I thought love was more or less a givin’ thing
The more I gave, the less I got, oh yeah
What’s the use in tryin’
All you get is pain
When I wanted sunshine, I got rain.

(I’m a Believer by Smash Mouth)

I got rain. I got rained on a lot.

If there was another R word I dreaded even more than the word relationship, it was rejection.

I’ve had so many rejections, you wouldn’t believe it.

When I was training for the Ironman Triathlon, I pursued a girl. I did everything right. When I asked her to be in a relationship, she said yes. I thought I had it in the bag. No one ever said “yes” to me before. Then, because her mom thought I was going to die early because of my liver transplant, I was rejected before we got together.

The irony was that I was probably the healthiest in my life because of my training and diet.

Another time, my best friend, who went to another church, visited my cell group and pursued the same girl I liked. Guess who she chose? Him!

I was so angry. I told God it wasn’t fair. How could he do that? How could she choose him?

I was a church leader. I am semi good-looking (okay, that can be subjective). I was a cancer survivor, a liver transplant recipient, an endurance sport participant, and loved missions and Jesus. My CV is nice and long. It just wasn’t fair.

There are no guarantees that things will work out even if two people are compatible, notes Cliff, who says he and Wai Jia are polar opposites in personality.

If you are single, do you always feel like you are getting rained on? So what do you do?

Some might try and set goals for a relationship and say: “This year, I will get attached.”

That’s hard because relationships are so complicated.

Truth be told, it is not hard to get into a relationship. People get into relationships all the time. And sometimes, not for good reasons.

For money, sex, a romantic high, social standing. You can name it and someone is probably out there doing it.

People sell books online to “help” men attract the girl of their dreams: Be the Alpha Male! Use science and psychology! Many will try to create a formula or a plan to score the perfect mate. After all, don’t you deserve the stunning girl or the dreamy guy to sweep you off your feet?

How do I know that? Because I read it. And it didn’t work. And I thank God it didn’t work because that would have ruined my life.

Surrendering the search

The search for a relationship is filled with uncertainty. There are no guarantees that things will work out even if two people are compatible.

Personality-wise, my wife Wai Jia and I are polar opposites. While dating, we were literally far apart. I was in Toronto, Canada, and she was in Singapore. This is almost as far as one can get from each other on earth.

After so many years, I am still in awe that she said “yes” to me.

And with all these rejections, I’ve learned that my journey with Jesus is the most important relationship I can rely on. The key is to get into a healthy relationship with Him. And it starts with me learning to rely on Him to lead my life.

When I surrender my search for a mate to Him, He is the one who guides me. This doesn’t mean I won’t face any rejections.

When Wai Jia turned up in my life (a long story which you can watch here) I shared with her all the struggles I had with alcohol and pornography. I threw all the tips on scoring a girlfriend out the window. This goes against the dating scene because you always put your best foot forward and dress to impress if this is your first date. But I wanted Jesus to take charge.

Cliff and Wai Jia documented their unusual courtship with a video that garnered 36,687 views on YouTube.

By the time Wai Jia showed up in my life, I was comfortable with who I was in Christ. When I saw other guys’ comments on her Facebook profile, I knew I had competition. Instead of being upset or filled with envy, I surrendered the outcome to God.

I told God: “You are the one who led her into my life. Suppose it works out, great. If it doesn’t, all the same. I will find joy in You either way.” And I had to mean it.

With their daughters, Sarah-Faith and Esther-Praise.

Yes, there were heartaches, but I know Jesus is the rock upon which I’ve built my life.

This Valentine’s Day, I know some of you are anxious and in despair. Another year of singleness and another year of rejection.

But I want you to know that being single does not mean being alone. As clichéd as it sounds, Jesus has always been there for me in the low times. And He alone is enough.

Love,
Cliff

This reflection was first posted on comm+fam by Cornerstone Community Church, and is republished with permission. Join the comm+fam community here as they talk about relationships for the month of February for their weekly Wednesday 8.30pm online gathering.

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