On Father’s Day 2023, Pastor Deborah Tan faced an unimaginable loss when her only son, Issac, took his own life.

He was 29 years old, the youngest of her six children. 

The news shattered her.

“After he passed, I held him close and whispered that I had looked forward to more time together,” she shared through tears.

In the days that followed, Ps Deborah threw herself into funeral preparations in Johor, where she lives. But once the busyness faded, she withdrew into herself, blocking her contacts and retreating into a cocoon of grief.

“I worshipped, fasted and prayed, asking the Lord daily to give me the strength to rise from the depths,” she recalled.

Ps Deborah had endured much in her life, but this was the hardest trial she had ever faced.

Abused and bullied

“He carried so much pain in his heart,” Ps Deborah, an Indonesian Chinese, said sorrowfully as she looked back on Issac’s life.

As a young boy, he had lived through the impact of his father’s gambling habits and womanising.

His mother, having endured being the sole breadwinner of the family for close to two decades, made the difficult decision to leave the family home with her oldest two children and just RM20 (S$6) in her pocket. 

Ps Deborah with Issac, her youngest child who took his own life last year at 29.

Issac was among her four other children she had to leave behind.

“Because of the instability at home he grew up with a rebellious streak,” said Ps Deborah, who came to Christ after she left her first husband.

After her first husband passed away, Issac was reunited with his mother, who subsequently remarried a recovering drug addict.

He treated Issac well at first, but after getting married to Ps Deborah, he became verbally and physically abusive toward the teenager.

As a result, Issac withdrew from Ps Deborah and into his own shell.

“We used to have a good relationship; he would treat me to seafood on Mother’s Day. But after my second husband came into the picture, he distanced himself,” she said sadly.

Outside the home, Issac also endured bullying throughout high school, college and even at work. “I did not know how much he went through,” said Ps Deborah.

When her second husband passed away a few years ago, she encouraged her son, telling him that life would improve. She did not foresee the tragic turn that would soon follow.

Purpose in the pain

It has been just over a year since Issac’s passing, and the loss and pain is still raw.

As a mother, Ps Deborah continues to grieve. She leans on God’s grace each day to move forward and serve in obedience.

“My one regret is that I did not spend enough time to simply love him and care for him,” Ps Deborah said.

Through poverty, abuse and the loss of her only son, Ps Deborah Tan has found God to be true and unfailing.

She draws strength from a supportive community of believers that she pastors in Johor.

“For those suffering loss, human words can often feel empty. Just be a companion and a listener,” she shared. “When we share in each other’s suffering, the Holy Spirit does His work.”

After months of wrestling with God and seeking answers, she chose to believe that He intends to use her life – pain and suffering included – as a testimony of His unfailing love at work in broken lives.

“He has a bigger purpose, teaching us and making us more like Jesus,” she said.

“God is merciful and kind,” she continued solemnly. “He heard my cries for strength through that unspeakably difficult season. He helped me accept Issac’s death and recognise His hand in all of my experiences.”

God shares in our suffering

Ps Deborah also shared how God used Matthew 6:14-15 to guide her in forgiving those who had hurt her and Issac.

Since then, she has chosen forgiveness and witnessed God’s restoring goodness. “I’ve been freed from the bondage of unforgiveness and bitterness in many areas,” she shared.

Ps Deborah with her five daughters at the Malaysia Baptist Theological Seminary, where she completed her Bachelor of Theology in 2022.

Issac’s death has also deepened her resolve to encourage other parents to steward their families well. 

“God revealed to me that generational curses over my family had not been broken. Now, I want to share my journey to help others find true freedom in Christ, so they can enjoy whole family relationships in Him,” she said.

Though she thinks of her son often, she finds comfort in the Lord. 

“I remember a conversation we had before he passed. We talked about the bullying he endured, his disappointment with church leaders, and all the challenges we went through as a family. He asked me why there was so much injustice in life,” she said quietly.

It is a question Ps Deborah cannot fully answer, yet she clings to the truth that God walks with us in our suffering. 

“All I know is that we need Jesus. We don’t know what trials or tribulations will come, but the Holy Spirit, our Helper, will see us through.”

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