Since she was a little girl, Sumitra Naidu has dreamt of finding a life partner.

“I’ve always wanted to be married, since the age of five,” said the 35-year-old, who is better known as Sumi.

Heavily influenced by Disney princesses who were romanced by charming princes, Sumi formed an idealised image of her future husband.

“If I told you what I think men are supposed to be like, you would respond with, ‘This man does not exist. He doesn’t exist in any universe! He only exists in the Disney universe’,” she said with a laugh.

Her initial fairytale-like impression of marriage was short-lived, but her expectations were still inherently rooted in fantasy.

A wish list of 40 items

When Sumi was 15 years old, one of her mother’s friends asked her if she knew the type of person she was going to marry. The woman then encouraged her to write down a list of her desired qualities in a man.

Little Sumi had the desire to be married even from the age of five years old.

Sumi did – and came up with a whopping 40-item list.

(“A few years later I revisited the list and realised that Jesus could tick off everything on that list. It was Jesus whom I was looking for!” she said in retrospect.)

With a list to tick off, Sumi became fixated on finding “Mr Right”.

“My goal of singlehood was to get out of it. It was a race to find and marry the perfect husband,” she shared.

As the clock ticked, Sumi started questioning her waiting and wants. She pondered on her deep desire to get married and wondered if the purpose of her life was merely to get married, have children and live “happily ever after”.

Sumi at 21 years old, ready to start dating!

She also experienced some toxic encounters and found solace in staying single. 

It was during those times of waiting that God revealed to her that the desire to be married was becoming an idol in her life.

“While seeking healing from those not-so-pleasant dating experiences, I sought also to break marriage as the idol and sole focus in my life,” she shared.

“Slowly but surely, my perspective of singlehood started to change. Instead of asking God to send the right person, I prayed and sought to be the woman God has created me to be.”

As Sumi sifted through her list of 40 items, she realised that, while her list reflected her desires, she had not sought God’s guidance.

As she earnestly sought God’s input on her future partner’s qualities, she was reminded that the foremost requirement in a partner was wholehearted love for God.

Purposeful waiting

When Sumi was 30 years old, God refocused her vision of marriage and realigned her purpose in life.

“My singlehood has become a time of purposeful waiting when I can fully grow in my relationship with God and immerse myself in fellowship with godly community. That desire to be married is still very much there, but I will not allow it to take centrestage. There is a Kingdom agenda far greater than my own and that takes my focus,” said Sumi.

Sumi surrounds herself with good, wholesome and godly friends and community.

She was reminded of the story of Hannah, who had longed for a child. When God opened her womb, she bore Samuel. Then, Hannah dedicated Samuel to God.

“I realised that Hannah not only chose to trust God with her child, but she also chose to partner with God’s agenda by submitting her son to God’s will,” she said.

In her season of singlehood and waiting, Sumi has come to realise that the desire to be married, as well as marriage itself, is not just for self-fulfilment and happiness. Rather, marriage is a partnership with your spouse and with God to extend His Kingdom purposes here on earth.

“There are many opportunities you’ll have as a single person that, as a married person with kids, you won’t be able to enter into with the same freedom. Thus, there are two ways to live your life as a single person: Living doing everything you want, or doing everything He wants,” Sumi added.

Clinging to God’s promises

Nevertheless, there are still many struggles in her journey of singlehood.

Sumi has attended many weddings and played every role except that of the bride. She has had her fair share of seeing her peers finding love and achieving her lifelong desire for marriage.

Sumi walking down the aisle as the maid-of-honour for her best friend’s wedding.

But she has learned not to let comparison distort her understanding of her season.

“Comparison is of the devil. If you’re comparing with someone next to you, it’s from the enemy and you have got to get rid of that,” said Sumi.

Her maturity and wisdom come not by chance but by intentionally rooting herself in spiritual disciplines.

“Eat daily bread! My daily walk with God is crucial. Prayer, fasting, communion, worship, the Word, serving – these spiritual disciplines are important and it keeps me grounded,” Sumi said.

She sees her season of singlehood as a time of laying strong spiritual foundations and building upon them. Sumi knows the importance of living a life anchored in the Word and defining herself by God’s design.

“I need to know what my Heavenly Father says about me. When I’m sure of that, it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks,” she said.

The Bible holds a multitude of God’s promises and Sumi herself lives by Jeremiah 29:11, which specifically mentions God’s plans to prosper the lives of His children.

“I know I have a future in God. So what do I do on days when I feel I have no future? Lean on God, hold on to God because He’s eternal. His words are eternal. Heaven and earth pass away, but His Word always remains,” Sumi said.

Not wasting singlehood

In her purposeful waiting, Sumi serves actively in church. Serving allows her to understand her spiritual gifts, strengths, weaknesses, and ultimately her purpose in life, she said.

Sumi actively serves in the worship team and kids church, giving her time and talents to God.

“I’m not wasting my singlehood focussed on trying to get out of it.

“I’m actively involved in work, service, helping others in need, maintaining a vibrant social life, honing my skills and diligently working to better any negative attitude or harmful behaviours that might affect those in my circle,” she said.

Even as the wait continues, Sumi is firmly grounded in her identity in Christ.

Her desire to find love, a husband and a family has not changed, but her perspective on life has expanded beyond herself and the temporal into His eternal perspective.

She said: “I trust in His time. My idea of marriage has changed significantly from a self-centred desire to a Kingdom-focussed desire.

“There are only two reasons I want to be married: So that I become a better person and so that my future marriage will advance His Kingdom agenda.”

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