The wives – more than half of the participants – outnumbered the husbands at Salt&Light Family Night this week (Mar 30).

Their questions spoke of longing and heartache: Is it okay if my spouse doesn’t want to tell me anything about his/her activities? How do I get my spouse to spend more time with me? I feel uncomfortable with my husband’s interaction with his female colleague. Any advice?

The polls revealed honest intent. Up to 80% wanted to be transparent with their spouses. But nearly half – 40% – were “not sure what accountability looks like”.

More than 140 participants, including one from Brunei, logged on to join this month’s Salt&Light Family Night session: How can I be accountable in my marriage?

On the panel were three men in various stages of their marriage and family life:

• Jonathan Cho, 33, is a lawyer who deals with dispute resolution as part of his work. He has been married for six years and is a father to a 13-month-old and a three-year-old.
• Elijah Sim, 52, is a Senior Therapist at Counselling and Care Centre who regularly walks with couples. He has been married for 20 years and has two children aged 14 and 12.
• Jason Wong, 58, is a centre manager at The Salvation Army. He has been married for 27 years and his children are 26 and 24.    

They came together to share with authenticity and wisdom their experiences of being accountable in their marriages. Here are some of the viewers’ questions and the panellists’ replies.

What does accountability in marriage look like?

For Cho, accountability is the ability to tell his wife what he has been doing with his time, where he has been and who he has met.

“If, at any point in time, I am unable to or I find myself stumbling, asking, ‘Should I tell her this or not?’, that is a red flag for me to think, ‘Why can’t I tell my wife?’”

Lawyer Jonathan Cho believes that accountability is being able to tell his wife what he does and who he has met. Photo courtesy of Jonathan Cho.

“It’s the idea of not only being accountable in marriage but accountable for our marriage.”

Wong added that accountability in a marriage also means being accountable to God.

“I see accountability very much in the light of my walk with the Lord. I need to walk with the Lord knowing that I love Him and, when you love the Lord, you want to obey Him.

“I see accountability also in terms of the fear of the Lord. There is also the fact that God is a God to be feared. I need to have reverent fear of Him. So, the issue of the fear of the Lord needs to be there in my life to ensure accountability.”

As leaders, accountability inside and outside of a marriage becomes especially important. Sim is mindful of that.

He said: “Being a leader puts a lot of power with us. The higher we go, the lonelier it gets. That is why it is important for leaders to be surrounded by mentors.

“I have to remind myself to be humble. One of the verses I hold to is: He must increase and I must decrease. (John 3:30). In whatever situation, I need to be mindful that it is not my ability, not my strength but the grace of the Lord that comes through in my weakness.”

The men shared 4Cs that have helped them stay accountable as fathers, husbands and leaders:

Clients

The men and women Sim journeys with at work and in church help to keep him honest. As a counsellor, Sim has seen many marriages go through rough patches – betrayal, hurts, violence and abuses.

“As I look at their lives, their experiences speak to me – if I go down that path, I know the consequences, the kind of agony that they go through.

“It stops me in my tracks. Should I not be faithful, this is what would happen to my marriage and my children.”

Covenant

Sim’s covenant with God and his covenant in his marriage are the other things he keeps in mind to safeguard his marriage.

The longer the marriage, the further away one is from the day the marriage covenant was made. That is why it is vital to keep returning to the promises pledged on that day before man and God, he said.

“Often when expectations come along in a marriage, it can become contractual. So, I have to return to the (marriage) covenant.”

Cho also explained the difference between a covenant and a contract: “A contract says if you agree to be this person to me, I agree to be this person to you.

“A covenant says that, even if you fail to be this person to me, I will continue to be this person to you.

“Knowing that this is what we have with God makes me realise that my covenant is with my wife. Even if I don’t get the response I want, my covenant with her remains.”

Children

Quoting Malachi 2:15, Sim said: “If I love my children and want them to be growing up godly, I need to be a godly man and that translates to me having a godly marriage.”

Wong agreed: “Whatever I do, my children will be looking at me and saying, ‘Is dad doing certain things behind our back that we know of and we don’t respect him anymore?’.

“I’m very mindful of the fact that my behaviour might affect the way they look at me.”

