“God has put us right now in this seemingly complex time when technology is shifting. So much power in our hands! What are we supposed to do?”

That question by digital literacy educator Carol Loi neatly summed up the heart of the Salt&Light Family Night episode (October 26) on screens overtaking family time.

From the survey conducted that night, it was clear that families are grappling with technology and its proper place in their family life.

Of the more than 100 viewers that night, 7 in 10 were parents – 60% had children in their teens and 40% had tweens – while a surprising 1 in 10 were youths.

Young or old, many felt that spending far too much time on screens was an issue – 57% thought their children were spending too much time on screens while 43% admitted that they were guilty of the same.

Aside from too much time spent onscreen (56% were concerned about screen time management), the content was of concern too.

Pornography topped the list at 63%. Excessive gaming (59%), excessive use of social media (42%) and access to violence (41%) were also worries, said the viewers.

Carol, the founder and principal consultant at Village Consultancy which provides digital literacy education to youths, families and educators, was joined on the panel by Lucian Teo and Jakin Tan.

Jakin Tan, Lucian Teo and Carol Loi were on the panel to share their experience and expertise in managing the use of technology amongst youths.

Lucian is Google’s Trust and Safety Transparency Lead. It is his job to warn people about online scams, teach them to stand up against cyberbullying and use technology for good instead. Despite knowing about the dark side of the Internet, he believes it can be used to put out life-giving and supportive content to show people more of who God is.

Jakin is a 20-year-old who is immersed in the digital world but has learnt to use the virtual world to deal with real-world issues. He is the co-founder of Philotimo, an Instagram presence where young Christian men share about issues they face such as National Service, masculinity or sex.

Together, the panellists laid the foundation for viewers to have a right perspective of technology and devices so they can help their children steward technology wisely.

#1 Harness technology for God

Instead of fearing or avoiding devices and screen time, Carol offered a proactive stance.

“God has given us great power for such a time as this. We are called to raise our children in this complex world for a purpose. We are put in this cultural moment not by chance.

“What is our responsibility? How do we steward technology and inculcate habits that build faith in our children’s lives while at the same time help them avoid being nudged away from God?”

In answer to this challenge, Carol offered three points on social media use:

1. Anchor your child’s identity in God

“How are our teenagers’ identities being formed? Are they being shaped by what their friends are saying or doing?” asked Carol.

With the avalanche of information in cyberspace and the differing views available, there is a danger that our children’s identities may be shaped by the world.

The more technology there is available, the more parents need to anchor their children in their God-given identities.

“As we do life with our children, we have many opportunities to see their strengths. Call out their strengths. Remind them, ‘Hey, you’re really good at this, that is the gift that God has given you’,” said Carol.

“When we call out their strengths, we strengthen their identity in a way that is very natural.”

Faith-building habits as a family – praying together, conducting family devotions, attending service together – can be another opportunity for parents to affirm their children’s identity in Christ.

“So, their identities are not formed only from what they are seeing from social media or from their friends but are formed from what God says about them.

“When we reiterate God’s promises to our children, what they are in Christ, again that builds their identity in a very natural way,” said Carol.

This aligning of God’s promises and their uniqueness – “they are fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) – gives children meaning in their everyday and stops their inclination to compare themselves to others.

2. Encourage a habit of contemplation

Technology has allowed us to multi-task. We have developed the skill of looking at many screens at once, using many devices at the same time.

But, with that, we have lost the art of reflection and the ability to focus on just one task.

Said Carol: “It takes discipline to focus on God. How do we build that in our children so that they have the capacity to hide God’s Word in their hearts?”

3. Teach them to use technology to create

“We are created to create. God is a creator,” said Carol.

Referencing 2 Corinthians 5:18, she reminded that we have been called to a ministry of reconciliation and that this can be done by using social media to further God’s purposes and kingdom.

“God has given us this very powerful tool. How are we using this to redeem culture back for Christ?”

#2 Be the parent, but know when to let go

Lucian travels the world teaching people about the proper use of technology and Internet safety. He maintained that the concerns about too much screen time and negative content are universal ones.

What is different is the concern of the right to privacy.

“In Europe and the US, the parents are more concerned about whether they should track phones and usage, should they ask for bedroom doors to remain open if devices are being used inside, can they check their child’s phone.”

In Asia, parents are more inclined to believe that as long as they are paying for the devices and their children are living with them, there is a “zero privacy” rule.

Singapore is in the process of shifting to a more Westernised approach.

“Now, we come to the problem of permissive parenting. We have read Western parenting books that say, ‘You need your child to be independent, to grow up to make their decisions.’

“So, at too young an age, we give them freedom.”

Lucian encouraged parents not to be afraid to “play the parent card”.

“As parents, we have a job to do. We are the parents. Right now, we have the confusion, we want to be a friend and that supersedes the parental role.

