It is not uncommon to hear of young adults who decide to leave the Christian faith. Many see the suffering in this world and rule out the idea of a loving God. Others don’t feel they need God to live a fulfilled life. And not a few abandon God as an act of independence from godly parents. 

Once, a mother came to me in her despair: “He used to be so active in church. We thought he would be a Pastor someday. But now he says my religion is nonsense.”

This lady and her husband were church leaders who brought up their son “in the ways of the Lord”. They were wise parents, neither overly strict nor indulgent, but gentle and generous in representing the God they worshipped.

Being a parent myself, I could feel their disappointment when the young man returned from university one day declaring: “I don’t believe in God anymore”.

How do we respond to such a revelation, as parents who have given our best to raise children in the faith? What can we do to turn them back to God? What if they never turn back?

Having asked these questions myself and met others who did the same, I offer three Don’ts and four Do’s that could bring hope and recover faith. 

Don’t panic.

Why? Because your panicking will prove to your child that God is not real. The last thing we want to do is add fear and despair into the atmosphere.

Your child knows that he has just dropped a bombshell and wants to see your reaction. Don’t overreact. If he has made up his mind, an emotionally charged response is more likely to cement his resolve and weaken communication lines.

Rather than panic, let God be your peace. Infuse faith into a faithless situation.

Don’t blame yourself.

The abandonment of faith is a complex process that cannot be determined or attributed simplistically.

Parents may make mistakes that contribute to a child’s decision, but the choice for or against God is ultimately personal.

Self-blame is a natural response, but it is neither biblical nor helpful (it could be perceived as emotional blackmail). Instead, recognise that your child has entered adulthood and must now take responsibility for his relationship with God.

Don’t give up.

The story of your child’s faith has not ended. It has entered a new chapter.

The road ahead may be uncertain but our hope is in the God who gave us life and children in the first place. Our child’s will disappoint and grieve us, yet the God whom they have left has not left them or us.

The conclusion of the matter remains a mystery. Meanwhile, let us not give up but give thanks (1 Thess. 5:18). We do what we can: We talk, we adapt, we reflect, and we live! 

Do talk.

Keep talking to your children even after the topic of faith has closed (for now). Life goes on. There are many topics of conversation (work, people, food, hobbies) that could eventually lead back to faith.

But be patient. Be genuinely interested in what interests them. Unconditional love enters a whole new level when they are not expected to pay back our love by embracing our faith. They want to be loved with no strings attached. Without realising it, they are hungering for the love of God.

There is yet hope. Keep listening to the cry of their hearts. Then tell them the Good News again when it’s time. It may take years. But keep talking.

Do adapt.

Some parents fail to realise that the old ways of relating to their child have expired. “Because I say so” does not work anymore. “Because God says so” will not be accepted without question.

The fact that our young adults still live with us makes little difference. We are tempted to hard-sell God to compensate for our overdue hospitality. But that only backfires – they will move out the soonest they can.

Let us learn to adapt as we rediscover the meaning of parental authority, mutual respect, and personal responsibility through their eyes. Truth be told, it is near impossible for them to enter our world. We must enter theirs, and bring faith back in.

Do reflect.

Paradoxically, our children’s loss of faith might become for us a season of growth and greater self-awareness.

Faced with the “failure” of a wayward son or daughter, we realise the substance of our selfhood. Am I still loved if I messed up as a parent? Do I measure my worth by my child’s faith or lack of it? Why am I afraid of telling others that he has abandoned God?

And my arguments with her regarding God: Are they more about my insecurity than her eternity?

These are humbling questions, which we can receive as a gift from our Father who is also teaching us faith.

Do live!

The best way to guide our children back to the faith is to continue living in faith – faith in the God who watches over them, whether they watch for Him or not.

This means that we lead our life normally, rather than to let our child’s choices incapacitate us. Celebrate life. Continue to build your marriage. Take care of your health – physical, mental, spiritual. Seek to glorify God and flourish in your vocation and ministry. When trials come – and they will – overcome them with the help and hope of God. Your child, no matter how old, is watching your life. The best thing you can do for his faith is to continue living out yours.

The parable of the prodigal son ends like this: 

“But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.” (Luke 15:32, NIV)

This story gives us hope that no matter how far our child has strayed, he can return. In God, the dead can rise and the lost be found.

The Pharisees did not believe that waywardness could be rewarded with a fattened calf, and the abandonment of God could end up with angels singing. But with God, nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37).

A prayer for parents whose child has left the faith (for now). 

Lord, I put my faith in You. Help me not to panic, blame myself, or give up on my child. He has left You, but You are still with him. Grant me the grace and wisdom to keep on listening, growing, and living. Meanwhile, would You bring people of faith into his path to light up the way? Would You protect him from harm’s way? Father, bring this child back to You in Your perfect time. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

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