Eliza Althea Lim Chen Xi came into the world on December 28 in the thick of the COVID pandemic of 2020. Her parents, Ps Jacob Lim and Charmaine, had waited for her to come into their lives for many years. She was their belated Christmas gift.

Charmain and Ps Jacob with baby Eliza.

In Part 1, Salt&Light traced the Lim’s journey from the conception to the birth of their daughter. This is Part 2 of their story.

The long wait

Eliza was born with rare heart defect – pulmonary atresia. Her pulmonary valve, located between the right ventricle and the pulmonary artery, did not form. So blood could not be pumped from her heart to her lungs to get oxygen to the body.

Eliza (in Charmaine’s arms) never left the hospital after she was born.

Delivered at 31 weeks, she weighed just 1.4kg and was immediately whisked away to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). There, she was attached to machines that helped her breathe, monitored her condition and fed her. She had to be hospitalised till she hit 2.5kg and could undergo surgery to fix her faulty heart valve. Only then could she be discharged.

Every day in the hospital was a rollercoaster ride of “waiting and hoping” for the Lims. Some days, Eliza fed well and put on weight. Some days, she could not keep down her milk and lost weight.

As a premature baby, Eliza also had all the attendant medical issues including underdeveloped lungs and retinopathy of prematurity, the abnormal growth of blood vessels in the eyes.

“There was a lot of drama. Intubation, blood transfusion, eye dilation, scans, IV needles. It was very hard to see her going through the pain.

“It was also very scary to receive phone calls from the hospital to come down because you don’t know what they are going to tell you,” said Charmaine, 41.  

Through all this, there were also happy memories.

Recalled Ps Jacob, 43: “I would talk to her, pray with her, hold her hand. When she could get out of the incubator and was able to respond more and there were fewer wires attached to her, I was able to carry her, read to her.

Eliza was an expressive child who engaged with her parents throughout her short life.

“She could recognise me and grab firmly onto my finger. When I held her, she would stare at me. Those are the endearing moments, very sweet, very heartwarming.”

Charmaine chimed in: “She’s Daddy’s girl. When he comes to play with her, she is very happy. She’s playful. When I do flash cards with her, she gets a bit cranky, she will yawn.”

Her fight for life

By the time Eliza was five months old, she only weighed 2kg. But the doctors told the Lims they had to go ahead with the surgery. The ideal timeframe for the procedure was within the first three months after birth. They had long passed that deadline.

At five months, Eliza underwent open-heart surgery to correct her defective heart valve.

“I was quite hopeful. That means that after this first surgery, she can go home. We already prepared a room for her,” said Charmaine.

Husband and wife were also assured that the surgery, though major, was a well-established procedure with a high success rate. Though it took twice the expected four hours, Eliza’s open-heart surgery was indeed a success.

Eliza had a few surgeries in an effort to correct her congenital heart condition.

But two days after, the Lims were called into the hospital before dawn. Eliza’s heart had stopped and they had had to resuscitate her.

“From then on, it became a very stressful season. Almost every day or two, something new would happen to her.”

Eliza went through countless scans – brain, lungs, heart. She received blood transfusion after blood transfusion and was put on kidney dialysis.

Another open-heart surgery was ordered because her body did not respond well to the first device they implanted in her. Then another surgery was done because the second one did not help her. She also had to be resuscitated a few times.

Said Charmaine: “It was very difficult to see her in so much pain. After one episode of resuscitation, it was raining heavily outside and I asked God, ‘Are You crying for Eliza?’

“I thought: ‘Wow, you are six months old but you have never seen a tree, never heard a bird chirping. Things that we take for granted you never had the pleasure of experiencing.’

“She never even had her parents give her a normal bath in a bathtub. All this that a normal child goes through, she never had the opportunity. All the losses.”

Despite the medical crises, Eliza hung on. She was sedated but she could open her eyes. Doctors said she could also hear what was said to her.

Said Ps Jacob: “She couldn’t respond like she used to. But we told her she was a brave girl for always bouncing back. We told her we loved her.”

Added Charmaine: “But we also told her, ‘If God wants to take you home, if you are tired, just go.’”

After that, Eliza started to show signs of improvement. Even so, doctors told the Lims to be prepared for the worst. Thus far, only Ps Jacob and Charmaine had been allowed to visit Eliza. Now the doctors gave other family members permission to see her.

