One day in December 2014, I landed at Changi Airport, with one suitcase in my hand. I was full of hope.

I had left Japan where I had lived my entire life of more than 20 years to start a new life in lovely Singapore. I was looking forward to a happy marriage with my Singaporean boyfriend of five years, and to starting a family. 

My life had been good in Japan. I always had good grades in school, which led to a very successful career with an unusually high salary after graduation. I grew up in a Japanese family that was not open to any religion, and I had never felt a need to believe in a god, as I had everything that I wanted.

It was not easy leaving the comforts of Tokyo, family and friends, and my well-paying job in a prestigious company. However, I still decided it was worth giving it all up for my boyfriend. In my mind he would be the best husband I could ever ask for – someone who would help to fulfil a dream that I had since I was young, to build my own happy family.

One night, my life was turned upside down. My boyfriend suddenly said he had something to tell me. I always had absolute trust in him and I was confident that there were no secrets between us. However, I was taken aback by what he confessed: He had committed multiple criminal offences and was soon to be sentenced to time in prison.

I was devastated. He had betrayed me as well as caused harm to others. A rush of emotions overcame me – a mixture of anger, shame and loss.

The prison of unforgiveness

This incident slowly yet surely ate at my heart.

One day, I told him my honest thoughts, and how I could not go through with the marriage. His reply was that I was overreacting. He could not understand why I blamed him for his “only one” wrongdoing, while forgetting all the good things he had done over the past five years.

And so, only a few months after arriving in Singapore, I left his house, along with my luggage and the little money I had.

I concluded that I could not return to Japan. After all, I had left my job and it would be difficult to re-enter the Japanese workforce, with potential employers knowing I had given up a position in one of the best companies in Japan.

Fortunately, I found a new job and soon managed to rent a room. However, the salary I took home was very small despite the long hours of overtime work, and there was little left after paying rent.

Zarah* wanted to forgive her ex-boyfriend for what he had done, but she could not bring herself to. She ended up being consumed by one emotion above all else – unforgiveness. Photo by Ye Jinghan on Unsplash.

I had not been prepared to live alone in a foreign country, and so I started cutting costs wherever I could. I began skipping one meal a day which, over time, increased to skipping two meals. On most days, I survived on a single piece of kaya toast. 

However, one day a severe pain in my abdomen landed me in hospital, where the doctors discovered a gastric ulcer in my stomach. All the savings I had scraped together were gone after this episode in the hospital.

I felt miserable, thinking about my past achievements in Japan and the big dreams I used to have. I once had everything, but now, I was left with nothing. 

By this time, near the end of 2015, I felt entirely defeated, consumed by a stronghold of one emotion above all else – unforgiveness toward my ex-boyfriend.

In the depths of my soul, I wanted to forgive him for what he had done to me, but I could not bring myself to do it – the situation I had been thrown into was beyond my understanding.

Day after day, I contemplated ending my life as I had nothing left to hold on to or hope for.

Around this time, I went out for lunch with one of my colleagues. He was being transferred to work in the US and I wanted to buy him a farewell meal. Out of the blue, this colleague mentioned that I should check out a “casual gathering” to find out more about Christianity. I soon found out that this gathering was called Alpha.

Growing up in a non-religious home and in a country where many people are atheists, I had already built up a belief in my mind: All religions were most likely cult activities, and religious meetings were something I should never be involved with.

This “gathering” that my colleague mentioned sounded like something that was against all my principles, and I was about to politely turn down his offer.

No coincidences

However, he mentioned one more special thing about Alpha: There would be free food! I was always hungry due to my financial situation, so I decided that I would go, but only for the food. My colleague immediately got in touch with a friend at Alpha Singapore and my first visit was swiftly arranged.

On my first Alpha session in January 2016, I met about 20 people, most of whom were Christian. We watched Nicky Gumbel’s talk, followed by a time of discussion. I was overwhelmed by many people talking about God so naturally – as if they could really see and hear Him.

A voice in my heart cried out: “I do not believe this! If you claim that there is a God, can you show me now – with scientific evidence?” I was even more convinced that this was not a healthy gathering, and decided to never come back again.

At the end of the session, the host asked me if I was alright. I was not and shared my misgivings with him. He said: “Take your time and you will gradually understand.” His words did not have any impact on me.

The host then changed the topic, asking where I had learned English. I replied that I had lived in Canada, where I attended university six years ago, and mentioned the name of the university. He asked where I had lived while I was there, and I answered that I had stayed on campus.

He persisted, asking for the name of my dormitory, and I replied accordingly. I was very puzzled as to why he was so curious. Surprisingly, the host revealed that he had studied in the same university and lived in the exact dormitory as I had, for four years. What kind of coincidence was that?

