She is a four-year-old who cries and cling to her mum at drop-off, refusing to enter the classroom every Sunday morning.

He is a seven-year-old who becomes withdrawn after a group project.

“Not fair,” says the nine-year-old who gets upset when another child is picked as a leader.

Or perhaps, you hear the 12-year-old in your class saying: “Church is so boring.”

Sharing these examples at KidminSG’s latest webinar on May 15, co-founders Elvin and Esther Foong posed this question: How can you show pastoral care effectively in these scenarios?

“Sometimes we’re very fast to try and help those who are the loudest,” observed Esther. Or as adults, “we’re very fast to want to solve problems”.

But do we recognise that all of these children have underlying social and emotional needs?

Since they come from different age groups, there is also “no one size fits all” solution.

Teachers don’t feel confident in providing pastoral care

To get a sense of the needs out there, KidminSG asked registered participants ahead of the webinar: How confident do you feel in providing pastoral care to children in your ministry?

Over 75% of the 122 participants said they were only “somewhat confident” or “not confident” in providing pastoral care to children in their ministry.

Quizzed about one major challenge that they face in providing pastoral care, the participants’ top three responses could be broadly categorised as:

1. Not enough time
2. Lack of training or clarity
3. Difficulties in engaging with parents

It’s important for children’s ministry teachers to grow in their confidence and competence for pastoral care, say Elvin and Esther Foong. Source: All screenshots from the webinar.

Pastoral care impacts a child’s faith

Sharing why pastoral care matters, Elvin emphasised that “faith is caught more than taught”.

For example, researcher George Barna found that children’s perceptions of God are significantly shaped by their early relational experiences in faith communities.

“Relational trust significantly influences their spiritual openness,” added Elvin.

James Fowler’s stages of faith development highlight that early experiences of trust and safety are foundational for spiritual growth.

“When children experience consistent caring relationships with the adults and the teachers, they are more likely to develop a trusting view of God and engage more deeply in their faith journey,” clarified Esther.

Drawing from over a decade of experience as a primary school teacher, she also pointed out that emotional safety generally leads to greater engagement and retention.

“This is not just true in school classrooms, but also in Sunday School,” noted Esther. “To help them remember the things that we say, psychologically they must feel safe.”

Finally, anecdotal and qualitative data reveal that children often recall moments of personal care more than specific content as defining moments in their spiritual journey, said Esther.

“Pastoral encounters leave lasting imprints,” she summarised. “We can remember the Sunday School teachers who were kind and compassionate to us, but also the ones who shouted at us and said that we were ‘monkeys’ or ‘demon-possessed’ because we were too naughty!”

The bottom line? When a child is able to feel emotionally safe, spiritually heard and relationally supported, they are more likely to view God as trustworthy, the church as their home, and faith as relevant to their lives.

1. Is pastoral care just about being kind?

Sharing from her experience as a children’s ministry teacher, panellist Pamela Kiew said: “Pastoral care is not therapy; it’s not a professional session.”

Instead, it is about tending to someone’s soul and making them feel seen. “You feel warm, you feel safe with that person.”

Reflecting on the responses from participants on the best teacher they or their child have had, she said the comments had a common thread – it was about teachers who went the extra mile, who were there during a critical period of life, who journeyed with them.

When it comes to pastoral care, what really matters is how present the person was for you, says Pamela Kiew, who serves in Mount Carmel Bible-Presbyterian Church.

Introducing the acronym of PLS to sum up pastoral care, Pamela elaborated on each aspect.

• Presence: When teachers show up consistently, children will come to see them as a person they can trust. More than just knowing the children’s names or birth dates, it is about knowing their lives, eg their school, CCA, favourite soccer team. Children notice when we pay attention to the little things.
• Listening: Behaviour is communication, so listen with our eyes and not just our ears. Are we only listening to their answers to your questions about the Bible story, or do we listen out for their stories too? Moments of silence can speak volumes too.
• Safety: Children must know that their feelings matter. At times, teachers may be so efficient and driven to finish a lesson that they do not realise that the way discipline was carried out may have made a child feel they are not cared for.

When it comes to managing tricky behaviours, “sometimes it’s just taking that deep breath because we’re all human,” said Pamela. Outward expressions may also be indicative of feelings that a child is struggling with.

In those earlier scenarios, each child might have had different needs, such as security, belonging, validation, autonomy.

Are we making an effort to connect with the children? How well do we know each child? 

2. How much pastoral care is enough?

Teachers might also feel the burden of whether they are doing enough.

Or, on the other hand, they might wonder: Am I overstepping my boundaries? Do the parents even want me to interfere?

“’Enough’ is really not a quota. It’s a rhythm,” said Pamela.

If teachers see pastoral care as a checklist of things they need to do, then they either do not believe in it enough or are at risk of burning out.

“However, if we see pastoral care as a rhythm, we go with the ebb and flow. What are the needs of the class?  

“Whatever I can give, I give with intention. And whatever I cannot give, I give in faith.”

Encouraging teachers not to feel like they must have all the answers or that all burdens must be borne by them, Pamela suggested: “Do whatever you can.”

“But if there comes a point where you say, ‘I don’t know what to do’, that’s when you need to reach out.”

Other than equipping ministries such as KidminSG, teachers can also tap on other churches that have different specialisations.

“That’s why we are one Body of Christ.”

Remembering that Jesus never rushed, never healed everyone in a town or never said “yes” to every crowd, Pamela highlighted that He gave His presence.

“He noticed the one, He wept, He rested, He trusted the Father with His rest. So maybe for us, that’s also our model.”

We can follow in the footsteps of Jesus, who showed us what it meant to care for His sheep, says David Leong. He and his wife Cynthia have been serving in children’s ministry for over 20 years.

