Each of the four panellists at Salt&Light Family Night’s Zoom episode the State of the Family on Tuesday night (September 1) had a heartfelt, even personal, reason for championing families.

And they spoke openly about it to the 320 participants who logged in to learn how to make families stronger.

Founder of Dads for Life and chairman of Focus on the Family Singapore, Jason Wong, 56, saw first-hand how broken families led to broken lives.

Of the inmates he worked with first as Deputy Director/Chief of Staff of the Singapore Prison Service then as CEO of the Singapore Corporation of Rehabilitative Enterprises, he said: “They were men on the outside, strong on the outside but little boys on the inside. Drugs couldn’t numb their pain.

“They go to gangs to be accepted, to be affirmed. And the whole cycle keeps repeating itself. Some of their children end up in children’s home.”

Later, as Senior Director of Rehabilitation and Protection at the Ministry of Social and Family Development, Wong saw an 11-year-old boy “locked up inside the dormitory together with some of the older boys” and wondered what went on in the first 10 years of the boy’s life that got him to this state.

Pastor Ian Toh was one of four panelists who shared with 320 participants on how to strengthen the family. Photo courtesy of Pastor Ian Toh.

Wong became even more convicted that “preventive work is so important, family is so important”.

CEO of Focus on the Family Singapore Joanna Koh-Hoe, 46, “wanted to do good”. Through her work with adults with chronic psychiatric illnesses and families in trouble, she realised that “many of the problems traced back to the family”.

Both family specialist with Focus on the Family Singapore, Raphael Zhang, 35, and Pastor-in-charge of 3:16 Church, Ian Toh, 41, affirmed this, having personally experienced the impact of the family on their lives.

Said Pastor Toh who shared that he dropped out of school as a teen: “I am a prodigal son coming back to God because I have very patient and loving parents.

“I have a praying mother who prays for me every day at five in the morning. I remember when I was booking into the [army] camp, I passed her bedroom with her lights still on, I could hear her praying for me.

“That is the greatest blessing any prodigal son, any prodigal daughter can have.”

Added Zhang: “I see in my own story and the stories of others how family has such a formative impact on us and I think God intended it this way.”

Here are insights shared about what can be done to strengthen families.

First, be a son

Acknowledging the difficulties men face being husbands and fathers, Pastor Toh said: “I feel for men. A lot of men are lonely, they feel helpless. They don’t know how to share or don’t have the words or competence to share emotions using language.

“We don’t know how to express frustration in a healthy way. So, we need to keep a look out for men, to pray for men, to pray with men.”

What can liberate men, and women, is what Pastor Toh learnt from Wong, his mentor: “Jason told me, ‘In order to be a father we must learn to be a son first.’ That was huge. Nobody taught me that.

“It gave me a freedom. I don’t need to be someone I’m not. I just need to be a son to God and let God work in me. We are not perfect, there are many areas to improve. That posture really liberated me.”

In turn, this freedom has helped Pastor Toh be more relational with his children. Sharing about how God allowed Adam and Eve to eat from the Tree of Life rather than the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, he said: “I use that as a figurative reminder.”

God gives life. Pastor Toh is reminded that his role as a father isn’t merely to point out the dos and don’t (knowledge) but to “speak life to my children”.

“Can I bring out the situation that allows life to be exalted and form a culture of life so they see right and wrong in that space?

“All the moral laws are given to us because of His love. When we can see our faith in the light of love, I think it helps us to be a lot more relational to our family.”

Unconditional love 

Asked how to deal with difficult teens and difficult topics, Zhang shared the importance of celebrating the little things from young.

Raphael Zhang shared about his own personal family story and how it shaped his desire to champion families. Photo courtesy of TrueLove.Is.

He painted a common scenario: “When your kid is three and they come home with silly things in their pockets and say, ‘Mummy, daddy, look what I found – a rock!’ And we are like, ‘Oh my gosh, did you wash your hands?’

“There are moments when kids are kids and they show off to their parents things that matter a lot to them. In those moment, how do you, as a parent, respond?

“If in those moments, you dismiss what they found, you don’t really want to join in their world, then over time your kids will get the consistent message that: What matters to me doesn’t really matter to you.”

Then when it comes to the things that you think really count, they would not approach you either because they “don’t even feel like: I’m safe to come to my parents”, warned Zhang.

