“Mommy, he threw those shoes at my stomach and it hurts!” whined my six-year-old son, who came running back from his playing, looking to me to enact justice on his behalf.

A small part of me was tempted to tell him to throw the shoes right back.

Thankfully, none of my primal instincts kicked in.

I had already spent too much of my life fighting against pain and injustice in my own way, only to learn that the sense of control anger gives us is simply a fantasy.

All in a day’s mischief

Like myself, you may have wondered if there were a better way to stop your child from being bullied without being a pushover.

Should bullies be forgiven, or do they need to be taught a lesson?

I’m here to offer a perspective from the other side.

You see, I had spent much of my child- and teenage-hood as a bully.

In kindergarten, my classmate said something I didn’t like, so I cut her hair and skirt with a pair of scissors.

In primary school, I would carry on this streak of making other people’s lives as miserable as I could: Tearing up their books, physically hurting them, taking their money and belongings without asking …

… All in a day’s mischief.

As I grew older, those bullying tactics only became more pernicious.

A troubled soul

As a result, I had acquaintances, but little to no friends.

A common phrase I used to hear was: “My mommy said I cannot talk to you.”

Back then, I did not know why those words angered me so much.

In fact, anger was the main theme for most of my pre-Christian life. Yet I did not know why, or how to process my feelings in a healthy way.

I have since realised that my complicated home life had much to do with it.

My parents had separated and I never felt good enough for either of them. In my childish mind, our family unit of three just wasn’t worth the work of staying together.

I wasn’t worth the work.

These internalised ideas about my identity led to very low self-esteem and a need to take charge.

Mindy and her family in a recent photo. She often tells her older children Brendan and Lauren that they have to be patient and careful with people who have yet to learn how to behave. Photos courtesy of Mindy Wang.

The negative behaviours displayed were symptoms of a troubled soul.

Although none of these insights can ever excuse the offences made towards my former victims, self-examination helped me to understand that the cliché “hurt people hurt people”, is indeed true.

This taught me to look beyond the surface and recognise that, under a bully’s spikes, lies a soul in desperate need of God’s love.

How are you?

Once, I got into a fist fight with a classmate of mine.

When I saw her mother in school the next day, I fully expected a sound scolding.

To my surprise, her mother did not mention the fight at all and simply asked me: “How are you?”

She caused me further confusion as she told me she had some gifts she’d like to give to me the next time we met.

It seemed as though she hoped that her daughter and I could be friends instead of foes.

I was especially touched by that encounter because it was so out of the ordinary.

Her testimony of patience and kindness left a mark on me that did not come to fruition until years later, when I eventually accepted Christ into my heart.

Drawn to the troublemakers

After I became a Christian, I would volunteer in children or teen camps. There, I found myself drawn to the troublemakers – the ones whose spikes seemed to remind me of my own.

Though some were crude in their words and actions, I understood that hurt people need love, most of all.

I knew from my past that admonishment and harsh punishment would only backfire.

Yet the encounter with my classmate’s mother taught me to establish relationships founded on patience and kindness.

Then my kids arrived on the scene, and I felt like I was finally faced with the ultimate test of my philosophies.

It is one thing to deal with bullies on your own, and another from a point of authority.

Now I had to impart to my children the words and a plan of action to deal with bullies on their own, or even on behalf of others.

Trust in a higher authority

Sometimes they ask me why other kids behave badly. I return with questions such as: “Do you ever behave badly? Why? How do you know the right way to behave?”

The answers they gave were illuminating. “Yes … Sometimes I forget … Because you guys (mom and dad) teach us.”

Through such conversations, they learnt that there were people who were not as fortunate as they were, to have engaged parents, or parents at all.

Brendan (in red socks) at soccer practice. Mindy says that teaching her kids how to deal with bullies is the “ultimate test” of her philosophies.

Their exposure to the brokenness of this world gave me an opportunity to talk about how it affected them, and what they could do to break this vicious cycle of anger.

I explained that, just as their baby brother had not learnt how to walk and so we all have to be patient and careful with him, we also had to be patient and careful with people who still had not learnt how to behave.

Rather than perpetuating hatred through vengeful thoughts and actions, patience and kindness provides the best conditions in which we can watch the Lord’s work take root and flourish into new growth.

Other times, when my children cry to me about how somebody called them names, I remind them to stand in the truth.

“He called me a stinky pig!”

“Is that true? Are you a stinky pig?”

“No. He’s telling lies.”

“That’s right. You can tell him you’re a little girl and to stop calling you names.”

I thank them for telling me about the incident instead of fighting back on the spot.

This signals trust in a higher authority, just as we are told to have in Romans 12:19:

“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.'”

Following in His cross-carrying footsteps

Admittedly, there are many days when I do not get any of it right. When I feel at a loss for words and actions.

Yet those are the best days to come clean to those questioning eyes and say: “I don’t know. Let’s pray about it.”

As parents, our protective instinct draws our attention to stopping and preventing any hurt that threatens our children.

Even so, it is our privilege as Christians to turn our eyes upon Jesus, who helps us to see others as He sees them. To follow in His cross-carrying footsteps to everlasting redemption.

There my six-year-old son stands, still smarting from a pair of shoes thrown at him, awaiting my answer.

“That must have hurt,” I say.

“Yeah, and I told him to stop.”

“Well, good.”

“Hurt people hurt people” may be a cliché, but it is true, says Mindy, who now teaches her children to break the vicious cycle of anger. “It is our privilege as Christians to turn our eyes upon Jesus, who helps us to see others as He sees them.”

“Alright. Well, I’m going to play with something else now,” he goes, skipping off with determination.

Another day, another battle. But there are no victims here.

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