“Technology is something that we grew up with, and it’s not something we’re going to let go off that easily,” said Jakin Tan, 20.

As a Gen Z digital citizen, Jakin has learnt to use the virtual world to deal with real-world issues. He is the co-founder of Philotimo, an Instagram presence where Christian young men share about issues they face such as National Service, masculinity or sex.

He speaks for his peers when he talks about “scrolling on Instagram and watching YouTube videos to pass the time”.

“There’s nothing that can really fill up that hole now in terms of entertainment compared to what technology and devices provide.”

What the panellist on Salt&Light Family Night (October 26) shared is not news. But it is what the generation of parents who grew up well before the Internet and mobile phones became commonplace have long feared.

Of more than 100 viewers tuned in for the episode Help! Screens are taking over my family life, 7 in 10 were parents – 60% had children in their teens and 40% had tweens. Interestingly, 1 in 10 were youths.

In a poll conducted that night, too much time on screens surfaced as a concern for all. Up to 57% thought their children were spending too much time on screens while 43% felt they were just as guilty.

What made screen use worrisome was what the viewers feared was available. Pornography was a top voted concern at 63%. Excessive gaming (59%), excessive use of social media (42%) and access to violence (41%) followed.

Joining Jakin on the panel were Carol Loi and Lucian Teo. Carol, also the co-host of Salt&Light Family Night, is the founder and principal consultant at Village Consultancy which provides digital literacy education to youths, families and educators.

Jakin Tan, Lucian Teo and Carol Loi were on the panel to share from their experience and expertise how to disciple children in the digital space.

Lucian is Google’s Trust and Safety Transparency Lead. It is his job to warn people about online scams, teach them to stand up against cyberbullying and use technology for good instead. Despite knowing full well the dangers of the Internet, he believes it can be used to put out life-giving and supportive content to show people more of who God is.

The three panellists shared how technology can be harnessed for good.

#1 Help them set healthy boundaries

When children are very young, habit forming is how convictions are built, said Lucian. Parents need to help them develop good habits when using technology.

“They may not have that deep-seated conviction yet but as they go through the motions of doing, the convictions are built.

“It may be modelling at first but it may become a real conviction for them.”

Jakin agreed. Growing up, his parents were the ones who placed restrictions on his use of devices.

“Time limits, what websites I can go to – that actually helped me in terms of self-control,” he said.

Now that he has more freedom, he uses the same restrictions his parents once set for him to monitor himself.

1. Have a time limit

“This helps me in terms of self-control,” said Jakin.

2. Be intentional

Knowing that he only has a certain amount of time also makes him more intentional.

“If I switch on my computer, I go in with a purpose,” he said. This prevents mindless surfing which is how hours can be spent on a device without being productive.

3. Explore other habits

“When parents see their kids on the phone, they always ask, ‘Why are you using your phone so much?’ “Kids are aware they are using their phones a lot. The problem is they don’t know what else to do,” Jakin said.

“So, the question parents should ask is, ‘Why are you spending so little time on … fill in the blank.’”

Help them develop interests in the real world. “Before they were introduced to screens, they had something that they liked to do.”

Jakin enjoys music and spends a lot of time on the drums. “So, that is something to fill my time with compared to just using my devices all the time.”

4. Devices only in common or open areas

Lucian’s family sets clear limites including: “No use of technological devices in the bedroom. All charging is done outside. Use the computer in a place where everybody can see it.” 

Having the mobile phone by the bedside increases the temptation of surfing pornographic websites.

“When you are tired, stupid things happen,” said Lucian.

Agreed Carol: “Charging the phone outside also prevents us from being tempted to use the phone or visit sites that are not helpful or healthy should we wake up in the middle of the night.”

In Carol’s home, bedroom doors have to be kept open if devices are brought in.

“Keeping the door open is a physical way of building that culture of accountability and transparency, that we don’t do things where we have to hide behind a door to do.”

5. No phones at mealtimes

Said Carol: “We want our family members to know: We value you. We want to honour you and look you in the eye instead of at the phones.”

To help parents set limits, Carol recommended a tool she used when her children, now teenagers, where younger: The Family Media Plan helps parents do regular reviews of their families’ use of technology and provide talking points for them to discuss.

Another tool that can help guide technology use in the family is the Family Internet Safety Contract.

#2 Develop inner convictions

For the boundaries to be successful, parents also need to live by the same standards which they set.

Said Carol: “Are we ourselves convicted? Are we role-modelling to our children? When we raise our children, we are raising disciples.”

The amount of time we spend on our screens, the content we consume, the way we use technology are being watched by our children, said Carol.

“If we are using it in the right way, then it becomes very natural for our children to pick that up.”

Citing the example of her collaboration with her daughter, Nicole, Carol talked about how working together with her child is part of “doing life together” and that has given her many “discipleship opportunities” to build convictions in her daughter.  

#3 Observe social media age limits

Most social media platforms set the minimum age for use at 13. This creates a natural entry barrier that protects younger children.

“The age limit can give time and space to build conviction, anchor them in their faith and values, build a Christ-centred world view so that when they get online, they are better able to discern things,” said Carol.

“If you are a parent and you allow your primary school kids to be on social media, I would encourage you to have deep conversations about what they are seeing.”