When I first heard about Alpha, it had actually brought to mind a memory of a roommate from my dormitory in Canada. She was one of the nicest girls that I had ever met in my life, but there was one thing I could not quite understand about her. She regularly held gatherings with Christian students in our flat, which I later realised was a cell group. I sometimes overheard their conversations about God while cooking in the kitchen, and I had questioned my roommate many times about why she believed in something she could not see or prove the existence of. 

At an Alpha meeting, Zarah was told by a stranger: “Winter is over and the season of cherry blossoms has come for you. You will become a big tree of cherry blossoms for Him, in a beautiful season.” Photo by AJ on Unsplash.

I told the host about this recollection and he said: “This is not a coincidence, this is God’s plan. Please convey this message from me to your roommate, ‘Thank you for planting a seed in Zarah.’ God has waited six years for you. You are now a small seed, and will soon grow to become a big tree.”

Because of this conversation, I had a 180° change in mindset and decided to continue attending the subsequent Alpha sessions. However, I continued to hold on to unresolved unforgiveness in my heart. 

The Alpha Weekend Away soon arrived in February 2016.

I had dinner with one of the Alpha members the night before, and she gave me a verse which came to her mind: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

I did not know how to respond as the unforgiveness in my heart seemed to have blocked out any hope for my future. I simply thanked her.

The next day at the Alpha Weekend session, another member shared her testimony with us, ending with a quote from Jeremiah 29:11. Subsequently, when we watched Nicky Gumbel’s sermon, he quoted the same verse, Jeremiah 29:11! 

A beautiful season

During lunchtime, I talked with one of the participants. I told her I was not a Christian. She said: “This word popped up in my mind, and I feel it is for you – winter is over and the season of cherry blossoms has come for you. You will become a big tree of cherry blossoms for Him, in a beautiful season.”

This particular message was especially meaningful to me, as the cherry blossom is the national flower of Japan and unbeknownst to this lady, my name in Japanese literally means “beautiful season”.

In the afternoon, two of the other leaders prayed for me.

It was my first time meeting them and they had no idea about my background. However, they gave me three verses from Scripture: Romans 8:15, Ecclesiastes 3:1-11, and again, Jeremiah 29:11.

One leader said: “I don’t know why you came to Singapore and how you got here. But God wants to heal you from the inside. You are a bird that was born to fly, not to walk on the ground. Plans that you had made for yourself were harmful, but God’s plan for you is good. Your own bad plan will turn into God’s good plan. There is a time for everything, God is in control of the time and seasons. Plant good things and uproot bad things in this season. Remember, God loves you.”

Suddenly, I was filled with a realisation that the reason I came to Singapore was to encounter God and meet these sisters and brothers in Christ, not to be married.

If so, my purpose for being here had been fulfilled and I had nothing left to struggle with. My ex-boyfriend had to answer to God for his actions – justice and forgiveness were ultimately in God’s hands. 

This was the first time that I was able to let go of the unforgiveness towards him. I knew I had been touched by the Holy Spirit, and I accepted Christ that very day.

In April 2016, I was baptised and embarked on a beautiful new season.

Light in the darkness

A person’s life can change in a very short time after one encounter with God, and I am a living testimony.

When I came to Singapore, I was just a vain girl, full of pride, with my worth tied only to material things and superficial matters. Now I know that my true value is known only by my Creator, our Father. I had not known this truth in any way until I encountered God through Alpha.

On this new journey, there are still challenges that remain. All of us have wounds that we carry, and a smile often hides the pain we might feel inside.

People are sent to prison for the wrongs they have done, but others are also imprisoned in their own minds because of the wrong that has been done towards them.

However, I have experienced how God uses the hurts that I have experienced to help me grow stronger, and to learn to forgive and love others. More importantly, my new life with God is intriguing, and much more beautiful than I could have ever expected. As the saying goes – pain is inevitable, but misery is a choice.

His blessings can be found in our lowest times. To me, it is like walking indoors on a sunny day into a dark room. At first, the darkness may be overwhelming, but after a while, your eyes adjust and it becomes easier to see and find your way around.

The shock of the darkness caused by pain in our lives may be alarming at first, but I have seen that God’s blessings glow even more in these dark times, and His light reveals things that are precious, and what we have taken for granted. 

If you are reading this and are uncertain whether you have the strength to continue, remember this: You are precious no matter what you have done or are going through. If I am His precious child, so are you! We are always loved by Him, whether we feel it or not.

Christianity is a journey. We do not have to force ourselves to believe it all at once, because trust and faith are in fact, gifts from Him as well.

God is with us in every season of our journey. I pray that as He continues to set free each heart that is facing difficulties, we will all be able to live knowing each day is a beautiful gift from Him.

*Name has been changed to protect her identity.