No woman is an island. She is someone’s girlfriend, wife, sister, daughter.

No man is an island either. He’s boyfriend, husband, brother, son. And abortion affects him too.

Many of the men who approach Rachel’s Vineyard for post-abortion healing feel as unworthy as the women who seek help. “There is a lot of self-blame and guilt,” said Michelle Soliano-Lew, a therapist with the Catholic ministry. 

Speaking at the Love.Life Conference held earlier this year, she revealed that men can be as shaken as the women. While their presence in Rachel’s Vineyards programmes is at first a shock, “it helps the women to understand that their boyfriend or husband or father also suffered this pain of shame, guilt and loss in their own way”.

Men have feelings too

Andrew Chew was one of those who took the easy way out in the year 2000, leaving the choice of whether to keep their baby or not to his then-girlfriend. A similar tale has been retold by many ladies who have been to Rachel’s Vineyard retreats. They’d felt abandoned, and wished for the support of their baby’s father, believing that would have influenced the aftermath for the better.

“In all those clichés that we talk about, that men are terrible at expressing themselves and all that – it’s true, unfortunately,” Chew said, “especially with something like this.” 

Chew experienced healing through Rachel’s Vineyard and now is a volunteer. He shared: “The men don’t know what to do too, they’re lost. So, it is not a time to condemn but a time to talk. To see if he can be led to see more possibilities other than running away, washing his hands off responsibility.”

Regret is not confined to the parents of the baby aborted. Soliano-Lew said that she has seen even grandparents coming in for counselling. She recounted the experience of an elderly lady who struggled to understand why her daughter, whom she thought she had a close relationship with, decided to abort her child.

“There was a lot of self-blame. She kept asking: ‘Have I done enough as a mother? Have I not supported her? Is there something I missed? Why wasn’t I there for my daughter during that time?’

“No judgment on her daughter at all. But all the judgment was on herself as a mother and grandmother. ‘What could I have done?’ And the real loss for her was in not knowing her grandchild. She felt it just as much as the mother would.”

Far-reaching consequences

Soliano-Lew cautioned that the hurts that arise from any abortion, if left unaddressed, can seep through into a couple’s relationship. These emotional wounds also could have an extended ripple effect, whether with the same partner or a different one.

“Some of it is mistrust, this idea of men not protecting me. And maybe for the men too, if their girlfriend or wife had an abortion without telling them.

“There is also fear, which affects their parenting. These are just some of the long-term effects that many of us don’t seem to realise, how it impacts how we operate in the world after the abortion experience.”

Gleaning from her almost-10 years of counselling at Rachel’s Vineyard, she has concluded that some of the pain can be avoided, if the men involved would only speak up. In the retreat setting, she has seen many expressing regret at not doing so.

“There’s this whole different perspective when you have couples sitting in front of you and the husband says, ‘At that time, I thought it was your choice. I didn’t want to force anything on you so I didn’t want to say anything that would influence you.’

“And the girlfriend or wife would say, ‘You should have said something, anything, so that I could know that you were also in so much pain and hurt at that point of time.’ ”

The difference men make

Dr Peter Chew, a practising gynaecologist for over 40 years, reiterated that husbands play an important role in the decision-making process. If the husband is supportive, it is easier to dissuade the wife from going ahead with the abortion even though she may be more inclined to initially, said the founder-chairman of aLife, a pro-life organisation.

Leo Hee Khian, who founded Wonderfully Made, echoed that view during the panel discussion. He recounted a recent exchange in which a friend was considering abortion as her child had been diagnosed with Down Syndrome. His wife offered to adopt this child, but the friend remained bent on abortion.

His wife made the offer “without discussing it with me, but she said it knowing full well my answer. She knew I’d say ‘yes’.

“I think that is the kind of role men play (Ephesians 5:23),” said Leo, whose consultancy provides abortion counselling and education.

“I don’t think abortion is a women’s issue, I think it’s a men’s issue. I don’t think rape is a women’s issue, I think rape is a men’s issue. I don’t think sexual abuse is a women’s issue, I think it’s a men’s issue.

“So why not make abortion a men’s issue? Can men rise up?”