When Jason Ang and his wife first began dating, they did things they both enjoyed.

“We first knew each other because of our involvement in freelance theatrical projects. So we both have a love for theatre. Many of our dates were watching plays, musicals and, of course, movies,” said Jason, 50.

The couple has been married for 19 years and has two children.

Asked which dates were most memorable, Shelen, 46, said: “Honestly, I can’t remember. They must all be enjoyable, otherwise we wouldn’t have stepped into marriage!”

While every date before marriage was special, Jason admitted that it was tougher to find time to date after they got married because of their busy schedules. Still, they make an effort to go out together at least once a month.

What is Jason’s advice to married couples attempting to re-start their dating life?

“Go for something you both enjoy. Communicate what you wish for and come to an agreement before going on a date. Otherwise, a date may become unpleasant when each other’s expectations are not met.”

Added Shelen: “Don’t assume. I remember once when I suggested going for a ‘nice’ dinner, Jason brought me to this famous hokkien mee stall in the hawker centre!

“We later realised that we both have different definitions of ‘nice’! For me, it means a place with good atmosphere. But for Jason, it simply means a place with good food.

“We both still laugh over that incident. But we are now more intentional in conveying our thoughts and desires.”

There is no fixed formula for a good date, said the couple.

But Focus on the Family Singapore has some great ideas that might spark your imagination as part of their Celebrate Marriage campaign this year.

1. Know your purpose

Why date your spouse? Dating before you got married made sense – how else could you spend time with the one you love? How else could you get to know the person?

But once married, those reasons don’t seem to hold anymore. Aren’t you already with each other every day? Don’t you know your spouse by now?

The short answer is: No.

You spouse is a living, breathing person with growing experiences and evolving needs as the seasons change. The exercise of living together day to day isn’t enough to uncover the dynamic person that is your spouse.

You need dedicated time alone as a couple to:

• Deepen your connection
• Increase intimacy
• Tune into each other’s needs

2. Work as a team

Once you determine the need, communicate. Plan your dates together. Talk about your thoughts, feelings and expectations. Make it a couple project. This pre-date activity can be the start of your bonding time.

But don’t compare with couples you know, or worse, those who post their romance on social media.  

Some questions you can ask each other to help plan your dates include:

• What is your favourite thing to do on our dates?
• What was our last date that was memorable for you?
• What would make you feel loved on a date?
• How do you think we can prepare ourselves better for our dates?
• What kind of surprises do you enjoy?

3. Be intentional

Next, make it happen.

Schedule in your dates like you would the many activities and duties in your life.

Yes, it won’t be as spontaneous as when you were swinging singles.

But at least the date will be prioritised.

How often should dates take place and for how long? That really depends on your season in life.

Decide on a regularity and duration that works for you.

Just make sure that it is regular, dedicated time. Most couples start with monthly dates, working up to dates once a week.

4. Stay present

Once on the date, stay focussed on your spouse. Remember when you were dating and only had eyes for each other? Just like the maiden in the Song of Solomon who delighted to sit in the shade of her beloved (Song of Solomon 2:3), be devoted to your date. 

To stay present:

• Put away your devices.
• Refrain from dealing with work calls, messages or emails.
• Listen to understand, rather than to respond. This creates emotional safety in your conversations.
• Maintain eye contact.
• Hold hands.

Seize the opportunity to convey appreciation of, and affection for, each other. If you’ve forgotten how, these tips might help:

• Make a list of the things you value about your spouse and share it with him or her. Include his or her personality traits, character qualities, caring behaviours, accomplishments and even physical characteristics.
• Talk about ways you can nourish each other emotionally and physically. Start off by sharing: “I feel loved when you …”
• Take the free 5 Love Languages online quiz together to find out what makes your spouse feel most loved.
• Surprise each other with a simple and thoughtful gift.
• Give each other a back rub, hold hands, put your arms around each other, cuddle.

5. Talk it out

Plan for meaningful conversations. Think about topics and conversation starters that would help you understand how your spouse thinks and feels, and that can get you into the mood to relate on a deeper level.

Here are five conversation starters:

• What were your high and low points of today or the week?
• What do you love about me?
• What is one thing that you’re learning about our marriage or each other?
• What are some ways we can love and support each other in the days or in this season?
• What are some dreams or hopes you have for our family this year?

6. Have fun!

The routine of growing a family can sometimes make you forget to enjoy your spouse. That’s what dates are for. You are limited only by your imagination.

But, just in case, here are some fun date ideas:

• Take a short detour to an ice-cream parlour or café on your way home from work.
• Go for walks together. Try a different route each time.
• Try a new restaurant, hawker haunt, or cuisine.
• Get nostalgic and visit your past – your childhood homes, your first home together, the location of your first date.
• Go on a photo walk and share your photos with each other.
• Play a team sport together or host a game night with other couples.
• Watch a TV show or movie together, and make it an event with snacks and drinks.
• Turn the mundane into something meaningful – grocery runs and even doing the dishes together can all be turned into dates with laughter and good conversation.

“For more practical dating tips and fun date hacks and ideas, download the free ‘How to Date Your Spouse Again’ guide!” 

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