Community

Sim belongs to an accountability group of men that meets every Tuesday at dawn. In addition, he has a church group and a fathers’ group, Elijah 7000, that is part of national movement of fathers.

He believes that such groups of men are important for husbands to remain true to their marriage and faith. They provide a “place of vulnerability, authenticity and humility, where we share our life struggles with each other without any pretence or putting up a show”. 

Cho has mentors in his life to help him because he believes that “the desire for community is how God designed us to be”.

“It was taught to me that it is critical at every point to seek a mentoring relationship with somebody who is older.

“In almost every season of my life, I have come before God and said, ‘I really need wise counsel, please plant a wise, godly man that I can journey with and share with. And it has always been answered.”

Does accountability look different if one spouse is not a Christian?

The panellists maintain that accountability need not necessarily be easier if both spouses are Christians, although disputes might be reduced because of a common world view and common values.

“Having the same faith is important because that cements the relationship,” said Wong.

Must I be entirely honest in a relationship?

While there was a general desire to be honest in a marriage, some wanted to know if being completely open about struggles with temptations and sexual sins might end up being more harmful to the relationship.

“Scripture tells us to present our wives as pure and holy (Ephesians 5:25-30). That is a mandate from God,” said Cho.

“If I want to share just for the sake of getting it off my chest and so that I can feel less guilty, that is not the loving thing.

“But if I am sharing because I know the end point is that my wife will be edified by the fact that I want to be honest with her and from there we can build better, I would fall back on that principle.”

Sim agreed that this is why a men’s accountability group is necessary as a “space for confession”.

Senior therapist Elijah Sim advocated the importance of men’s accountability groups to give men a place to confess to each other and keep each other honest. Photo courtesy of Elijah Sim.

The rules are a little different for couples who are dating, though.

Said Cho: “I would aspire to have honesty like in a marriage but be aware that a dating relationship is not a marriage relationship.

Whether honesty edifies remains Cho’s principle.

Sim gave some considerations as guidelines. “How much do you know about the person you are dating, whether you could trust the person, what are you going to be honest about and can the other party take your honesty?”

Should I be transparent about my finances?

The question of joint accounts was raised, but the panellists did not prescribe dos or don’ts. Instead, they shared principles.

“Is there anything to hide?” questioned Sim.

He and his wife have a joint account as well as individual accounts. But both are willing to share with the other about how the money in their individual accounts are spent.

“Either of us can have access to the Internet banking and see what is happening there.”

It all boils down to perceptions about money, said Wong.

“What is mine, my wife can have it all. I don’t hold on to my money tightly or to what my wife spends.”

Should I be transparent about my social media use?

“Having nothing to hide is true freedom,” said Sim in answer to the question.

His wife knows the password to his accounts and he knows hers. “We have free access to even WhatsApp messages.”

The courtesy she extends him, though, is that she will not read a message that he has not first read himself.

Wong’s wife does not bother to access his messages because she is “technically challenged” but he allows his children access to his text messages because “my son and daughter do use my mobile phone”.

“I don’t’ feel uncomfortable at all. It is also a way of maintaining transparency.”

What stresses can affect a marriage and weaken it?

Said Sim, “They say love is blind but marriage opens the eyes. So, we need to be open to the reality of challenges, transitions and responsibilities, such as children and finances.”

He tells couples to be aware that these can lead to stress and conflicts. “That is where, sometimes potentially, the evil one can get a foothold on our marriages if we do not have a framework or someone to keep us accountable.”

Another factor that can be a stressor is in-laws because “you are marrying into a household”.

Wong added that knowing that the household your spouse comes from is probably very different from yours, and making accommodations for that difference in a marriage, can defuse conflicts.

“I grew up in a family where my mum is very caring. I am the last one to get married though I am not the youngest. We are a close-knit family.

Jason Wong has learnt to accept that his wife is different from him because she was brought up differently. He believes  acceptance of the differences is important to minimise conflicts. Photo courtesy of Jason Wong.

“My wife comes from a big family. They don’t shower a lot of care and concern on the children. That set the difference.”

Once, he would have wanted his wife to change. But he has since learnt another way to deal with the differences. “Oftentimes I go to the Lord in prayer and say, ‘Lord, I cannot change her. I leave it to You.’

