Squabbles about toilet seats, driving techniques and how a tube of toothpaste should be squeezed.

Do couples really quarrel about these? What else can they expect when they get married?

This was what Salt&Light writer Gracia Lee, 25, and her fiancé, lawyer Joel Seah, 29, wanted to know. Come May next year, they will be walking down the aisle after having dated for six years.

In a special episode of Salt&Light Family Night on November 30 – the final episode for 2021 – Gracia and Joel posed questions about what to expect in a marriage to two couples who are years ahead of them on the matrimonial path.

Joel Seah and Gracia Lee posed questions to Jane and Julian Khoo, and Pastors Jeff and Claudia, about building strong marriages.

Julian and Jane Khoo have been married for 48 years. Together, they have raised three children – a daughter and two sons – who have given them seven grandchildren.

Senior Pastor of Hope Singapore, Pastor Jeff Chong, and his wife Pastor Claudia have been married for 25 years. Partners in life and in God’s work, they share a common vision to see the Great Commission fulfilled.

The majority of the nearly 470 participants for the night were in a committed relationship – 42% were married, 30% attached and 12% engaged.

Asked what they thought was the most important ingredient in a successful marriage, communication came up top. Trust, love and commitment were next.

Communication ranked top as both an ingredient participants thought was important to a successful marriage, as well as something about which they wanted to know more.

In fact, communication was deemed so important that when asked what they wanted to know more about when nurturing a healthy marriage, most participants cited communication as their key concern. Managing conflicts was the other thing participants wanted to know more about.

Here are some of the questions asked by viewers, as well as Gracia and Joel. 

What about marriage surprised (or shocked) you?  

Said Julian: “Before I got married, when I looked at the mirror, it was a peaceful time. When I got married, my wife became the mirror to let me know what I was like.

“And the mirror could speak! That was when the problem started.”

He found that whenever he wanted to do something, “the mirror would speak” and he would have to consider his wife’s opinions.

“I had to be challenged to address the issues.”

Ps Jeff shared that the shock for him was the discovery that “a lot of work goes into a marriage”.

“Hollywood lied to us – that picture of getting married, then walking into the sunset. Nothing could be further from the truth.”

Despite this, he declared: “I enjoy my marriage so much. I have such good company … we connect so deeply.”

He recounted how, after a busy weekend serving with his wife, he came home to a lovely meal of prata with her.

“It’s not the prata. It’s coming home to a safe place. That is really wonderful.”

Agreed Ps Claudia: “Marriage is a beautiful thing given by God. It’s a lifelong journey on earth.

“But it does require hard work and commitment. Work hard at it, and it can be a very enriching and thriving experience.”

What 3 things would you tell your younger self about marriage?

1. Keep a copy of your marriage vows

Ask for a copy of your marriage vows along with your marriage certificate.

“This helps me to remember what I committed to doing in my marriage,” said Julian.

2. Read the Bible every day

This is important for a Christ-centred marriage.

3. Pray for your spouse

Said Julian: “God showed me that I must love my wife enough to pray for her.”

One of his main prayers is to ask God to help him be observant of his wife so he can understand her better.

“So that I won’t get into the problem of not being watchful. You will realise that if you keep watching your spouse, you will have a very peaceful wife.”

What is the most important ingredient in your marriage?

“Faith in Christ Jesus. There is no other way,” said Jane.

“Colossians 2:1-3 tells us that in Christ ‘are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge’. I believe very firmly that if we keep close to the Lord Jesus, whatever problems we have will be ironed out in His time.”

Agreed Ps Jeff: “Jesus is the third party needed in every marriage.”

He likened marriage to the colour orange which is a mixture of red and yellow. He explained that marriage needs to have the husband-and-wife relationship, represented by the colour red, as well as God, represented by the colour yellow, in order for it to work, resulting in the colour orange.

“You cannot see the church and your relationship as a separate thing.”

How do you resolve your differences?

Ps Jeff and Ps Claudia confessed that in the first three to four years of their marriage, they “quarrelled every day” about everything, from finances to taking care of the house, and relationships with parents and in-laws.

“We are both very opinionated,” quipped Ps Claudia.

“Initially, we thought: Just love one another, everything will go on quite smoothly. Especially since before marriage, he gave in to me on so many things. But after marriage, it was quite different!”

1. Communicate

So, they had to learn to talk through their differences. But they also had to learn how best to communicate with each other.

Said Ps Jeff: “I take God’s Word very seriously. The Bible says, ‘Do not let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26).’ I took it literally.

“So, the worst thing is to quarrel at 11-something or midnight.”

While Ps Jeff hastened to settle their disagreements, Ps Claudia wanted to be “ready in the heart” before they talked so she would not speak in anger.

In time, they agreed to wait before working things out.

