Biblical principles are always right and true, but my application of them may not always be wise or accurate.

Each child’s personality, birth order and the different seasons of marriage and family life add complexity. I have learned, therefore, that biblical principles are guides to apply faithfully, not formulas that guarantee specific outcomes.

3. Live the faith; beware the hypocrite

Many young people walk away from the faith because they see a gap between what their fathers profess in church and how they live at home.

If I want to raise my children in the instruction and fear of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4), I must first live out my faith before them. My children hear what I teach and preach, but they also have front-row seats to witness whether my life matches my words. This is not easy at all. It doesn’t take too long before children realise that fathers are not perfect.

My desire is not to appear flawless but to remain authentic. I want them to see a man who depends on the Lord for everything. The last thing I want is for my children to consider me a hypocrite. Instead, may their testimony be: “My father showed me what it means to love and serve Jesus.”

4. Children need to own their own faith

When the children were younger, they could lean on my faith. But as they grew, they had to own their own faith.

My part is to be as exemplary a disciple of Jesus as I can be, and to keep pointing them to Him. That is my walk, but there comes a time when they will have to choose for themselves if they will follow Jesus wholeheartedly and unreservedly. As much as I want to, I cannot make that decision for them.

A special moment in 2019: The joy of witnessing, baptising and praying for his youngest child.

In the Old Testament, we read of both good and bad kings. Faithful fathers who love and follow the Lord do not necessarily guarantee children who would do the same. I wish this were not so. Yet Scripture informs us that our children’s journey with God belongs to them. We can guide, teach, encourage and pray, but there comes a time when they must own their faith and walk with God for themselves.

5. The window is small

The diaper years may seem like forever when you are going through them. But they are not – we don’t have a lot of time. Children do grow up too fast. In a blink of an eye, they are making their own decisions.

2005: Henson and Serene’s seventh year as parents.

When it’s time to sow into their young hearts, minds and lives, make full use of every opportunity (Ephesians 5:16). They are worth the sacrifice and the investment. The runway is shorter than we think. The window is indeed small.

All too quickly, the world will crowd in on them and invade every sacred space we hoped to protect. Amidst the many competing and confusing voices, my prayer is that they will hear mine nudging and reminding them to always heed the still small voice of the Lord.

6. Learning to let go

This may be the hardest of all. As fathers, we want to prepare our children for the day they will venture out on their own. Yet, when that day finally comes, we are not sure if what we have done is ever enough.

I experienced this firsthand when I gave our eldest daughter away in marriage last October. It was tough. My little girl had grown up and it was time to let go. Another man will now care for her.

Walking his oldest daughter down the aisle in 2025.

In other situations, the transition is not as obvious. Whether it’s marriage or something else, our children will slowly but surely make their own decisions and chart their own paths. The fathering role changes. We accept that we no longer have the influence we once did.

Just as we wanted our children to trust us when they were young, they now want us to trust that they are ready to face the world on their own. So we learn. To. Let. Go.

7. Trusting the Lord no matter what or how long

More than principles, programmes and processes, our confidence must always be in the Lord.

Even if I perform these perfectly, I still could not determine when or how each child would have a personal encounter with Jesus. It doesn’t always go according to my preferences and plan. Some experience God earlier. Others later. Some have a direct path. Others take detours. The timing and outcome are not mine to control.

But I can, and I will, keeping trusting in the Lord. I can, and I will, keep praying for my children. No matter how old they become, I remain their father. As long as God gives me breath, I will continue to speak the Lord’s best over them. Trusting that the Lord will bring them into all He has planned for them. No matter what. No matter how long it takes.

What fatherhood has shown me

Has it really been 28 years since I became a father?

Seven children later, the journey is still every bit as exciting. Perhaps even more so. I have more experience now, so I am no longer quite as clueless as I once was, and certainly not as idealistic. Yet if there is one thing fatherhood has taught me, it is how much I still have to learn.

There are moments when the consequences of my shortcomings as a father surface years later, and I find myself feeling like a failure all over again. But the Lord continually reminds me that my identity is not defined by my mistakes. I am not a perfect father, but by His grace, I am seeking to be a faithful one. Like every dad, I am doing my best for the children entrusted to me, resting in God’s grace and trusting Him for both the timing and the outcome.

The Lim family serving together at KINGDOM101 in 2015.

I thank God for allowing me to be a father to my seven children. In trying to teach them, the Lord has used them to teach me. In pointing them to Jesus, they have continually pointed me back to Him as I pray, trust, and petition on their behalf.

Dr Frank Pittman said it well: “Fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man.” I have found this to be profoundly true. Fatherhood has exposed my weaknesses, stretched my faith, deepened my dependence on God, and revealed more of His heart to me than I could have imagined. Along the way, I am deeply grateful for my wife Serene, who has partnered with, supported and encouraged me throughout this journey.

Henson and Serene out on a date this year.

Year ago, the Lord opened our hearts to receive children, and He graciously blessed us with seven. Looking back, I would not trade this experience for anything. I give thanks for each one of them. I love them deeply, I am so proud of them, and I am excited to see them fulfil all that God has for them.

Because of them, I get to be Dad.

Entirely by His grace.

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