3. Are we reflecting the heart of Jesus?

Echoing that pastoral care is at the heart of our faith, children’s ministry veteran David Leong said that it is about helping someone “catch the love of God and what it means to be embraced with the warmth of the Gospel”.

Referring to John 21 where Jesus instructed Peter to care for His lambs and sheep, David shared that the responsibility of pastoral care is not just for pastors.

Just like how Jesus asked Peter if he loved Him before giving Peter the assignment, pastoral care “has to be a devotion to Jesus … not just as a duty”.

Following in the example of our Good Shepherd, teachers must create a safe space where children can experience the reality of God’s presence and love, he said.

In fact, David recounted how growing up, it was actually the experiences he had with his teachers outside the classroom (eg offers of car rides to church, invitations to their home for lunch) that left an indelible impact on him.

Emphasising the importance of building relationships, he said: “Rules without relationships, says (Christian author) Josh McDowell, will lead to rebellion, distancing and rejection. But rules with relationships – of love, of care and of tending – will lead to connection.”

4. Are we convinced that children are gifts from God?

Even in challenging moments, are we able to recognise that children are gifts from God? Can we also trust in God’s sovereignty?

“Instead of asking why is this child in my class, see it as God’s sovereign plan for you. He has given you this big task for a greater purpose,” said Cynthia Leong who has been serving alongside her husband David for decades. She is also a certified counsellor.

“With God’s power and wisdom, by His grace, we can make a difference in each child’s life for God’s purpose.”

Even if we do not see positive results now, “it’s not about achievements” or “meeting goals”, she reminded.

Ultimately, God is in control of what will happen to each person. “We’re working together with God for this child,” says Cynthia.

5. How are we partnering with parents?

Advising teachers to see themselves as partners to parents, Cynthia said that they can also help families “become more aware of the children’s needs”.

Here are her tips for engaging with parents using the acronym CHILD.

• Check yourself: You could have made an initial judgement or your emotions might be running high, so try to calm yourself down first. This is especially important especially if you are about to talk to a parent about a child who misbehaved.
• Hear the parent out: It is easy to jump to conclusions. You might even think you know the child better than their parents. But hold your horses – after sharing your observation, ask clarifying questions and hear what they say.
• Ignore what is unhelpful: Filter out negative thoughts and comments that come from yourself or anyone else.
• Lead parents to focus on holistic care: Draw their attention to their child’s total well-being, reminding them to also pay attention to social, emotional and mental aspects.
• Decide on your boundary: To prevent overloading yourself, know when you can or cannot do something. If a child’s behaviour is too difficult to handle, you may also want to have a chat with his or her parents to see if they would benefit from professional help.

Adding that it is good to keep parents informed of what their children are learning in class, Pamela explained: “Pastoral care, or rather Christian education, is not just the sole responsibility of Sunday School teachers.”

After all, it takes a village to raise a child. “The community is important,” she said.

In conclusion, teachers should make an effort to connect with both children and their parents.

When there is open communication and parents know that we have their child’s interests at heart, trust can then be established.

Through conversations with parents – even if they are just brief interactions at the door – we will also be able to learn more about a child.

“These things matter because the child knows that he or she is seen,” she said.

Bringing the participants back to the foundational needs of a child, Pamela said: “They need to feel safe. They need to feel that their needs are seen before they can flourish.”

Need practical tips on how you can offer pastoral care?

Here are some ideas that were shared at the webinar. 

The whole idea is for children to feel that they matter, say the speakers.

1. Rethink attendance taking

Getting to know your children does not mean you need to spend hours with each one of them. It can be simple tweaks to the things you already do.

For example, when taking attendance, you could say: “When I call your name, tell me an animal that represents you and explain to us why you chose the animal.”

Besides adding a column on birthdays to name lists, you could include favourite colours or animals.

You might also want to use this list to keep track of whom you have picked for different tasks so that all kids have a chance to be engaged.

2. Set up a prayer wall

Asking children to pray for others might not come as easy for some, so perhaps a low-hanging fruit is to get them into the habit of praying for the friends in class first. Kids could write down their prayer requests and stick it up, as well as check off another request that they have prayed for.

3. Create a class journal

Whether it is encouragement notes, fun facts about themselves, thoughts on how they are feeling or summaries of that day’s lesson, all you need is a book of any size for children to contribute to. Since teachers might be rotated on a weekly basis, this could also be one of those regular activities that helps to bond the class and document learning.  

But remember to lay down ground rules of what should not be shared, eg no vulgarities or obscene pictures.

4. Surprise them with calls or mails

Besides interacting with children during class, why not reach out at other times? The effort you put into making calls to pray with them, or mailing out cards or exam care packs, will definitely be appreciated. Imagine how a kid feels when they receive a letter or parcel addressed to them!

5. Be there during special occasions

It is natural to celebrate birthdays and other happy milestones (eg, exams, CCA competitions), but being present during moments of grief and loss can be so impactful too, eg at a wake or funeral service of their family member.

6. Start chats with parents

To foster greater connection with parents, these chats could be used to send photos or share updates on what was taught in class. These also create opportunities for parents to follow up with their child during the week.

They need not be group chats; they can be private conversations with each parent. You can also use these chats to drop an encouraging voice memo to a child or check in with a child who was absent (see Point 4).

7. Plan children’s camps

While camps are energy-intensive, there is something about being together for an extended period of time that touches the hearts of children. They have the chance to not only encounter God in a deeper way, but also forge stronger bonds with teachers and other kids.

Don’t have enough resources? Consider collaborating with other children’s ministries in your area to organise one! It also does not have to be an overnight event. Day camps can work too.

Feel like you need more help for children’s ministry? KidminSG’s next workshop is on understanding children with special educational needs and strategies for classroom management. To find out more, head over to bit.ly/specialneeds12jul for more details.

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