“But we have to set a time limit. Don’t let it drag,” said Ps Jeff.

2. Come to an agreement

“We always come to an agreement at the end,” said Ps Claudia.

When they cannot agree, they compromise.

“I would give in or he would. We take turns … not that we count,” she said.

Chipped in Ps Jeff in jest: “Five times for me, one time for her!”

3. Let the Bible be your guide

“He wants A; I want B. In the end, what does the Word of God say? Sometimes, we make mistakes, we are sinful. Let the Bible be your referee,” said Ps Claudia.

“Because we honour God and we honour God’s Word, we learn to say ‘sorry’ because the Word of God says we have to be humble (Ephesians 4:2).

People often cite personality differences as the reason for a breakdown in marriage but Ps Claudia maintained that “it’s stubbornness”.

“The parties don’t subject themselves to the Word of God.”

4. Use the Bible on yourself first

But the Word of God needs to be “used on yourself, not on your spouse”, cautioned Ps Jeff.

“Take for example Ephesians 5, the Bible says, ‘Husbands, love your wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25).’ So, as a husband, my role is to love my wife.

“But a lot of husbands tells their wives, ‘You have to submit.’ The Bible in no place says, ‘Husbands, make sure your wife submits to you.’

“The Bible also doesn’t tell the wife, ‘Make sure that your husband loves you like Christ loves the church, then you submit to him.’

“Have personal responsibility. Use the Word on yourself.”

One practical way Ps Jeff applies the Bible to his marriage is in the area of humble leadership.  

“The Bible says, ‘Husbands, love your wife like Christ loves the church.’ If you really understand just this simple statement, it’s a lot of weight on us. It is not a call to dominate, it’s a way to lovingly lead and submit.

“So, I always encourage the husbands to apologise, to take the first step. As a leader, you lead by apologising first, you lead by seeking reconciliation, you lead by serving first.”

5. Forgive completely

Referencing Hebrews 8:12 and Hebrews 10:17, Julian talked about God’s complete forgiveness.

“When we forgive, we must forget. Be serious that this is the way God forgives us; imitate it.”

6. Have a sense of humour

Jane shared that Julian liked to squeeze his toothpaste “any old way”. After nearly four decades of this, she decided to “join in the fun” and do the same instead of letting it be a point of contention.

“Anyway as we grow older, this issue goes away because we wear dentures,” quipped Ps Jeff with a laugh.

How do you keep the marriage strong?

Ps Claudia encouraged couples to spend time with each other regularly. She and her husband reserve one day a week for dates.

This is especially important when both are very busy.

“Sometimes, things happen too fast and there’s no time to resolve issues that crop up. So, we record it down and talk about it on our dates.

“It helps to have specific times to have regular communication and build our marriage.”

How can couples grow in spiritual maturity together?

Said Jane: “It begins with your individual commitment to the Lord. Then, we pray a lot together, and read the Word and discuss it together.”

Julian shared that, in his desire to know God and “have the mind of Christ” (1 Corinthians 2:13-16), he was inspired to memorise the entire book of Hebrews.

“I encourage people to memorise a book rather than passages. Then, you will see the whole context.”

The growth, however, is not the result of working through a checklist of to-dos, said Jane.

“Growing in maturity is the Lord’s work. The Lord has to water it.”

Sometimes, how God causes growth is through trials.

“Never say, ‘Why me? Why am I subjected to this?’ Always have trust in the Lord that everything works out for the Lord’s good,” said Jane.

How can wives submit to their husbands?

“I struggled for the first few years of marriage,” admitted Ps Claudia.

While Ps Jeff is very decisive and good at seeing the big picture, she is a planner.

“He decides first and thinks later. When it comes to some of his plans, sometimes I think it will not work. How do I submit to him if he insists his way is correct?”

God showed her that, like an employee in an organisation, it was her duty to “bring up my opinion passionately”. But just as it is the boss’ prerogative to make the final decision, so it is her husband’s as well.

“It has become smoother as we progress. It’s not a struggle for me anymore. And I find that when I don’t insist that I am correct, he starts to listen more.”

Added Ps Jeff: “I listen a lot more because I realise there is a reason why she disagrees with me.”

Jane shared that she has learnt to “keep quiet”. On one occasion, her husband bought a house without consulting her.

“I didn’t even see the place and it was bought. By faith, it was a good choice. I didn’t grumble and make a fuss of it.”

The times when she had kicked up a fuss, she realised that it was because of “my carnal nature, I forget my faith in the Lord”.

“Many times when I keep quiet, everything works well. I don’t have to make a noise.”

This report is Part 1 of the Salt&Light Family Night episode on what no-one warns you about marriage. Look out for Part 2 of the report next week.

A full recording of this episode will be available next week. You can watch past episodes of Salt&Light Family Night on our YouTube channel here.

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