The man was in his 40s and married, but had become close friends with a woman.

They were never physically intimate. They would holiday together alone, sharing a room though not a bed.

So attached was he to her that he became very concerned about her career progression, even offering to sponsor her further studies.

Yet, he maintained that it was a relationship that was “above board”.

He never spoke of the relationship with his wife and, when encouraged to do so, balked at the suggestion.

Benny Bong shared this story to illustrate how people can have different definitions of an affair. The director and principal consultant of The Family Therapist, a counselling and training agency, Benny has more than 30 years of experience as a therapist, trainer and consultant, and has worked with government and private institutions, as well as volunteer welfare organisations.

Speaking at the “Marital Recovery in the Face of Infidelity” webinar organised as part of the Singapore Bible College Counselling Week 2023 earlier this year, he mapped out a clear understanding of infidelity, because recovering from it requires knowing what it is and how it progresses.

Benny Bong shared from his experience as a counsellor on what an affair is and how it develops. Photo courtesy of Singapore Bible College.

What is an affair?

There are different terms that more accurately describe what is colloquially called an “affair”:

• Extramarital affairs usually refer to relationships with someone who is not a person’s spouse that involves a deep relationship, often with sexual intimacy – though this may not always be the case.
• Extramarital sex is when a person has sexual intercourse with someone not their spouse. It may not always be with the same individual, and the presence of a relationship is not always essential.
• Extramarital relationships involve two parties in a close relationship where sex is not an element. They may not even have much physical contact with each other.
• Extramarital involvement includes non-clinical sexual intimacies and extramarital emotional involvement, and this may not necessarily even be with a living entity. The relationship may be with an avatar or a computer programme.

“The definition encompasses individuals who may be involved in communicating with another individual over the Internet, over a device and they may have a relationship with them over time,” said Benny.

However it is defined, affairs always include the “element of hiding something from one spouse because it may represent in them a betrayal of sorts in the relationship”.

How prevalent are affairs?

Of those who go for counselling, 1 in 4 already have the problem of infidelity in their marriage. A further 30%, or close to 1 in 3, go into counselling to deal with other issues, only to discover that there has been unfaithfulness in the marriage.

“So if you look at it, it’s almost one out of every two couples who come in to counselling having this problem,” said Benny.

Quoting the results of a survey in 2021 from Health Testing Centres, Benny said that 46% of marriages were found to have been affected by infidelity.

Effects of affairs

An affair affects the person who discovers the affair, the infidel or the person in the affair, and any children they may have.

• Those betrayed by the affair

For the one hurt by the affair, “it’s an emotional roller-coaster”, Benny said.

“It’s something that you have very little control over. There are ups and downs.

“There are moments where you feel it is the end of the world, moments where you feel so consumed by anger, moments where you feel like having the wind knocked out of you.

“You feel depressed, sad. Trust is broken. The ability to communicate with your partner becomes difficult. Cycles of conflict may happen.”

• Children in the marriage

Children may experience a breakdown of relationships. They may be forced to side with the hurt party. Their opinions of the infidel may alter and include feelings of shame or a loss of respect.

Children, too, are affected by a breakdown in their parents’ marriage. Photo by Lucas Metz on unsplash.com.

Not knowing how to handle their feelings, they may withdraw from the pain or the conflict. In the midst of the fighting and instability at home, they may also be neglected.

• The infidel

The guilty party may come across as cold and hard instead of being “consumed” by guilt and remorse as most would expect.

“They may be bereft of feelings. Having gone through so much, they are just emotionally drained.”

Those who have gone astray may have loss of self-esteem, as well as experience a loss of moral authority and be unable to lead the family or provide stability. There may be sadness and grief over the loss of a relationship and support base.

“Others may know of the affair and now may feel that they just need to take a bit of a distance from the person.”  

Why affairs happen

Most people want to know why an affair happens in order to repair the marriage or to prevent them from happening again. This is understandable and sometimes helpful.

But there are those who believe that there is a need to go beyond the symptoms – the affair – to look at “the circumstances that may have led to the affair”, Benny offered.

Looking at the root cause requires some care so as not to justify the betrayal and add more pain to the hurt party.

“Some counsellors may also say it’s a distraction from the work that is needed to be done in the end.