This is because, at that age, they may not understand or be able to deal with things that they may encounter on social media nor have the skills to navigate the digital space wisely.

Jakin offered another reason why parents should talk to their children about issues early. “Your kids will encounter things anyway. So it’s better that you talk about it first.”

His parents discussed pornography with him very early on and taught him about God’s design for sex.

“By the time I encountered porn online, I already  knew the right perspective.”

#4 Don’t avoid, guide  

“We can’t run away from the fact that they must use the Internet. It’s a tool. It’s more about reassuring them that you are there to guide them,” said Lucian.

Added Jakin: “Media can be used for good. It’s not totally, absolutely evil. Encourage the child to take small steps.

“If they like to post things on Instagram, share with them how to make the post meaningful for those who see it.

“If they like to scroll through Instagram or watch a lot of YouTube videos, introduce channels to them that they may take an interest in so that you can guide them on the path that will be the most productive or has the most impact on them.”

#5 Regulate online sharing

Lucian started a blog in 2000 “when the word ‘blog’ wasn’t even coined yet”. He was studying in the US then and wanted a way to communicate with his then-girlfriend, now wife, because long-distance phone calls were too expensive.

In the years since, he has learnt to be more circumspect about what he publishes online.

“I have been blogging a lot less in the last five to 10 years because I was working on things that you can’t talk about openly. Privacy became more important.”

Since his children became older, the issue of privacy has resurfaced. He used to document online his first child’s milestones – birth, first steps, first words.

“We all have that Simba moment,” he said referring to the iconic scene in The Lion King animated movie where the father holds his newborn son up proudly for all to see.

“One day, I realised that I am writing her story for her. The day of reckoning will come when she’s going to meet a boy and he’s going to go, ‘Oh, I don’t need to know anything about you because your dad posted everything already.’”

That realisation made Lucian stop posting about his children.

But his daughter has made him go one step further. She asked him to remove all the photographs of her he had posted online.

“I’m glad she understands the need for privacy. I do regret that maybe I hadn’t been as thoughtful.”

Lucian’s advice to the viewers: Think about not only what you are sharing but why you are sharing it. For example, when sharing about an award our child has won, is the motivation thanksgiving or pride?

“Be very, very conscientious about what you share or don’t share because you are sharing the lives of multiple people.

“There’s this wisdom I’m starting to learn – certain areas of your life are, in a sense, sacred. When you keep them to just the people that matter, there’s something special about that. I don’t need to show the whole world.”

For Carol, posting is also about shaping the narrative.

“I do share my life as authentically as possible to show that parenting is not always something that is so beautiful, the house is not always so clean. But it can still be joyful. There is a balance to be struck.”

She shared some principles that have guided her:

• Share what honours others
• Don’t share personal data
• Share as a testimony

“In Revelation, the Bible says we overcome the enemy by the blood of the Lamb and the word of testimony (Revelation 12:11). So, if God does something in my life, sometimes I am prompted to share my experience through a word of testimony.”

Friends who do not read the Bible or know about Jesus may read her post and it becomes “a way to sow a seed into somebody’s heart and mind”.

“Post intentionally with the goal of honouring God and sharing God’s goodness. That is how we can be good stewards of the powerful tools that God has put into our hands.”

#6 Engage your child

“We need to know what our children are using their devices for. As parents, we need to be a bit more kaypoh (nosy),” said Lucian. “If they’re playing games, know what they are playing, why they enjoy it, why it’s fun.”

The problem lies in the fact that most parents approach their children and the use of technology “with the stick first”, tolerating the excessive usage till they can only longer hold their temper. Then, they step in with punitive measures.

Lucian suggested first taking an interest in what they are doing instead.

Jakin added: “If they are not going into your own world, you have to get into theirs first. Just understand what’s going on so you can see what things can be changed.”

He explained that knowing how games work can help parents to understand their children as well.

“There are certain games that take very long to play – 30 to 40 minutes. For your child, playing two to three games is normal.

“But from the outsiders’ perspective, your child is spending two to three hours playing on the computer.

“If you understand how certain mechanics work, starting a conversation with them will be much smoother and easier.”

#7 Manage ambitions

To parents whose children have expressed an interest in making a career on social media, Lucian said: “What they need to know, what they are often mistaken about, is how easy or hard it is for them to succeed.”

He encouraged getting the children to do research on how many actually succeed in carving out a career on social media.

“If they do their numbers correctly, they will realise they have a better chance of earning a PhD.”

In addition, there is a need to ensure that children are secure in their identities because they can be easily discouraged by the number of likes they get or do not get, said Carol.

Added Lucian: “From a spiritual perspective, I am wondering: Can humans tolerate worldwide fame the way that the Internet can give? The weight that comes with it is tremendous. I am wary of pointing a child to this sort of life because the pressures are tremendous.”

Should the child succeed, Carol had one more piece of advice: “I would encourage them to steward that following well. As people follow them as they follow Christ, if it is positive and God-breathed, who knows what God can do?”

This report is Part 2 of the Salt&Light Family Night episode on managing screen time in the family. You can read Part 1 here.

A full recording of this episode and past episodes of Salt&Light Family Night can be viewed on our YouTube channel here.