“When your children feel like you love the ministry more than you love them, the ministry becomes a competition,” said Rev Peter Tan-Chi at this year’s Eagles’ Leadership Conference, a biennial forum which was held in July.

The founder and Senior Pastor of Christ’s Commission Fellowship was speaking to pastors and leaders during a Q&A segment on Building a Strong Family Ministry in Church and Society.

“People think family is not a ministry. Many pastors are embarrassed to prioritise family. They always think church is ministry, anything outside the home is ministry. But what about inside the home?” he asked.

With his wife, Deonna, and Jason Wong, founder of Yellow Ribbon Project and Dads for Life movement, Rev Tan-Chi shared insights on the challenges of raising a healthy family both within the home as well as within the Church.

(This audience Q&A has been edited for clarity and length.)

My adult children in their 30s have left church. Besides praying, what else can I do to help them to return to the Lord?

Rev Tan-Chi: You need to build relationships. When you have a good relationship, somehow the mental logic barrier is broken. Sometimes people just return to the Lord not based on logic, but on relationships.

Building good relationships require intentionality.

If you have this problem and you have some money to spend, try taking your adult child for a getaway. Don’t let them pay. Don’t include other family members or friends in the trip. Just you and your child.

Deonna and I do that for intimacy, one family member at a time. They will slowly open up.

Wong: Through the relationship, you will know why your child has left the church. Was it hypocrisy? Was it a lack of understanding of God? Has someone in church hurt them? Or was it because of me as a father? There can be so many reasons.

If we want to understand why, the child needs to tell you. In order for the child to tell you, you need a relationship. So it’s back to relationship.

What are some challenges that you’ve faced in your family?

Deonna: Our children went to Christian high schools. When one of our daughters went to a Filipino college, she didn’t have any friends. Some girls who loved partying made friends with her. She had never gone drinking or to parties.

I was concerned because drinking can lead to becoming an alcoholic. I shared with her my concern and prayed a lot.

One day she came home and said: “My friends are saying I should try drugs.” I didn’t freak out, but kept the communication open. I didn’t go: “What?!”

I shared that I was reading an article in Reader’s Digest about a guy who tried marijuana, got hooked and eventually became a terrible drug addict. I told her: “Why don’t you read the article and tell me what you think?”

So what you do is give leads. Don’t panic and get all emotional. Be objective. She read the article, and thankfully she said: “Wow Mom, this is really great. I’m gonna bring this to my friends. I’m not going to take drugs.”

As for drinking, we kept praying. We didn’t nag. We let her be. She did get drunk a few times.

But one day she came home and said: “Mom, Dad, I’m trying to witness to my friends, but I’m not effective. My lifestyle looks like theirs. I’m a follower of Jesus, so I should live my life differently to honour Christ. I’ve decided I’m not going to be doing what they’re doing.”

To our surprise, she added: “Mom, Dad, thank you for walking alongside me in this journey.”

You walk alongside your kids, have dialogues, give objective evidence and pray unceasingly. Today my daughter’s an amazing counsellor and woman of God. We did have problems, but you face it with the power of the Spirit.

How do wives submit to their husbands as head of the family without undermining his decisions?

Deonna: Submission to your husband begins by first submitting to God. You submit first to Jesus. All of submission is to God because He tells us to submit. 

If you feel your husband is making an unwise decision, don’t immediately say “no” because that is a sign of disrespect and disagreement. That may be a trigger for some husbands.

So, ladies, the best thing you could say is: “Sure. I will follow you if that’s your decision. But what do you think about this idea?” You’re not telling him what to do, but you’re giving him an option, another idea.

If he still says: “No, I want to do it this way”, you can ask: “Have you prayed about it?”

Whatever his answer is, assure him: “Whatever you decide, I will follow you. I’m praying for you, too, because we don’t want our will. I don’t want to win. We want Jesus to win.”

So it’s not a contest. Both of you must want to seek God’s will. If you have that kind of heart, it’s easier to make decisions that honour Christ.

Ultimately, I will always submit to Peter because I submit first to Jesus, and I entrust everything into Jesus’ hands to work it out for good.

How do we mentor those who come from single-parent families, especially those without a father or male figure in their lives?

Wong: There is a Bible verse that says God puts orphans in families (Psalms 68:6) and that’s the church’s family.

So if a child is without a mother, then spiritual mothers must step in. If a child is without a father, then spiritual fathers need to step up. A husband and wife, for example a cell leader and his wife, can be spiritual parents and host single-parent families in their homes.

Furthermore, if you have the capacity to father or mother another child, be involved in foster care. Alternatively, help a family who is struggling, especially if both parents are working or absent. Offer that help to someone in church. Their children may need some care from an experienced mother or father.

Rev Tan-Chi: The beauty of the church is that we have a community. It is very good to be in small groups.

How do you solve the problem in a society where single mothers are all alone? The only solution is God’s Church. Who will give their daughters and sons a godly male image? The Church.

That’s why we must all do our part.

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