To celebrate Valentine’s Day this year, Peter Cheng booked a table for two at French restaurant Brasserie Les Saveurs in The St Regis Singapore and took his wife out for a quiet, relaxing dinner.

The 60-year-old did not buy her any flowers, but Ng Siew Bee did not mind in the slightest. The date went exactly the way she had imagined. 

How did Peter know to plan such a perfect evening for his wife? You might attribute it to the fact that they have been married for over three decades. But the couple would tell you otherwise.

“We have a practice where my wife doesn’t wait for me to surprise her. If she wants something, she just tells me and I’ll get it done,” said Peter. “I’m not the brightest of the lot, so I really appreciate that!”

It is this straightforward communication – as well as God’s grace, they are quick to add – that has helped their marriage go the distance, enabling them to say 33 years and two grown children later: “We are quite happily married!”

At a time when divorce is on the rise and marital strife seems to abound, what can we do to keep our marriages healthy, happy and strong?

This Valentine’s Day, Salt&Light sat down with three seasoned couples – with a total of 60 years of marriage experience combined – who shared the top ingredient that has preserved and flavoured their lifetime commitment to their spouse.

1. Communicating your desires is not unromantic 

When Siew Bee wants something, she is sure to communicate her desires to her husband, Peter Cheng, instead of waiting for him to surprise her. Photo courtesy of the Chengs.

Isn’t it unromantic if you have to spell out for your husband what to do to make you happy?

Absolutely not, said Siew Bee, adding that men and women often do not think in the same way. “I’ve learnt that whatever I want, just speak up. Just communicate. Just tell,” she said.

She does not mind having to tell her husband what she wants as there are many things he does for her that fills her love tank, such as buying her favourite food when he’s out and giving her a peck on the cheek before he leaves for work. 

“These little, little things are romantic too. It doesn’t always have to be the big things,” she said.

Communicating her desires is, in fact, something that her husband greatly appreciates.

“In the early days I would try to surprise her and I would end up being surprised myself!” he said of his plans backfiring.

While Siew Bee makes an effort to communicate her thoughts and desires, be it about her expectations or her opinions, Peter makes it a point to listen and make a note of it.

It is only when you truly listen to your spouse that you will get to know and understand them better, which paves the way for better surprises in the future, he added.

“Surprises are not good when you don’t know her well enough. Knowing your spouse and being able to surprise her because you know her – to me, that is romantic.”

2. Respect your spouse, even when you disagree

Mutual respect is crucial for a marriage to thrive, said Josiah Teh and Susan Siew, who have been married for close to a decade. Photo courtesy of the Tehs.

Disagreements are bound to happen in every marriage, especially when you and your partner have different personalities, styles of doing things or come from vastly different backgrounds.

This is why having respect for your spouse is so important, said Josiah Teh and Susan Siew, who will be married for nine years this June.

“There are times when I have my own way of doing things and I think it’s the best way, but I can’t assume that my way is always right. I must keep quiet and listen to her explain her point of view,” Josiah, 60, said.

He admitted that it is not easy to take into account his wife’s point of view, especially when he is convinced that his way is right. However, he has come to realise – after calming himself down and listening to her – that her insights are extremely valuable.

“Loving another person is not easy, but respect is very important. If you respect the other person, you would at least listen to them,” he said.

For Susan, 58, she shows her respect for her husband by communicating her thoughts kindly instead of brusquely insisting on her way during disagreements.

For example, there was one incident when they lost their car keys while in Malacca. While Susan felt that it would be better to pay money for a professional to do it, Josiah preferred to call up his old friends in Malaysia to help him open the lock.

Before he became a Christian, Josiah had been in and out of jail for drugs and gangsterism, and had dealings in Malaysia as well.

“He wanted to call his friends so he could save money. But, to me, if he does this then he’s obliged to return the favour. And once you open this door again, it’s very difficult to shut it,” Susan explained.

“I didn’t say no or oppose him right away. I let him make a few calls first before I shared with him my thoughts. And whatever he decides, I’ll respect and submit to him,” she said, adding that she appreciated that he listened to her point of view.

Nevertheless, the couple confessed that not all disagreements are handled so gracefully. Whenever arguments do arise, however, they will take time to pray on their own before feeling convicted to apologise to the other for speaking too loudly or jumping to conclusions.

“For issues that are more serious, we’ll pray together because we always remember that this marriage is orchestrated by God,” said Josiah.

His wife added: “Ultimately God is our mediator, the one who can mend all our hurts and pains, so we go to Him.”

3. Commitment is more valuable than feelings of love

Their commitment to each other and their family has helped Nelson Lo and Sophie Quah to weather the uncertainties of life. Photo courtesy of the Los.

Unlike what romantic movies may tell us, a strong marriage is fuelled not by dizzying feelings of love, but the gritty, hard work of commitment.

“The feeling of love can easily wane especially after the honeymoon period, but commitment will drive the relationship forward even if the feeling fades,” said Nelson Lo, 54.

This commitment is what has sustained his marriage with his wife, Sophie Quah, for the past 20 years. The pair has two teenage children, aged 18 and 16.

“Sometimes there are disagreements or misunderstandings, but because of our commitment to each other, we want to forgive and let it go so that we can continue to grow individually and also together in our marriage,” added Sophie, 47.

Their commitment extends to important family decisions as well.

For example, there was a time when they had to decide where they wanted to raise their family – Singapore, where Sophie is from, the Philippines, where Nelson is from, or another Asian country where they were doing mission work at the time.

After many conversations, they decided to raise their family in Singapore. However, Sophie still felt unsure about whether it was the right decision.

When she shared her feelings with her husband, Nelson assured her that what was more important was committing to the decision they had made, as well as remaining committed to each other and their family, come what may.

They also committed their decision to God, trusting that He would lead them and provide for them.

This assurance helped Sophie to feel more comforted and at peace moving forward.

“We back each other up and come alongside each other. Once we’ve made a decision, we’re in it together and we’ll support one another,” she said.

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