Ps Jacob also baptised her.

“We bought her a baptism dress. It was a surreal moment. She was the first child I baptised.”

A life remembered  

A month after the surgery and three weeks after being put on life support, doctors told the Lims they had to take Eliza off the machine. She had gone past the optimal two weeks on life support.

“The machine pumped blood throughout her body (to) let her heart rest in the hope that her heart can be strengthened.

“If she was off the machine, the heart may start pumping again. They knew the chances were low. We were prepared. We dressed her up that day and told her, ‘You might meet the Lord today’,” said Ps Jacob.

As the machine was switched off, Eliza’s heartbeat became fainter and fainter. Ps Jacob and Charmaine were allowed to hold her.

“We watched her fade away. I had never carried her without tubes around her. It was the first time I could carry her as she was, see her entire face without any tubes or stickers.

“She looked very peaceful, like she was sleeping. That sense that she is not suffering anymore. It was a very sad but peaceful moment. It was a scared moment,” said Charmaine, tearing at the memory.

Charmaine told Salt&Light about the light she saw throughout that dark season: “We are very thankful for our community. I’m quite introverted, very paiseh (shy) in front of people.

“But when we got to know Eliza’s condition, the news was too big to carry on our own. I knew I just had to ask people to pray for us straight away.”

Pray they did. The church in which Ps Jacob served, the one in which Charmaine worked, the churches from which both came and their Trinity Theological College (TTC) friends all prayed for Eliza throughout the six months.

“The night before the final procedure, the WSCS (Women’s Society of Christian Service) of the GC (General Conference of The Methodist Church in Singapore) organised a prayer meeting over Zoom for us,” said Ps Jacob.

Added Charmaine: “From the beginning, we were supported by our community through prayer, through presence, through food.

“At the wake, so many came. It was very healing to retell her story, to celebrate her bravery, to honour her and say her name. It kept her legacy alive.”

Despite the grief, Ps Jacob chose to conduct Eliza’s wake service.

“It was the little something I could do for her. I knew her journey best. It was therapeutic.”

The healing continues

The first year after their loss, Charmaine lived in a haze of grief. As time went by, she thought she would recover.

By the second year, she was working as a counsellor in a community hospital. Seeing people “getting poked” brought back memories of the weeks she had to be hospitalised when she was 27 weeks pregnant with Eliza.

“I had bodily sensations. I could feel it. The body remembered the trauma as much as I wanted to hide it.”

She also could not bear to look at photos of her daughter’s difficult last month in the hospital when the little girl was fighting for her life. As a trained counsellor, she knew she needed help. So she went for counselling.

“After that, I thought I was quite good. Zai (steady) already. Life per normal.”

Then she went for a silent retreat to pray about work-related issues. Instead, God spoke to her about her grief.

“I realised that I was very angry with God even though I didn’t want to. I hadn’t felt it till then. So I scolded Him and scolded Him till I had no more energy left.

“At the end of it, I remember asking God, ‘How is my Eliza now?’ And God was so kind. He gave me a vision of a baby, chubby and crawling. There was no scar, not even the open-heart surgical line. But I knew that was Eliza. God was assuring me that she was okay, she was very okay.

“That was my spiritual breakthrough with God. I could be honest with my feelings with Him. At the end of the day, all my questions may not have an answer. But all I needed to know about Eliza, I knew. She is doing good.”

Ps Jacob’s journey with grief is ongoing.

“Recovery takes time. I cannot deny God is good because of my journey (with Him) for a long time. But it still doesn’t make sense to me. I am still going through ups and downs.”

Ps Jacob is still processing his pain, but uses his personal encounter with grief and loss to minister to his congregation.

One thing that he has found comfort in was what an older pastor told him. Ps Jacob had wondered if it was something he had done wrong that had brought about such a tragedy. But the older pastor told him that God knew which parents were better able to care for a difficult child.

“He said, ‘It’s not anybody’s wrongdoing. It is just the brokenness of the world. God knew that by placing this child with this family, this child will be loved to the best of their abilities.’”

His loss has also marked his ministry. Ps Jacob has a greater empathy now for people. He is working with the lay in his church to extend care to families who have lost loved ones that goes beyond the funeral.

“I tell people, it’s okay to say, ‘I’m struggling. I’m angry with God. But always come back to God and ask the difficult questions.’”

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