Their children are all born in the month of May. Two look like mummy and two resemble daddy. Yet, none were born to them.

Dickson and Allison Lim are proud parents to the four children they adopted. On last Tuesday’s Salt&Light Family Night (October 27), they shared their story with some 100 participants on the Zoom chat show who were keen to hear about adoption and fostering.

The Lim’s decision to adopt

Dickson and Allison met in church while serving in the youth ministry. It spoke of the passion they had for children, and how they liked to share Christ with young people.

But they would not have the opportunity with their own biological children. After trying for several years and going through rounds of fertility treatments with no success, the Lims decided to adopt.

“Since we both have a soft spot for disadvantaged children and both of our families were very open to the idea, we thought: Let’s have a child who needs a home and bring the child home,” said Allison.

They did their research. They also sought out couples who had already adopted; a conversation with one, helped them make a major decision. 

“Our friend described how she was brought into a room with quite a few babies. She was supposed to identify one for herself. That left her with a very awkward feeling,” said Dickson.

“We felt that every one of those babies had already been abandoned. We couldn’t handle the thought of any one of them – if we didn’t choose them – being abandoned a second time,” said Dickson.

They prayed about their unconventional decision not to choose.

“We told God: ‘If you are the One to bring us the child, we trust that You will be the One to provide all the resources we need,” said Allison.

That Sunday, God answered – through the sermon of their senior pastor, who shared about his own family’s adoption experience.

“He also chose not to choose because it is not like buying a commodity,” said Allison. The Lims took it as a confirmation of their decision. The pastor is a “giant and a mentor” to them.

The Lims were quick to add that their decision is not a template for all couples. Because it really depends on “how the Lord works in each person’s heart”.

They are now proud parents to two daughters aged 11 and 10, and two sons aged eight and six. Together, they are known as the DNA family because all six names start with either the letter D or A.

Wanted children

The Lims easily found children to adopt because they chose not to choose. Three of their four children have special needs. Between them, they have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), mild cerebral palsy and dyslexia. 

Asked if they have ever regretted not choosing the babies they adopted, Allison’s said: “Every time we discover something that we need to do because of certain needs, I’m very grateful. Because if the child is with their natural parents, they probably would not have the resources to do so’.

“So, every time I look back, I’m going ‘God I’m so grateful that You knew and You predestined for them to be in our household’.”

Over the years, God also provided people to come alongside the Lims to help their children. An ex-student of Allison’s, now a dyslexia coach, offered to tutor the children. Years before they adopted their third child who has cerebral palsy, Allison got to know a neurosurgeon through a Bible study group in church.

“We can trace all of these back to God’s hand and God’s grace,” said Allison.

“I just marvel at how good God is and how sovereign His plan is. We are thankful that we can be His instrument to be a blessing to our children.”

The Lims have taught their four children that God is sovereign, and that He chose for all of them to be a family.

This is significant. “Because they know that ‘I am a wanted child. I was chosen and brought to this household by God’. Because of that, everybody felt equally special. Because God is the one who handpicked us,” said Allison.

Adopting has also given the Lims a deeper understanding of what it means to be adopted into God’s family.

Said Allison: “The old has gone, the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17). By God’s grace, we have a chance to rewrite their and our destinies. 

“So when we see how each of our children blossoms and how each one loves the other, that gives us a peek into how God brought us from darkness into the light.”

The following are some answers to questions on adoption raised during Salt&Light Family Night.

Is adoption expensive?

Adoption can cost anything between $20,000 and $30,000. This includes fees paid to the adoption agency as well as legal costs. A less expensive route would be to work without an agency and to find your own child to adopt.

Adopting children through the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) can be free. There are always children who are harder to place because they are either older or have special needs.

But Vivienne Mok who works with MSF reminded: “You are adopting not to meet your own needs. You are adopting to meet that child’s need because that child needs a family.” Vivienne and her husband David Mok also shared their fostering journey during the Zoom session.

What is the adoption process like?

Before adoption can take place, a home study needs to be made. This involves a series of interviews conducted by appointed agencies in Singapore. It may take between four to six months, including waiting time. The home study report is valid for two years and only good for one adoption.

Meanwhile, couples can look for a child. This could take anything from a week to months.

Once a child is found, it could take another six months to complete the legal process and necessary health checks.

Click here to find out more about the adoption process in Singapore.

How do you find the right adoption agency?

Adoption agencies are not regulated. So it was important for the Lims to find out about the agency’s approach to adoption. 

“It gave us a lot of assurance that they were not trading. It is not a business,” said Dickson.

Added Allison: “I asked (the agent): ‘What encourages you to continue in this line of work?’ He said that he loves that he can place children in a homes with the best fit possible.

The agent also aimed to match children to adoptive parents they resembled, to ward off questions from people. “It’s more for the sake of the child.”

Their confidence in the agent’s belief systems and values helped the Lims to decide to work with the agency for each of their four adoptions.

Can I work full-time and still adopt?

Allison is a principal of a primary school. As her family grew, she contemplated becoming a stay-home mum.

“We discussed a lot and we prayed. “We have to clear of what God is calling me to do?”

She believes that “I’m still called to be where I am”.

“I trust the Lord that if You have called me, You will give me the resources. You will enlarge my tent. You will give me each day, what I need to do my best.

“In this posture, I am rested and will not feel very guilty that I should be giving more time (to my kids).”

She believes this decision will vary from person to person, depending on how God calls.

Can I adopt if I am single?

Singles wishing to adopt are assessed on a case-by-case basis. Though single men wishing to adopt girls may come under greater scrutiny. In addition, the age gap between adoptive parents and the child is capped at 50 years. So, a 55-year-old couple, for example, can only adopt children five years and older.

Is raising adopted children different from raising biological ones?

The Lims believe parenting is the same, whether the kids are biological or adopted.

“Other than the way that they arrive, every step of the way is the same,” said Dickson.

The only difference, perhaps, is telling their children that they are adopted. Which the Lims did as soon as the children could understand.

Dickson encouraged fathers who do not think they are paternal by sharing that he grew up not being “huggy”. He had confessed to his wife that when the kids dashed to hug him, he did not feel his “heart leaping for joy” because hugging did not come naturally to him.

Their oldest child is now 11.

“Eleven years on, I have learnt to hug. And to not just show that affection, but to allow myself to be blessed by their affection. And that has done something in me. I’m a very different father now.

“So sometimes, it is not only about what you can do for (the children), but what they can do for you if you allow God. And hopefully, that manages our expectations and allows God more room to transform all of us.”

MORE STORIES ON ADOPTION AND FOSTERING:

Just waiting: The state of fostering in Singapore

Choosing to love: What to know if you’re thinking of adopting or fostering

“Stop your mourning, stand up and fight!” God told couple who were struck with cancer one after another

“Stop your mourning, stand up and fight!” God told couple who were struck with cancer one after another