“Don’t abuse the authority you’ve been entrusted with. But don’t ever vacate the authority you have been entrusted with.”

This push and pull of parenting is very much like archery, said Lucian

“When they’re young, you pull, you aim. But if you never let go, the arrow will never fly.

“But the thing is: When do you let go? How do you let go? Do you let go fast? Do you let go slow?

“With children who are teenagers, if you let go too fast, you didn’t aim properly. If you let go too slow, you hold on too long, your hands get tired.

“We really do need to come before the Lord and ask, ‘This is your arrow, that is your target. So, Lord, how do I be faithful to aim at it? When do I release my child and put him in Your hands and then pray?’”

#3 Balance rights with accountability

Carol believes that the rights of the child need to be balanced with accountability; parents must play a part in striking that balance.

“When children are given something, they have to be accountable, meaning they need to be transparent about it.

“They must be open to share with Daddy and Mummy what they are watching on the screen because this is a privilege that is given to them.”

That accountability must be anchored in our relationship with God.

Said Lucian: “As Christian parents, we need to come back and think long and hard about our relationship with our children and how that reflects the heavenly Father and His children.

“We have been given these relationships to point to a heavenly picture.”

He added that children should not be seen as problems to be solved but experiences used by God to change us.

“When we look at parenting that way, then we begin to have a more teachable heart. We can come together with our children and go, ‘We’re both learning lessons together. Whatever you’re going through, I’m here to guide you but I’m also new as a teacher.’

“There must be this collective walking through together.”

Building accountability into the family culture also helps.

“They may not understand the word ‘accountability’. But when we are raising young children, we set up the environment so it becomes very natural for them to have accountability.

“We make conversations in the home where we ask, ‘Where have you been? What did you do?’ We spend time getting to know their interests so it naturalises accountability without saying, ‘I want you to be accountable.’”

#4 Adopt a posture that encourages transparency

When children attempt to be transparent in an effort to be accountable, encourage them, even if what they share surprises you, say the panellists.

“It’s always important not to come across as overly shocked. Keep the shock to yourself, then talk to your spouse about it later on.

“Before your child, you keep a straight face, ‘Yeah, yeah, I understand’,” said Lucian

This is something he admits he is still learning to do with his three children aged 16, 13 and eight.

“Many times, I react very logically, very quickly, but I don’t pray fast enough.”

Carol shared about occasions when she did not know how to react to her children when they opened up to her.

“Those moments are the times I remind myself that I need to pause, and say a simple prayer and invite the Holy Spirit to come and parent with me.

“When I do that, sometimes the words that come out of my mouth, I will be like, ‘Huh, that cannot be me.’

“When we partner with the Holy Spirit to deal with situations that are difficult, that’s when we rely not on our own strength but on God to help up raise His children and train them up in the way He wants them to go.”

Jakin shared from the perspective of a youth who has ventured to be transparent with his parents.

“Transparency for a child is scary. Our parents always tell us that they love us and will not judge us.

“But when we decide to open up about how we feel, we are always engulfed with regret when our parents give us looks.

“When I try and tell my parents about my struggle with porn, for example, it’s always an inner conflict, ‘What are they going to think about me?’”

He encouraged youths to “understand that our parents only have our best interests at heart” and that “they may not always know what to do either”.

One strategy he has used with success is to tell his parents what he needs from them when he opens up to them.

“I tell them, ‘I just need you to listen, let me unload first, please don’t come up with a solution.’”

#5 Build a strong parent-child relationship

As children reach their teens, there is a battle between two relationships: The parent-child relationship and the peer-to-peer relationship, said Lucian.

Teenagers want the peer-to-peer relationship to be more important, but parents want the parent-child relationship to be foremost.

“The parent-child relationship should take precedence. That’s because that relationship is unconditional. You would love them in spite of the mistakes they make.

“The peer-to-peer relationship is conditional. It’s conditional upon answering the text messages as soon as they get them, knowing the greatest memes, keeping up. That is why they are on their devices so much.

“But if the parent-child relationship is fruitful for them, meaningful and lifegiving to them, then it is enough for them to cling on to that and the peer relationship becomes the secondary one,” Lucian added.

To achieve this bond, we need to look to the greater parent-child relationship – our relationship with God.

Said Lucian: “If we place that first and come as a child before God and say, ‘What is this relationship that you want with me? How can it be the greatest relationship in my life? How do I step into the spiritual reality where I follow You because you love me?’

“Then, our children will see that and it will percolate down.

“When we show the meaning of life to them, they will know there is something greater than scrolling endlessly or going for the next entertaining thing. And then they will seek what you have as well.”

This report is Part 1 of the Salt&Light Family Night episode on managing screen time in the family. Look out for Part 2 of the report next week.

A full recording of this episode will be available within the week. You can watch past episodes of Salt&Light Family Night on our YouTube channel here.

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