“I begin to realise that, when the Lord moved me into marriage, it is to enjoy the marriage but also to mould me so that I can become a better person, more like Christ.”

He said an eternal perspective of marriage has helped.

“The Bible says that, when we go to heaven, there are no marriages but the marriage of the Lamb, of Christ being the Bridegroom and we are the bride (Revelation 19:6-9). I am looking forward to that.

“That helps me to focus my eyes on the Lord and on walking with Him and that changes a lot of things.

“When I desire the Lord, He makes me a better person, a better husband, a better father.”

How close should married men and women friends be?

One popular question amongst the participants had to do with friendships with the opposite sex.

Some wanted to know if such platonic relationships were acceptable. Some worried about their spouses’ close relationships with the opposite sex. Others worried about their own relationships with the opposite sex.

To know if such relationships might compromise a marriage, Cho offered this tip.

“If something were to happen in our lives – whether a high or a low – who is the first person you want to share this with? Is it your spouse, or someone else?

“Are there some things that you feel you can share with that friend but not your wife or husband?

“Marriage should take priority in such matters. That is something I rely on.”

Sim offered another tip: “If I cannot tell my wife about the person, then something is not right about the friendship. Then I don’t want to continue that platonic relationship.

“If I can’t pray for this person with all my heart, then I need to be careful.”

The men believe in building what Cho calls “buffers” which he distinguishes from boundaries.

“When we ask, ‘Where do I draw the line?’ It can come from the place of, okay, I will walk up to the line and stop there.

“Where relationships are concerned, we need to know, not just what the boundaries are, but to provide enough buffers so we won’t cross boundaries, so there is a gap.”

Sim shared an example of a buffer: Have group exchanges rather than one-on-one conversations.

He warned that attraction need not always be physical. People can be attracted to the intellect as well.

“Some of us might say, ‘This is a good conversation, I am attracted to this kind of conversation. If we are very attracted to this platonic friend and if we are not careful, one thing may be lead to another.”

As for discomfort about a spouse’s close relationship with someone of the opposite sex, Cho said: “Letting your spouse know how you feel is an important first step.

“But if you have said what you need to say, what more can you do? Perhaps think of other ways you can articulate your concern. Is it the fact that this person exists, or is it that your spouse is talking to this person in that way but not to you?” 

How can we encourage our spouse to spend more time with us?

One participant shared her struggles with a spouse who seems to be addicted to gaming so that “we don’t spend quality time any more”.

Wong encouraged her to find out why her husband seems to be gaming so much. “Gaming is way of escape. What is he seeking?

“Try to understand him a bit more. Come from the angle that your husband needs help and support.”

Added Sim: “If you are hurting, apart from prayer, reach out for help. Your husband may not be ready, may deny there is any problem at all.”

Maintaining the spark in the marriage may help spouses want to spend more time with each other.

Sim gives his wife a goodbye hug every morning. He explained: “Every morning before my children go to school, I hug them. It came to a point where my wife says, ‘All I need is a one-minute hug.’

“That alone may not be a candlelit-dinner kind of spark, but it can do some magic.”

For Wong, tending to his wife’s emotions is key. “Emotion is a strong driving force. My wife teaches in the prison and sometimes I give her advice but she says, ‘I don’t need you to counsel me, I just need you to listen to me.’

“So, I’ve learnt to ask, ‘How I could be with her and attend to her emotions and feelings?’”

Cho tries to set aside a couple of minutes each day to share his day with his wife and listen to her talk about her day, even if it seems “very mundane” and “the last thing we want to do”.

These moments sometimes build up to extended times of conversation. “Then we go, ‘Man, I am so grateful for you. I thank God I have someone like you to journey with.”

Being grateful, then, is the other thing Cho practises to maintain his marriage. “There are so many things going on in a marriage and we tend to focus on the difficult parts. Constantly consider, instead, what you can be grateful for in your spouse.”

In closing, Wong encouraged: “We are called to be faithful, we are not called to be successful.”

Citing the parable of the 10 talents (Luke 19:11-27), Wong talked about how it is not how well we have done but how faithful we have been with what God has given us.

Added Sim: “Challenges in life will pass, but what remains is love (1 Corinthians 13).”

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