“So, instead of the internal working on ‘how to be more responsible in terms of my behaviour’, the work now shifts to ‘how can this be a more equitable relationship’.”

Despite this, the question “why” needs to be answered and this can be found in looking at “what the affair is supposed to communicate”.

• Conflict-avoidance affair

Some people have difficulties in their marriage they are unwilling or unable to address. They have an affair as a way to “raise the issue to a point where it’s impossible to avoid”.

“I remember one couple whom I saw,” Benny shared. “They went to counselling because of an affair on the part of the husband and this is several months after the affair.

“The wife said, ‘I’ve learned many things about you because of the affair, because of counselling. I’ve learned that I have not been close to you. I’ve been kind of ignoring you.

“ ‘But did you really have to have an affair to highlight this painful way of getting attention and intimacy?’ ”

• Intimacy-avoidance affair

This is an affair started by someone who does not want to need his or her spouse too much.

“The individual becoms suddenly aware that they have got all their eggs almost in one basket,” Benny described.

“ ‘You are meeting all of my needs for closeness. I feel very vulnerable because if anything should happen, you should leave, we have a breakup, then that’s the end.

“ ‘I don’t know if I can rebuild this or have the capacity to form another relationship.’ ”

• Sexual-addiction affair

Those who have such affairs are never satisfied with one sexual partner. They may have extramarital sex with a number of partners.

• Empty nest affair

This happens when couples have children who are all grown up and discover that they no longer know how to connect with each other. According to Benny, the syndrome becomes: “ ‘I’m stuck with you.

“ ‘I can’t think of any other alternative but this relationship doesn’t satisfy me.’

“So they look for something outside of the marriage because to leave the marriage is not something they want.”

• Out-of-the-door affair

In such affairs, the infidel makes very little attempt to hide the affair. They want to be discovered because they want to be thrown out of the marriage. They may have even indicated previously that they no longer wanted to be in the marriage but had somehow remained.

• Mid-life crisis affair

This involves individuals who, at a certain stage in their lives, are questioning their potency. Their thoughts could run along the lines of: “Am I still attractive? Do I still have it in me? Will people still find me important?”

How do affairs develop?

Stage 1: Climate setting

It is assumed that some marital dissatisfaction and conflict contributes to the climate that allows affairs to take place.

Benny elaborated: “The important part is the weakening of the glue that keeps a marriage together.

“The glue can be many things. It can be the children, it can be the commitment to build a home, it can be the religious faith, it can be the strength in their relationship and how they are able to share with one another.”

Then comes the opportunity and the distraction.

Opportunities may be a situation where sexual services are readily available, wealth or power.

Distraction happens when the person is no longer focused on what builds the relationship.

Stage 2: The affair begins

In the face of an affair, the hurt party often is hoping – whether consciously or unconsciously – that the signs of infidelity they see are not true. 

Benny told of a woman who found condoms in her husband’s suitcase. When confronted, he did not deny that he had been unfaithful. Yet, she did not pursue the matter.

Some months later, she found Viagra in his suitcase. His reply was that he had bought it on behalf of a friend. Again, his wife accepted his explanation.

“When the affair was finally surfaced, one could look back and say she was so naive and she should have seen the signs.

“But at that point, that was not what she saw. This is not uncommon.

“It’s almost like, ‘This is too unreal for me to accept the fact that my spouse could be doing this.’ ”

Stage 3: The revelation

This is when denial is impossible.

“Oftentimes, the revelation comes as a consequence of a series of discoveries,” said Benny.

“It’s almost like watching a cat-and-mouse game – picking up clues, confronting and then the infidel denying and instead of stopping, they go for something else as outlandish as before, in terms of their behaviour.”

Stage 4: Crisis

The revelation reaches a crisis when emotional, psychological and social upheaval erupt.

The couple’s response can range from making very quick adjustments – moving out, talking to people – to fundamental shifts such as changing jobs in an effort to fix the marriage.

Stage 5: Forgiveness

The last stage is forgiveness. That has to happen for recovery to take place.

Can a marriage recover from an affair? Click here for Part 2 of the coverage of the webinar, “Marital Recovery in the Face of Infidelity”.

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