“Keep open that channel of communication so that our kids feel safe enough to tell us anything, anything at all, and know that they are loved. Then, I think we have a better start.”

Unconditional love and acceptance will open the door to the sharing of values because “the food and air of kids is approval and validation from their parents”.

Fathers impact faith 

Underscoring the importance of fathers and marriage in building strong families, Wong shared data from a Swiss government study done in 1994 that talked about the importance of the “religious practice of the father of the family”.

Jason Wong champions family because he has seen first-hand the devastation that broken families can have on people and their children. Photo courtesy of Jason Wong.

According to the study, if both parents are regular church-goers, 33% of the children would become regular church-goers as well. However, if only the mother is regular, the number plunges to a mere 3%.

“You can see the big difference that fathers make,” he said.

Parents modelling love and forgiveness is also important in anchoring children in the faith. He recounted a counselling situation in which a father came to him contemplating divorce.

Despite regularly going to church, having family devotions and praying with and for the children, the man’s daughter still told him “there is no God”.

“When he asked why, she said, ‘If there is a God, you won’t be quarrelling like that’.”

Concluded Wong: “How we do marriage, how we love each other, how we forgive each other, that will represent God’s love and God’s grace to your children.”

Must mums stay home?

On the matter of whether mums should stay home to be more effective, Koh-Hoe said: “It is a struggle that many working mums face.

Joanna Koh-Hoe was honest about the struggle she faced returning to work after having set her heart on being a stay-home mother. Photo courtesy of Joanna Koh-Hoe.

“I don’t think if you’re a mum today, and you feel that you are called to the marketplace, that you should feel guilty. I believe that God equips women in very different places.”

However, she added: “You have to make a decision with your eyes wide open. And at the end of the day, you have to be able to answer the question as to whether or not you are fulfilling the role that only you can fulfil.”

That role, she emphasised, is not being a mother first. Rising to show a t-shirt she was wearing that read “Wife, Mom, Boss” and drawing appreciative laughter from the participants, Koh-Hoe talked about how “before I’m a mother, I’m a wife … ‘boss’ is last of all”.

Talking about the importance of getting priorities right, she said: “We might feel that we might be called to be in the marketplace to bring kingdom values or transformation to the world.

“That’s great. But it must never supersede the role that only we can fulfil.”

Sharing her own struggle and how she was called out of her plans to be a stay-home mum to continue working with Focus on the Family Singapore, Koh-Hoe said: “I couldn’t just walk away because, to some extent, whatever becomes of the institution of the family and society would also affect me and my child, and the future that my child will grow up in.”

Joanna Koh-Hoe sharing the findings of a Focus on the Family survey taken earlier this year.

Koh-Hoe believes that it is not about juggling all the responsibilities but “showing our primary responsibility – how we obey God in His calling – while taking care of our first priority” as wife and mother.

When husbands are disinterested

Participants on the chat show asked the panel how to strengthen families when husbands and fathers don’t rise to the occasion.

Said Koh-Hoe: “Then, you need the power of the praying wife. Wives have been specially anointed with the special ability to persevere in prayer.”

She talked about how she learnt not to merely feel frustrated but to “lament to God” and let Him “turn that into intercession” for her husband.

And instead of nagging, she shares what she learns with her husband with a “posture of humility”.

Pastor Toh shared a similar experience about his prayerful wife.

“My wife is somebody who is very, very wise. She knows that if she quarrels with me, she will not win. I talk loudly and I’m quite stubborn.

“She always talks to God. And whenever she talks to God, she wins (our argument). God will remind me that she is a daughter of God most high. She has direct access to the King of kings, the Lord of lords.

“That lens is very helpful to our marriage, our parenting relationship, our children. I like what Jason said: Not that our family has no struggles, no challenges but we have Someone we can run to.”

Singles are important, too

In raising and shaping families, the panellists also saw the importance of community and church, and among them, singles.

Koh-Hoe spoke with much warmth about how Zhang, when he was single, was an excellent uncle to her son who “practically grew up in the office”. Till today, her son also remains close to her former personal assistant, a single lady, who played a big part in her son’s life.

Urging families to broaden their support base, Koh-Hoe said: “Singles are a really rich resource.”