It is a topic often shrouded in secrecy and shame. But on Tuesday night (September 15), Salt&Light Family Night brought porn addiction into the light.

More than 360 participants joined hosts Carol Loi and Alex Tee, and their guests Pastor Randy Khoo and Quek Shiwei to learn how to overcome the addiction.

Pastor Khoo who heads The People’s Bible Church’s Pastoral Counselling & Family Life ministry journeys with teens and young men who want to get out of their addictions to pornography. Quek is the Director of Kallos, a Christian magazine for young women.

Guests Nicole Soh, 18, and Richard Porter, 44, also shared their personal experiences with porn and how it damaged their self esteem and relationships.

Here are the top questions asked and answered by the Salt&Light Family Night panellists about pornography and masturbation during the Zoom chat show.

How do I tell my friend pornography is wrong?

Before you go into the specific Scripture, first establish that the friend acknowledges that the Word of God is true, unerring, and essential. Many do not, and without this baseline, any conversation is just based on personal bias and opinion.

After that, Google is your friend. There are lots of Scripture verses which are unequivocal about this.

What if someone feels no guilt about porn because it has become a habit?

Ask God to awaken their conscience and talk to them about their spiritual relationship. You can also tell them the facts about the dangers of porn. Pray for them. 

I can’t stop watching it. How do I quit?

It is a very difficult journey, yet many have found hope, help and handles that help them gain ground in this battle.

This will take a combination of:

• Spiritual warfare
  – Know that porn is spiritual oppression.
  – Then, have a devoted and reverential heart, and an enjoyment of prayer and the Word.
• Practical approaches
  – Have filters on your computer such as Covenant Eyes and other tech filters like SafeSearch on Google. And be disciplined in your Internet use.
  – Replace porn with something healthy and that makes you feel good, such as taking up a new hobby (cooking, gardening) or physical exercise like running, walking or cycling.
  – Develop healthy relationships and nourish your mind through good books.
• Supportive community
  Tell someone you trust of the struggle you are facing. Have accountability relationships.

And at the end of all that, maybe you will still stumble and fall. Do not resign yourself to self-condemnation. That is yet another weapon of the Accuser. Instead,

• Confess
• Repent
• Receive the forgiveness of the God of grace

And keep fighting.

What should I do if my boyfriend watches porn?

It is certainly not easy. If you can treat him without condemnation or judgement when he is honest with you, he will definitely be open to you.

However, if you think you cannot do that whenever he opens up, it is better for him to find a recovery group or an accountability group. This, too, should not be forced because he needs to personally come to realise it is a real issue.

If he does not, or will not, you will need to seriously consider the implications of his porn habit on your future together.

My husband is sexting and using video chats to interact with someone from another country. What should I do?

We are sorry you are going through this. Please do not deal with the shame or sadness in isolation. It is really important that you have a strong, understanding and supportive community to help you through this journey.

If you have a trusted Christian leader or church community, preferably a married couple, please reach out for support and help.

Confront him with gentleness. Amid your hurt, try to discern what the root causes are. Are there issues in the marriage or exceptional stresses in his life? As this is a sign of deeper problems, he needs your patience and love to overcome it.

It will not be easy, but with much faith and prayer, there is a way.

(Some resources below may be of help.)

If having sex with your spouse is allowed, then is watching porn with your marriage partner allowed?

Is sexual intimacy a time for deep connection between spouses, or a time to fulfil our carnal desires? We end up with what we set out for – binding fulfilment or an insatiable desire for more.

How do we differentiate between porn (man created) and sexuality (God given)? God-given sex is in the marital relationship. Beyond that, it is sexual immorality. Porn is a vision of sex (usually tied in with masturbation) beyond the marriage bed.

From 1 Corinthians 7:2-4: “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

Why is it wrong to use masturbation to relieve stress and help with sleep?

There are many things that we can do that have positive physical benefits, but which Scripture speaks caution over.

For example, many turn to intoxication by alcohol to relieve stress. In a similar vein, are we using the excuse of masturbation as a “medical solution” for stress relief and sleep?

The Bible tells us instead that our “bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit” and to “honour God with your bodies”. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

As a single Christian, how should I handle my sexual urges?

The answers are the same, single or married. Realise that it is a spiritual oppression, find practical approaches and have a supportive community. These are means to curb behaviour.

Dealing with the root of the issue – why you are looking at pornography – is also important. Those darker desires within should be revealed and confessed.

How do I take practical steps to guide my young son who has no exposure to sex yet?

Importantly, help him to nurture a healthy view and respect for women’s bodies. One of the best things you can do for him is to model what a loving, godly marriage looks like so he has something to aspire to.

My six-year-old accidentally stumbled upon porn while using someone’s mobile phone. What should I do? 

Try not to make too big a deal out of it to begin with. If you do, you run the risk of piquing her curiosity in the forbidden fruit.

However, consider – at a separate timing – asking some related questions in a more general manner. For example, if you see an advertisement with skimpily dressed models, you may want to ask her how that makes her feel.

Where to get help for pornography

• Real Talk: Exposing 10 Myths About Love & Sexuality
• Celebrate Recovery: [email protected]
• Resources from Dr Josh McDowell: https://www.josh.org/resources/sexrelationships/#sexuality
• Flesh Series (for men): https://www.cru.org/us/en/train-and-grow/life-andrelationships/men/flesh.html
• Desire Series (for women): https://www.cru.org/us/en/train-and-grow/life-andrelationships/women/desire/introduction.html
• Resources available from Cru Singapore: media.cru.org.sg
• Beggar’s Daughter https://beggarsdaughter.com/
• Covenant Eyes: https://www.covenanteyes.com/
• Protect Young Minds: protectyoungminds.org/
• Fight The New Drug: https://fightthenewdrug.org/
• Pastor Randy Khoo (The People’s Bible Church): [email protected]

“I was just searching up Barbie videos”: A teen talks about her early exposure to porn on Salt&Light Family Night

Why addiction to pornography is so insidious: A counsellor shares the challenges