I was blessed with a Ministry of Education (MOE) teaching award after my ‘A’ levels, and taught at a secondary school upon graduation. It was greatly satisfying.

Creating content, delivering lessons and sharing pedagogies on various platforms invigorated me, and I enjoyed the interaction with colleagues, students and parents alike.

Then, I miscarried while preparing for a fundraising dance performance in school. I didn’t even know I was pregnant! My husband and I had been married two years but we were caught completely unawares.

The loss shrouded me with guilt and grief. I sought the Lord for forgiveness. I asked Him to bless us with another child.

The emotional turmoil aside, my hormones were going haywire and I was gaining weight. When some of my colleagues asked if I was pregnant, I retreated to the staff toilet and sobbed.

“Why couldn’t I have had this child? Will I ever be pregnant again? When?”

My husband and I began praying together, and I heard the Lord say: “Six months.” Job 1:21 was the verse given.

Not long afterward, closure was given me one afternoon when, in the midst of my tears, I had a vision of Jesus coming to me. I handed my baby to Him, and He cuddled my child. They were filled with joy.

A promise fulfilled

Exactly six months later, a urine test confirmed I was pregnant. The Lord, ever true, told us three times to name our child Emmanuel (God is with us). (Matthew 1:23)

After my son’s birth, I had to be back at work after four months of maternity leave.

The separation was painful. I was anxious whenever I had to stay late in school. I struggled with breastfeeding as there was no place to express and store my breast milk. When he was unwell and crying, I felt so bad I could hardly drag myself to work.

We wanted a second child, but stress and exhaustion meant my hormones were out-of-whack again.

My doctor prescribed contraceptive pills to restart my menstrual cycle but I didn’t take them. Instead, my husband and I waited upon the Lord and, lo and behold, I was pregnant after we came back from a long holiday in Europe.

This child, too, was a fulfillment of God’s promise. I was on no pay leave which would have been applicable until she was four years old, but when she was two, the Lord impressed upon me to tender my resignation.

A promotion would have materialised once I returned to work, but I quit in obedience.

My husband was supportive; he was fully prepared to be our family’s sole breadwinner.

Next week will be better

I have now been a stay-home mum for six years and have often reflected on what I would have missed out on if I were not home to watch my children grow. How effective (or not) I could have been as a teacher to students whom I cared about.

I would not be telling the whole story if I didn’t list the challenges: Restricted finances are only one aspect. On days when the only conversation I have is with my kids, I wonder if I might lose my adult self.

When they and I are unwell and no one’s cleaning the house, I tell myself: Next week will be better.

But all next week brings is a larger pile of accumulated household chores.

I sometimes rant: Why should I serve God and give to others when I’m the exhausted, pitiable homemaker without an income? I’m a graduate! Why am I cooking and cleaning toilets? Who am I?

It was when I needed to fill in my occupation on my son’s Primary 1 registration form that the reality truly set in: I am a homemaker.

My inability to come to terms with that label was once my main challenge. But I’ve since come to realise my identity is in Christ.

Though circumstances have led me to stay home, my decision is no longer based on my husband’s input nor my children’s needs. It is my response to the Lord’s call on my life for this season, based on Ephesians 2:10.

And my purpose is not confined to my home. Along with other homemakers, I am a worker in God’s harvest field and my influence will extend to future generations (2 Timothy 1:5).

Last year the Lord told my husband to quit his job without another lined up and I asked if I should be the one to get a job.

God’s answer was a firm: “No.” Instead, He asked: “Will you stay home for Me?”

Eventually I said: “Yes, I will.”

I’ve declined relatives who have asked me to give tuition, and I recently turned down the offer of a part-time job.

I don’t know if being a stay-home mum will be my life-long vocation. I only know that wherever the Lord calls, I will go. – Cris E

Untold promise

Photo by J W on Unsplash

Money.

It’s the one bottom-line thing that brings laughter and tears at the same time.

I laugh when I remember the day I first stared into the abyss of a life beyond the working world. Counting up the various cut-backs I would have to make, I saw the integers sink into oblivion as I listed:

• monthly income: 0
• CPF contribution: 0
• shopping: 0
• taxi: 0
• gourmet coffee: 0

Tears of mirth flowed when I consoled myself that musings would be free. But for that, there would be no life.

I quit my grown-up job as a magazine editor a few months before we got married. We wanted kids, and knew we wanted to look after them ourselves. My no-mess policy meant there would be no maid, no mothers interfering, no molly-coddling.

Much did I have to learn.

Loving them enough

In the 20 months of marriage before my eldest came, I freelanced as a journalist, taught at an enrichment centre for children, took classes as the fancy hit. The freedom of being mostly unemployed was a whiff of fresh air for me, until it came time to settle the necessary for our HDB flat.

With my CPF account cleaned out, the bespectacled woman processing our paperwork noted: “HDB loan, your husband pay. PUB, your husband pay. Next time, parking also GIRO from his account. Everything your husband pay?”

The enormity of what she was saying struck me as lightning streaks across the dark sky when a formidable storm brews.

“Yes.” I sucked in my breath and held my head up high.

I would have to do that again and again, many times over.

In the 20 years since, we’ve had three babies grow into young adults, and while money has often been a niggling issue in the day-to-day, I have seen the Lord’s faithfulness in providing for all our needs.

Absolutely.

Wants are a different matter.

But I have different wants now, and money can’t buy any of them.

I want for the family bonds to deepen. The years at home together, within the four walls of our flat (during the season of SARS we were literally cooped up) gave us ample opportunity to love as well as to lash out, to laugh and to lament, to brood under each cloud of unknowing, and navigate the long winding roads together.

I want for my sons to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and walk the paths He has chosen for them – no matter the cost. For that I draw the long breaths and bow my head low, wondering how long my knees can endure the dust at the foot of the Cross.

I want to love them enough to let them go, and to love God enough to let Him have them, His way.

That’s harder than anything I’ve ever done, or – I suspect – will ever have to do.

To be able to see it play out in my lifetime? Well now, I’d give all the money I have for that.

It would be immeasurable wealth, and a treasure for eternity. – Emilyn Tan